Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

Well done for calling them, we know how difficult it can be. Do social services know how unwell he is and how much stress you are under, is anyone looking after him after you have gone home in the evening. Have you been able to speak to his daughter who lives near him. You have started to get the help you both need but he really does sound lime he needs an urgent assessment by a doctor.

My aunt (local ) doesn't answer the phone to me or the door.
She's a waste of time.
My aunt abroad rang today and once again I cried on the phone and explained I couldn't cope and got silence ..then she mentioned she wishes she wasn't unwell and take some of the strain.

Nobody looks after him when I've gone,he now sleeps on sofa and I tuck him in before I go home and give him a drink.
He gets up to the toilet fine himself and lies back down till morning when I arrive to make breakfast.

Today hasn't been as bad,he took his antibiotics and has been singing along to Vera Lynn(old school war years singer )

Last time I asked my aunt (local ) for help ..her daughter (my cousin ) got shirty with me saying
"My mum can't look after him,she's got high blood pressure,she can't do it"

This was when he had flu and needed someone to stay overnight (she refused)

My cousin made me feel like I was asking them for a favour.

I would report the local aunt to the office of the public guardian fuardian and tell them she has no interest in looking after him, won't answer your calls or open the door. She should not be allowed to continue being power of attorney if she doesn't care about him. You sound a bit happier today but you should try and call some of the people we have told you about.

Well done for making a phone call. You have been amazing. You stepped up to the mark, and took on all the caring responsibilities for 10 years. If your mum is looking down, I'm betting she's bloody proud of you. But I think she'd also be worried. Worried about you. Because mums never stop worrying about their children. You have done everything you can, until you have nothing left. You have used up your energy, and your time, and you heart, and your soul. You have driven yourself into the ground. There is no way at all that your mother would want you to be broken. You don't just need help, you most definitely deserve it. You have been awesome. But you can't be awesome any more. Right now you need to concentrate instead on becoming better.

Oh, and I would wager you'd make a bloody good mum. You deserve the chance to find out.

It's the aunt abroad who has all bank books /insurance documents etc

Thankyou for that..
It might sound stupid at my age but it's nice to think my mum is looking down at me or watching over me and is proud.

Wow doodoo, you have done an amazing job by caring for your Granddad for 10 years! I'm sure your Mum would be really proud of you but surely she'd also want you to have a life of your own?

You have options:

1. Refuse to care any longer. Ask for your Grandad to be assessed by Social Services and explain that you will no longer be able to provide any care whatsoever. Explain this to your Aunts and let them decide what happens. They will be responsible for sorting out the care home, care home costs etc. Move to a flat far away somewhere if you can and perhaps enrol on a course or work out what other options are available to you so that your extended family can see that you're too busy to keep on being sole carer.

1. Continue caring but request a 'Carer's assessment' from social services, outlining that you are suffering from Depression.

You only get one life and it is completely unfair for you to be living yours looking after someone who very sadly will not even know or appreciate all that you are doing for him. You cannot get the time that you lose back.

I spent years joint caring for my Gran who had Vascular Dementia and lived with my parents (as I did at the time) and the dementia-related aggression, psychosis, fecal incontinence issues were just unbearable. The situation took over my life and I am still really suffering from its effects 18 months after her death.

Also why can't your cousin care for your grandfather? Surely as she's just as much his granddaughter as you are, she should be taking on all the same responsibilities as you?!!!

That's a good point about your cousin, why can't she help. Do you know who has power of attorney, is it the same aunt overseas who has all his bank books and stuff.

Out of all the grandchildren I was always the one here every day with my mum.
My mum was the closest to my gran and grandad and I was brought up with him.
We lived next door as a kid..so now they've kind of assumed it's my job not other grandkids.

Well that's not true Doodoo. You happen to live close by but you are one of his grandchildren, not his children!

You may well face dementia in the future with your own Dad but your Grandad is not your responsibility.

I know that it can feel like living in hell, caring for someone with Dementia, particularly when they are suffering from Psychotic episodes (my Gran had those too).

