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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a petty power play and not sure how to deal with it?

175 replies

BanananananaDaiquiri · 19/07/2018 10:16

DH and I recently moved in with his parents while we wait for our house purchase to go through. To be clear, we're not freeloading - we're paying rent and contributing to household expenses in other ways, as well as buying our own stuff as usual.

MIL is lovely, I've always got on well with her so living with her is no problem at all. FIL is another story. He's the sort of person who is never wrong, never apologises, knows everything, would argue black is white, talks over people etc. (Fortunately DH took after his mother!)

FIL and I are the only ones working. I work M-F 9-5 and get a bus to work from their village, which takes about 30-35 mins depending on traffic. The buses are every half hour so to be sure of getting to work on time, I've been aiming to get the 8.00am bus which gets me to the office with 10-15 minutes before start time to get logged on, make a cuppa etc. Perfect.

FIL works as a sort of delivery driver and has variable start times, but usually leaves the house around 7.15-7.45am, and obviously has a certain amount of flexibility as he's using a vehicle and can pretty much plan his own routes. This is where it gets petty and annoying. They only have one bathroom, and no matter how carefully and clearly I try to arrange with FIL each evening what time we can both use the shower the following morning without either of us ending up late for work, he always manages to be in there when we'd 'agreed' (or so I'd thought) that it would be my turn. It's not that he didn't understand or got confused; he makes it quite clear that he's just "changed his mind" or "decided to have a shave after all". Three times now (in two weeks) I've ended up missing the bus and being late for work. My manager is reasonably understanding but we don't have flexitime so sooner or later I'm going to be in trouble if this goes on.

It sounds ridiculous but it's really stressing me out! I've tried getting up stupidly early and getting in before him but it's as though he listens out for any sound from our bedroom - whether it's my alarm, or just me moving around as I get up (creaky floorboards etc) I'm not sure, but he literally races to the bathroom and practically shuts the door in my face with a smug grin. DH has tried having a word with him and he's got nowhere either. I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope with the 6-8 weeks+ we've got left here.

(Dashing off to a hospital appointment shortly so if I don't reply, it's nothing sinister.)

OP posts:
HollyWoods8224 · 20/07/2018 00:23

My FIL did very similar when we were living with my in laws

We all got home at around the same time and all worked roughly 9-5 so had similar timing in terms of when we were hungry. I normally did the cooking M-F. MIL did cooking on weekends, DH did the laundry etc and FIL continued to do sweet F-all (the lifestyle to which he is accustomed).

FIL had evening showers and liked to have his dinner on the table as soon as he's showered but we had to predict when that shower would be, in the end I worked out that he started his evening shower when he heard me dishing up dinner - every night!
I waited an extra 2-3 hours some nights, or left work early to get ahead of him and he would still sit there and watch me cooking and when he saw me dishing up would decide that was the perfect moment to shower.
Drove me bloody batty for the 9 months we were in between houses.

TheFoodtheFadandtheFugly · 20/07/2018 00:29

Isn't there any way you could sort of go into stealth mode over this? Set your alarm the earliest you can stand before he would reasonably go in (or some version). Prep the night before so everything you need is already by the door or in bathroom. If it would really help do a practice quiet stealth run and just bolt bed to bathroom as quick as you can!

Or what others have said - keep calling him on it.

NoSquirrels · 20/07/2018 00:44

Speak to MIL?

MaluCachu · 20/07/2018 00:47

Have you had a word with your mil about it?Although to be honest calling him out on it in front of everyone sounds better.He’s a prize twat.Play him at his own psychological game!Here’s to your moving out day! Wine

HolyPieter · 20/07/2018 00:51

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PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2018 01:01

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DPotter · 20/07/2018 01:04

Sleep in the bathroom with the door locked!

Gladlymycrosseyedbear · 20/07/2018 01:21

Clearly, he feels that you are some kind of threat to his power in the house. (Is it your earnings?)

I would definitely set the alarm for very early and bash the floor/shuffle about as if going for the bathroom - I would then set the alarm for a further snooze!

No doubt he would see this as 'teasing' you. He wants to rile you.

Your only defence is not to rise to it and to seek another way of getting clean for work. (Eve and a wash sounds best for now.)

(If you are using the kitchen - do barricade it (and get your DH to sit on guard.) FIL can wait for his breakfast!

Gladlymycrosseyedbear · 20/07/2018 01:24

(Remind him who will be choosing his care home when he gets old!)

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 20/07/2018 01:27

HollyWoods why on earth did you pander to that shit? If he wants his dinner on the table at a certain time he can cook it himself! I know you were staying in his house but I wouldn't have ever tried to get it on the table for after his shower, or waited for him.

