Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

She contacted the bank before my grandads dementia was bad,she got some letter from solicitor (not sure what it was )and she can deal with his finances etc.
She has his prudential insurance documents too,she's the eldest child too so she would be the head decision maker I'm imagining

Please contact the counsellor who said that they would help you. You need help with the caring of your GF now, not in weeks time. You said she would speak on your behalf.

dooodooo Your thread is heart breaking.
It may be that the BEST thing you can do for your grandfather is to walk away. You 've tried to get your aunts to step up and they will not until forced to. Send the email to both your aunts, return the keys on the date you state will be the last day you will be his career. Inform the GP and Social Services, by a simple letter stating his name and address and his situation, if you don't want to have to phone anyone. Send a copy to the local safeguarding officer - their name will be on the Council website.
Also inform the HA that you are no longer his carer and give your aunts details. Walk away and don't answer the phone.
Stop feeling guilty. None of this is your fault and you've done an amazing job for ten years. Enough is enough.

OP - I'm 47 and have elderlies. I can't conceive using my niece in the way that you've ended up being used. I can't possibly imagine what twisted rationale they might have in their minds.
If you are feeling absolutely at the end of the road, tell the sister down the street to come straightaway or DO call an ambulance. He will be admitted to hospital, checked over (probably no bad thing) and the hospital people will then contact his next of kin....the daughters, to work out a care plan. Leave an envelope at the house with an explanation and the daughter's contact details for the paramedics. There is no obligation upon you to give up your life permanently to do this. You've given up enough OP. You really have. Don't let them give you a sugar coated excuse or reason to carry on.

Just because auntie contacted the bank it does not mean she has power of attorney, you can check if she has it by contacting the office of the public guardian. It is not a letter from a solicitor, it is a form with a reference number on it that is a legal document from the o.p.g. also just because she has his documents in her possession or is the eldest it does not mean she has automatic rights to deal with his life. He lives in housing association property doesn't he, if he doesn't own it and only has 7k in savings he won't need to pay for any care. You will not be walking away or letting him down if you phone for an ambulance and he is given a bed in hospital or a carehome. He will be comfortable, looked after 24 hours a day, you will be able to visit whenever you want and help the staff look after him. He is 97 years old, bless him, he has had fantastic care from you but it's time to let go. You have nothing to feel guilty about, your gd is a very lucky man to have such a caring and loving grand daughter and your mum will be so proud ifmyour.

They're totally fobbing you off. You know, they do have urgent care. If you said you had personal circumstances that meant you could no longer do what you are doing, they couldn't make you. They would have to put provisions in place, today.

What would be helpful (but obviously not what anyone would want for your relative) is if he had a hospital admission. That would trigger a response from a team used to acting quickly. However, my own cousin was referred to this team without a hospital admission when his condition suddenly went downhill.

They will try to tell you family support should be there but they can't make you do anything, especially when you're not even next of kin. You say 'I can't' and the responsibility is theirs. You don't even have to say why.

I'm in my 60s dooo and, in answer to your question, I can't imagine ever leaving my father and my niece in the position you find yourselves in but if I did, I think I'd be so consumed with guilt that I'd avoid them both at all costs.

Hence why your local aunt avoids you and makes excuses about high blood pressure - because you are a reminder of how despicably she is behaving. And she uses emotional blackmail against you so she can keep avoiding her own responsibility, despite knowing how ill it has made you.

I don't know how anybody can behave like that either, I really don't. I don't think you will ever change her attitude, but this is her responsibility, not yours. Well done for making that first call. Stick to your guns now, tell them you are at crisis point and can't cope any more - then they can approach your aunt to arrange what happens next.

You need to email social services to confirm the request for a care assessment, giving the information about your grandfather that you've given on here - including the fact that you can't cope any more. Make sure you stress that it's urgent. You need to email it so that you have some written evidence of the date the request went in, otherwise things will drag on too long. The guidance says that assessments should be carried out over an appropriate and reasonable timescale taking into account the urgency of needs and other matters, so they need to know that this is urgent.

I'd suggest you also contact your local councillor for help, as that will help to ensure that social services prioritise your grandfather.

I also think you would benefit from counselling as you are completely on the wrong track thinking your mum would want you to be in this state. I think she would want the opposite for you.

