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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think 'get it all over with' instead of 'space it out'

157 replies

NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:07

Am 6 months pregnant with first child. Pregnancy has been great in some senses, but I struggle with anxiety at night. I had depression in the first couple of months but it actually helped me to make some important life changes. In the evenings I hate being pregnant, in the day it's mostly fine though I'm not up to doing as much as before and haven't been throughout.

When the baby comes I won't be breastfeeding and DP will be the main carer. I will also be at home and only work about 4 hours a day.

Ive always wanted a big family. My DP wants one too, probably about 6 or 7. I'm 28.

Now I'm thinking just have the next one close together with this one (think immediately pretty much) despite disliking being pregnant.. And have as many as I can in quick succession. To grin and bear the pregnancy thing and the stage where they'll all be young just for the benefits (as I see it, a big family is a benefit) later? In about two years or so we will be able to afford a full time nanny and a part time one.

What do you think? Am I crazy as hell? Grin

OP posts:
MrsPreston11 · 18/07/2018 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:11

Ermm.. Ouch, no not a troll. Sad

I am willing to raise them just thought having so many in close succession may require some help.

My reasons for not breastfeeding are personal.

OP posts:
princesspino · 18/07/2018 07:13

Have the first one and then see how you feel. I have 2 close together (1 year apart) and although we have done the nappy/pushchair stage now, it was bloody hard work when they were very small and pretty much nearly killed me having 2 bad sleepers and early risers. The pro’s are that they are pretty much in to the same things, so days out are easier as there is less disagreements. I wouldn’t have them close together again if honest , but you may handle it better than me and cope better

ADarkandStormyKnight · 18/07/2018 07:13

I don’t really understand your question. However, I would say have this baby before you think about the next one.

princesspino · 18/07/2018 07:15

I also didn’t BF - tried with DS and just hated it and got no support from health visitors so I stopped and bottle fed numebr 2 from the start. As long as they are happy and healthy then do what you want

Alevel · 18/07/2018 07:15

How will you afford 6 or 7 dc working 4 hours a day and I guess your dpn not working? I want your job.

SoyDora · 18/07/2018 07:16

6 or 7 kids in close succession will take a massive toll on your body. Why not have the first 1-2 and then make a decision? I had my first 2 close together and was quite frankly a wreck. Now pregnant with my third but it’s taken 3 years after my second to feel ready.
I think it’s a bit insane to decide to have 6 in close succession before you’ve had your first.

Frusso · 18/07/2018 07:16

I think if you dislike being pregnant 6-7 just isn't going to happen. You're not going to suddenly like being pregnant the more you have, trust me on that one.
I've also found that the women I know with larger families loved being pregnant, and they love being a mum.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/07/2018 07:16

Am reading between the lines and suspecting you may have some sort of disability which means you can't breastfeed and can't be the main carer? Sorry if I am wrong on this. Your DH is going to be the main carer so surely you need to see how the first goes then decide together on when to have another? If you are going to have loads of DC then just employ a nanny for them what is the point?

FatCow2018 · 18/07/2018 07:17

Wow mrspreston, judgy much?!

FatCow2018 · 18/07/2018 07:19

OP, i had one child, when she was 7 we decided we wanted to have another, and then had another 11 months later. I thought it would be great having them close together bit in hindsight I wouldn't have done it, I'd have spread it out.

ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 07:19

Have the first one first and see how you go. 6 is a lot of work.

MrsPreston11 · 18/07/2018 07:19

Yup.

I’m judging.

I don’t see how someone can actually “want” 6-7 kids but not be willing to do any child care.

What’s the point in having them not to look after them? Poor kids.

SpiritedLondon · 18/07/2018 07:20

Eeerrrr you’ve had depression and anxiety so perhaps stop trying to work this out now and see how you go. You don’t need to decide this right this second. I’m not quite sure how you will be affording these nannies in 2 years if you’re only working 4 hours a day but if you’re not the main cater then your DP will clearly need to have an input since he’s obviously going to be handling the brunt of the work in the first 2 years at least.

ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 07:21

And you are going to have a full time nanny AND a part time nanny and 6/7 kids while you go to work and be pregnant with more kids and your DH is their carer? Why? That is unusual and I’m just wondering why you’d want to do that.

Quartz2208 · 18/07/2018 07:22

Two friends thought the same both ended up with 2

How on earth can you afford all,of it as well it sounds v irresponsible

Original poster
NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:24

Well I have much more earning power than DP, DP loves children and wants to be a SAHD, so it makes sense. I will work 4 hours be there the rest of the time to do childcare with him and if we need extra help will get it.

OP posts:
ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 07:24

How are you going to afford teens AND childcare on 4 hours a day? I want to do what you do.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:25

Re affording it I am fortunate to be a high earner.

OP posts:
Kintan · 18/07/2018 07:26

I wouldn’t overthink it too much at this stage. You don’t know what’s around the corner or whether you’ll even be able to have more than one child. I don’t mean that in a doom and gloom kind of way, just saying enjoy your present situation without getting ahead of yourself with an imaginary future :)

MattBerrysHair · 18/07/2018 07:26

Wait to see how much you actually like being a mum first. I have mental health problems too and desperately wanted children. When my first arrived the shock of the birth and having a such a massive responsibility was like being run over by a bus. I was in a very bad place. You cannot logically make any decisions about your future family until you actually know how you will fare as a parent.

wellBeehivedWoman · 18/07/2018 07:28

Fuck of MrsPreston. Do you berate fathers who aren't primary carer for their kids and ask why they have had kids if they aren't going to raise them? The vast majority of kids only have one parent with them most of the time, so less of the 'poor kids' shit and a bit more acceptance of fathers doing childcare would be nice. And there are many reasons why women choose not to breastfeed - it's not your decision or your business.

It's a sad world when your response to a woman not being primary carer is to accuse her of being a troll Hmm

OP, I would view this decision as one to make on a case by case basis. You don't have to decide now what the plan is for any future pregnancies. You might feel after you give birth that you want a longer period to recover physically, or you might feel ready to try again. Listen to your body and decide post pregnancy what it best for you. You're still young so don't feel like you're running out of time if you don't have all your kids in very quick succession. Try not to worry too much about having it all planned out.

FrauNeuer · 18/07/2018 07:28

I’m confused. . . You work 4 hours per day and estimate that you can hire 1.5 employees for your family in two years?

I think I am in the wrong job.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 18/07/2018 07:29

So you earn enough in four hours to support seven children and two adults Hmm

Yes crack on, sounds a wonderful plan ... Now if only there weren't any actual children involved in this madness.

RhiWrites · 18/07/2018 07:29

grin and bear the pregnancy thing and the stage where they'll all be young just for the benefits (as I see it, a big family is a benefit) later?

I don’t think you can make this decision yet. You don’t know what your first child will be like.

This idea of a “big family” is a sort of fantasy, apparently where the children aren’t young any more. It’s fine to have that dream but you must also live in reality.

What if baby one is a terrible sleeper and your husband is exhausted from staying up all night with them? What if your depression gets worse with baby two and you spend hours crying while toddler one screams? Let’s hope those things don’t happen but they could.

I don’t quite get why DP will be the main carervif he’s also the main earner, I’m guessing you are disabled? But that doesn’t matter, nor do the hypothetical nannies.

You have to take each day as it comes. Maybe set a calendar reminder to discuss pregnancy and future children every 6 months and see how you feel then.

Good luck, maybe you’ll have twins! (Although they come with their own challenges.)

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