Op I don't think you should tell him it's making you late for work, you are worried you are losing your job etc. This is all about power play and control, and that just gives him even more power! He knows he's making you late.

Take the power away from him. No more arrnaging when to have your shower, that just adds to it. Shower in the evenings, wash your hair etc. and then flannel wash in the mornings, annoying but dont let him have the control over you he is trying to have. Hopefully once he realises you aren't reacting he will back off and you can shower once more.

I was going to say beat him at his own game by setting your alarm really early and just watching him run for the bathroom but I think that's too much effort. You just have to literally not react, it is just boring to you.

Want2bSupermum · 20/07/2018 01:34

People only have power if you give it to them. Shower at night and wipes in the AM or a gym membership for two months solves the problem and removes his power.

JuliaJaynes9 · 20/07/2018 01:57

arrgghh
stupid headfuck passive aggressive shit
it's his way of asserting his position as the alpha male

you can thwart him, out maneuver him, wind him up or whatever as you see fit but I doubt he will do a volt-face and see the error of his proto-hominid ways
no he'll just find some other way to let you know who's boss

Clairetree1 · 20/07/2018 02:01

wash and change at work?

blueskypink · 20/07/2018 03:03

What about carefully arranging all your toiletries by the side of the kitchen sink before you go to bed (early enough for everyone to see them). Surely if MIL sees you do that every night and knows why, she will tackle FIL for you?

KeiTeNgeNge · 20/07/2018 03:16

I would shower at night and have a warm sponge bath in the morning

Raindancer411 · 20/07/2018 03:17

I would point out that if you lose hour job, the house falls through and you will have to stay longer Grin

On a serious note arrange a time but aim for the other or have a wash night before,

PenelopeFlintstone · 20/07/2018 03:30

I agree with everyone and on these warm days wouldn't even bother with the bowls of water. I'd just run the washer under the kitchen tap and then freshen up with a bar of soap in the bedroom. Then he wouldn't see me going to any trouble. And keep smiling at him in the morning to piss him off.
He can know your true feelings once you don't need their house anymore, if you like.

HollyWoods8224 · 20/07/2018 03:33

@TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon - I ask myself the same thing over and over now!
Living with them in general caused more harm than good - but we were in their home and at the time I just figured it was better to respect the way that their house works rather than force them into our (modern?) mold. - cant put square pegs in round holes or teach old dogs new tricks etc.

I think I would expect that if they were guests in my home for a long time they would fit in with parts of our lifestyle rather than force theirs on me.
-not that I'd bloody well have them after living there-

DistanceCall · 20/07/2018 04:01

Shower in the evening and perhaps you can splash yourself at the sink in the morning.

He's a prick, yes.

melonscoffer · 20/07/2018 04:23

Buy a cassette caravan/camping toilet and keep it in your bedroom.
Helpful if you have a cupboard to put it in. Or put it outside in a shed/garage. That deals with one issue.
I would wash in my room in the morning. Use Mitchum 48hr deodorant. PP already mentioned this.

I remember the previous thread about the lodger and the 15 min slot reserved for landlady.

On that thread was a lodger who was beaten to the bathroom every day by another lodger who spent ages in there.

It turned out lodger no1 did a little cough on waking up and lodger no2 listened out for the cough and dashed in the bathroom first just to annoy lodger no1.
Sad isn't it.

dailygrowl · 20/07/2018 05:12

He's definitely doing this as a power play, and being really rude and selfish.

As someone else mentioned, bring up the topic of care in old age and mention that you and DH will be the ones deciding which carers to have or which nursing home he will get when he gets older..... Grin

hibeat · 20/07/2018 05:36

set the alarm early at least twice in the week and go back to sleep, like a Tuesday and a Thursday. Get antiperspirant and wash the day before, get your husband to use the bathroom before you on Mondays and Fridays. Make it a routine. Then alternate days. You won't win his game, so make yours, whatever strategy make sure that you are doing it as a team. And get out of there, the ultimate power is not about the bathroom it's about you loosing your job and the quality of the relationship with your husband.

Fengshui · 20/07/2018 05:50

What an arse.

strawberrisc · 20/07/2018 05:54

You can also get some Hyperhidrosis deodorant on prescription.

Fengshui · 20/07/2018 05:56

In this weather (and because work is too tight to give us fans for our mostly windowless communal office... and say any we bring in have to be electical tested so we can't..... )I have been using the wash basins at work to freshen up about lunchtime.... we are lucky enough to have a cubicle with basin. I take in a small towel and a bar of soap and do a wash of my body. I have the routine down so I can do it in 5 minutes.

But again- what an arse. I'd ask him, since he's apparently up so early if he could give you a lift to work.