HoleyCoMoley Thu 19-Jul-18 16:23:26
Diazepam and lorazepam cause drowsiness and can increase the risk of falls, many doctors are reluctant to use this on people who are at risk which he is plus he is on his own in the evenings and overnight. Crushing tablets and putting them in someone's food is often thought of as covert medication given without the patients consent and many people are not comfortable with this, in a carehome or hospital there are strict guidelines about this being done. The best person would be a g.p visit or his dementia care nurse who should come and see him.

To be honest when someone with dementia is trying to jump out of a car door; hitting you repeatedly with a stick and screaming at the top of their lungs for hours every evening from 5.30 until 3AM because they think you are keeping them hostage from seeing their Mum and Dad then if a GP offers Lorazepam you take it.

She was much happier on it. Covert medication is an absolute must if you're caring for a dementia sufferer- without it my Gran would never have had her heart medication or pain medication and would have died years before she did.

OP - have you looked into making sure your grandfather is getting all the financial help available to him? specifically the attendance allowance

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

the form can be really difficult to complete correctly to get the maximum chance of getting the allowance, but there is help out there to complete it

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/attendance-allowance/claiming-attendance-allowance/help-with-attendance-allowance-form/

there are also private companies that charge but really know the things you need to say on the form to get the money, which can be around £80 a week which helps to pay for private carers. This is the one I know of, i think they charge around £200 to complete the form with you, but thats recouped after around a month of receiving the benefit.

www.grey-matters-consultancy.com/

This may be a stupid question, but who pays for GF food, toiletries, cleaning stuff in house if his children have access to his money. Who pays for house, council tax, electric, water ?

It's amazing how far she could spit her heart tablets otherwise.

Oh also just to say that at least in my gran's case her falls all happened when she wasn't on her Lorazepam, when she would run around, as in driven by a motor, in a psychotic state, trying to charge at the door to get to her parents. Her worst fall happened in hospital where they wouldn't give her her Lorazepam and she fell and sufferer a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage!

** suffered, not sufferer

She would get up 17 times a night without it. Maybe OPs Grandfather is different but you can only really understand living with someone with psychosis if you have been through it. Covert medication is necessary in psychosis.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I'm not in UK and don't know anything practical about who to advise you to get on to but I just want to say hang on for a little bit. You will get sorted, pp have had brilliant advice and your Mam is of course proud of you. Your Aunts sound like shits and hopefully their DC treat them better when they're your Grandads age than they do.
💐

Many of us here have many many years of looking after people with various stages of dementia, psychosis, aggression, wandering, falls, hallucinations. There are very strict regulations around covert medication is hospitals and carehomes, other medication can be given.

My gp has never prescribed him any medication ..i think it would be a nightmare to get him to take it.
My grandad gets state pension and attendance allowance,it gets paid into his post office account.
I have that card and I get his shopping /phonebill/rent out of that.
Luckily his electricity is direct fuel so comes out of his pension.
Sorry for late reply.
Had a million things to do tonight.

It's crazy with him as he can be so in his own world then there's a bit of him that's back.
Christmas slade came on (he used to dance with me and my mum when I was little to it) you should have seen his face light up.
I'm so sad that he's come to this.
I miss him,and I know that's stupid because he's still here and I get to talk to him but he's not here at the same time (if that makes any sense il eat my hat )
I love him so much,would give anything for him not to be scared.

Are you on benefits yourself, have you been claiming carers allowance which you are entitled to. Do you and grandad have the same g.p.

OP, it's time to take care of yourself. Go to your own GP, and tell them what your life is like. Tell them all the things you've told us.

You are already going above and beyond any duty you may feel. No wonder you are struggling to cope!

HoleyCoMoley Thu 19-Jul-18 18:57:37
Many of us here have many many years of looking after people with various stages of dementia, psychosis, aggression, wandering, falls, hallucinations. There are very strict regulations around covert medication is hospitals and carehomes, other medication can be given.

It doesn't sound like Doodoo is particularly looking for medication for her grandad anyway so that's fine.

If you live with someone who is in a constant state of terror, anxiety and psychosis and unable to sleep then really sedatives are the kindest thing- we could have let her be sectioned and they would have sedated her OR did as we did and kept her at home. We went on for about six years before the GP decided to prescribe it.

Also just to say that in our case it was all of her medication that had to be hidden in yoghurts/puddings (so heart medication etc.). In a care home she would not have been given it and would have died years before she did.

Doodoo, i'm so sorry you're going through this and are losing your Grandfather so gradually- it sounds absolutely heartbreaking. When your own Dad can help then definitely ask for him to because it's too much for one person to cope with.

Sending you . I am in a similar situation as I am a full time carer for my mom so I understand what you are going through. xx