Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

I would only add (policies if it's already been done) that you can ring Samaritans 116 123 (freephone) anytime to off load. They won't give you advice but they will listen for as long as you need.

policies??? apologies!!!

One of the very best things anyone can do for themselves is to learn how to say ‘no’

You sound on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If you cant say no, maybe your dad can. There is no way I’d let my children be treated in this way.

Great advice from @DangerMouseisace. Id do everything she says including mentioning the type of dementia and the fact that you are on benzos and about to walk away - you are clearly naturally a 'coper' but don't minimise your own struggles here, they need to see that this is urgent. Good luck

So I'd ring Social Services as an emergency and tell them there is a crisis - i.e your health and that you can no longer cope with looking after him.
Also make sure to tell them who has power of attorney over his money... (and does she also have a welfare POA??)

Also get yourself to your GP and ask for a sick note so that you can claim ESA as once you stop caring your carers allowance will stop.

Also make sure that any personal possessions you have at your grandfather's are removed - preferably before SS come round.

If he only has 7k savings he won't have to pay for a carehome. If aunt has power of attorney it is her responsibility to make sure he is being safely cared for and his money is being spent the right way. She is responsible for paying the bills, collecting any benefits, and being in touch with the housing association. If she's not doing anything she should not be power of attorney which I would discuss with social services. It must be very distressing for you to see him so upset and frightened, he needs professional help.

Please don't bother with giving the overseas aunt four weeks. She will probably ignore you, so you will be in the same position then only your health will be even worse. And you can't wait till then anyway.

Please follow the excellent advice on here. This is now officially the problem of your aunts and social services, not you. Your grandfather won't be left high and dry, he will get support from people better able than you to provide it.

This thread has really got to me op. You're so unbelievably selfless, your mum would be so proud of the person you are.
I am absolutely devoted to my dad and would be devastated that no one was watching out for him if something happened to him / me. I wouldn't want this life for my DD though, in fact that would be the worst thing about the situation. I promise your mum is so proud of you for being so strong for so long but you need to live your own life! Your mum didn't have you to be an unpaid slave (especially when it sounds like your aunt has access to his money).

There's no reason why your grandad cannot have trained carers coming in every day. His GP could set the wheels in motion. You will feel much better if you're not looking after him full time. You have to look after yourself, if you don't you'll be no use to anyone else.

So take heart and get help - it's out there!

He’s not safe. Overnight alone is completely unsafe. Your aunts are an absolute disgrace. Call for crisis support tomorrow and if it’s not forthcoming within the day, call for an ambulance and he needs a hospital admission until alternative care can be found.

Nobody will be happy but he will be safe. You’ve done way beyond enough and need a rest. Time to hand over and very soon indeed.

I agree with Shaking, he is on his own for over 12hours, he could fall, he couldn't get really distressed and frightened. This arrangement is not safe for him, not safe for you. You have been a wonderful carer to him. It would be much better for him and you if he was taken to hospital or found an emergency care home placement.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of people who advised you not to leave it a month as your aunts will definitely try extending the time limit. Maybe 2 weeks?

I'd also not empty his house or anything and if they complain, I'd remind them you've had your turn for 10! long years

Don't feel like you're failing your DGD, he'll be safer in a home and of course you can visit and spend time with him, arguably this will be more cherished as you'll be better rested and less trapped.

OP, will you come back tomorrow and let us know what's happening? We can help support you to make those calls etc, even if it's just cheerleading for you from here!

Don't even give your aunts and social services two weeks, tell them tomorrow is your last day.

I rang social services in tears about MIL on a Sunday. I had to take her in to my home in an emergency situation and only then realised the extent of her double incontinence.
They got help for me within 24 hours and we went on from there.
You cannot continue like this.

@ThePlanetgoesonbeinground3

I apologise if my comment came across as crass to you. Alzheimer’s disease (usually with vascular too) seems to be a ‘thing’ on one side of my family at a fairly young age so I’ve got a lot of personal, as well as job related experience, and this is an ongoing. All dementia is unpleasant, and dying from Alzheimer’s is horrible. But if someone is diagnosed with vascular dementia or Alzheimer’s rather than LWB there is at least some hope; that medication might slow things down, that progression might be slow, that it might be manageable at home, as most cases are for a fairly long time (these are all maybes not dead certs). With LBD there isn’t that hope.

Oh sweetheart. How heartbreaking for you, but amazing too how devoted and kind you are but you need help and a break!

When my DG was elderly and ill you could get respite care, just a week in a care home while you get a break. Maybe you could ask about this.

Hi OP, I haven’t read the thread so forgive me. But please call the Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline. They know exactly what you are entitled to from your social and health services, and can give you advice on how to get it. They are also very good at practical tips for encouraging people with dementia to go to the doctor, etc, when they don’t want to. Here: www.dementiauk.org/get-support/dementia-helpline-alzheimers-helpline/

Hi OP, ring your GP for a home visit. Ask for one as soon as possible. Then tell them you can’t cope. If you are near the point of leaving, this is true, don’t push yourself “over the edge”. Get help now.

Then either immediate carers or respite. Get in touch with social services and go through your options, look at/visit the local nursing home/see if any special dementia places.

It’s possible to look after someone with dementia, through all stages, but not one person on their own, it usually takes a team of supportive family behind one person doing it full time. Even then it can break down.

You may feel all kinds of guilt around this and I would ask you to consider some CBT accessed by your GP for your anxiety. Get yourself into the best possible place to visit him, advocate for him and make decisions for the future.

How are you today O P

Good morning everyone
So after ringing and hanging up then ringing and hanging up.
I spoke to someone who was helpful but I felt just going through the motions.
She's arranged to have a care needs assessment done..but said she couldn't tell me when but will send a letter to give me notice.
Is that normal?
I explained that he was getting worse and she's gave me a number for age uk to see about day classes for him (which I explained he wouldn't go too but hey ho)
I guess it's a start isn't it.
I started typing a email to my aunt using that draft .
Thankyou for drafting that out I appreciate that.
To top my life off my car has now broken and needs a new clutch :-(
One thing after the other
Sat waiting to see if my aunt calls today,they about 5-6 hours behind U.K. tho so not holding my breath.

No, it is not normal. Sweetheart, you just didn't get through to them how close to the edge you are! I'm very concerned, your both you and your Granddad. You're being 'nice', and you just can't afford to be.

why not try ringing carer's uk I don't have the phone number but i'm sure someone on here will provide one for you. don't just sit there - talk to someone else please now if you can x

they can help you not your grandfather and you need help. x

You absolutely cannot continue like this for another 4 weeks. 4 days would be too much.

Just stop. I know you love your granddad but you cannot carry this weight any more. He needs more than you can give.

Tell adult social services that he is a danger to himself and others but you are ill and cannot provide any care. You are being used as a doormat by everyone and it will only stop when you refuse to do it any more. Broken record "I am ill and can no longer do this" you have no obligation to continue, they cannot make you.

Sadly it sounds likely that he will need to be taken into a nursing home and probably sedated as he will obviously find that distressing. However if the only way he can stay in his own home is round the clock supervision then that just isn't realistic.