It's really important to be assertive and stand up for your own rights in this situation. Ignore the feelings of guilt because it's not real guilt, it's misplaced responsibility and grief (for your Mum) and it shouldn't be allowed to ruin your life. You have just as much of a right to a life as your cousins do.

Also do you have any Diazepam or Lorazepam prescribed for your Grandad? In the meantime until you stop your caring role then I would advice requesting this for him. We used it for my Gran and noticed that if she had it around 5pm, it reduced her 'Sundowning' and she did not get so distressed, psychotic or aggressive in the evenings. (Obviously there is then the issue of crushing the pill and putting it in yoghurt/mousse so that he doesn't notice it and think you're poisoning him- we had that too!)

Dooodooo I take my hat of to you for caring for your grandfather for so long. My father has Parkinson's and Lewy body dementia and when my stepmother became unwell and could no longer look after him, I took over. I didn't last ten weeks, let alone ten years like you have done. I couldn't cope and moved my dad into a home. He really didn't want to go and I felt like a terrible daughter. 3 weeks later he has settled in fine, put on weight and is more alert and like his old self. I speak to him every day and see him twice a week, and when I see him it's like we are father and daughter again, not carer and patient. And I can relax knowing he is safe. Good luck.

You need to contact ss again regarding a care plan, the housing association can not evict you for hanging a phone up and even if there was a court order your grandfather would not be able to attend. You are having irrational worries most likely caused by your current state of mind you should see your GP for both yours and your grandfathers sake. There is little point in expecting much in the way of help from your aunts, they both know the situation and are not helping so it’s unlikely they will have an attack of concern! Make a list and check each item off as you contact gp, social services etc. You need to start now. I have experience of were you are now and know it’s not pleasant but there’s no knight in shining armour waiting around the corner, you can do this.

*where

Diazepam and lorazepam cause drowsiness and can increase the risk of falls, many doctors are reluctant to use this on people who are at risk which he is plus he is on his own in the evenings and overnight. Crushing tablets and putting them in someone's food is often thought of as covert medication given without the patients consent and many people are not comfortable with this, in a carehome or hospital there are strict guidelines about this being done. The best person would be a g.p visit or his dementia care nurse who should come and see him.

Go and hand the keys to his daughter and tell her she is his POA and his next of kin. If she can't cope she needs to pay to put him in a home who can.

Just stop. As hard as it is. Go and hand the keys over, say goodbye and just stop.

Well done for contacting someone op, a really big step!

Send that email to your aunt. She simply cannot shirk her responsibilities anymore.

Call an ambulance, get him into A&E.

Keep saying firmly that you cannot meet his needs any more.

You don't have to be a hero. You have to do the right thing for your Grandad.

I think you’ve done an amazing job.
When my grandma got Alzheimer’s there just comes a point where it’s just not manageable anymore.
There was 2 of us caring for her but it gets progressively worse and gets to the point where outside help is needed.She went into a home though it was tough it was the best decision, a difficult decision when you are flat out caring but we could not cope and the staff gave us a lot of support.
Sounds like your grandad has reached this point so don’t worry, whatever your Aunt says, it’s not her decision to call, she badly let you down.

I want to hug you.

You will be doing the right thing by your Grandad by getting him into a home that have staff trained to look after him. I am certain you are doing a tremendous job, but it will kill you.

Speak to social services. Ask for a Mental Capacity Test. This will give him 'deprivation of Liberty status' ie. can't make decisions for himself.

Other posters are quite right. If he owns a home, he will have to pay (not straight away- don't fret) maybe the aunties are trying to hang onto the cash. Easy when they are not the career.

I have been there - My Dad got Dementia at 63 x

Just read further posts. Then he won't pay a bean. It will be funded by social services.

You can visit everyday x

Can I ask you (and I don't mean to be cheeky )
But to the ladies who are 50s/60s would you feel guilty knowing you left your niece to do it all?
I sometimes struggle to understand how she feels no guilt.
I really wish I had the heart to ring an ambulance or just walk away but I just want to wait for the ss assessment and at least I can say I did things right.
The thought of abandoning my grandad when he's daughters don't care breaks my heart.
He deserves more respect than he has been getting from other family members.

How has your aunt possibly got power of attorney? This is to help him with his financial needs, how is she doing that?