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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think 'get it all over with' instead of 'space it out'

157 replies

NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:07

Am 6 months pregnant with first child. Pregnancy has been great in some senses, but I struggle with anxiety at night. I had depression in the first couple of months but it actually helped me to make some important life changes. In the evenings I hate being pregnant, in the day it's mostly fine though I'm not up to doing as much as before and haven't been throughout.

When the baby comes I won't be breastfeeding and DP will be the main carer. I will also be at home and only work about 4 hours a day.

Ive always wanted a big family. My DP wants one too, probably about 6 or 7. I'm 28.

Now I'm thinking just have the next one close together with this one (think immediately pretty much) despite disliking being pregnant.. And have as many as I can in quick succession. To grin and bear the pregnancy thing and the stage where they'll all be young just for the benefits (as I see it, a big family is a benefit) later? In about two years or so we will be able to afford a full time nanny and a part time one.

What do you think? Am I crazy as hell? Grin

OP posts:
Pittcuecothecookbook · 18/07/2018 07:29

I thought I'd have another immediately after but the birth was so much harder, undignified and painful than I thought (and I did hypnobirthing, had a water birth in an MLU and had no interventions) so compared to some, I had it easy!

I knew I'd need a break between pregnamcies to mentally get over the labour so thinking of a bigger gap now!

Lethaldrizzle · 18/07/2018 07:31

I'm curious to know what are your personal reasons for not breast feeding.

Oysterbabe · 18/07/2018 07:34

Waiting for the huge dripfeed.

RJnomore1 · 18/07/2018 07:34

I'm just fascinated as to what line of work you are in TBH.

GameOfMinges · 18/07/2018 07:36

The not breastfeeding seems to be getting a disproportionate amount of attention. It's the least odd thing OP has posted! Feeding choices are very low on the list of things that need discussing here...

SharkSave · 18/07/2018 07:37

I would strongly advise having one and seeing how you feel after that.
I thought I'd have a big family but it turns out I'm shit at giving birth, had a horrible vaginal birth and a subsequent horrible c sec so not going to happen

Original poster
NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:37

Internet business

OP posts:
Teachtolive · 18/07/2018 07:38

OP when you say "immediately" what do you mean? Your body does need a serious amount of recovery time between pregnancies, particularly to ensure that the subsequent one is healthy. Google "How much time to leave between pregnancies" and you'll find some interesting reading. Maybe talk to your GP too. Although regardless of how many you think you want, be prepared for that to change once baby #1 comes along- it can be quite the shock to the system!

toolazytothinkofausername · 18/07/2018 07:40

OP obviously lives on another planet where a week lasts for 12 days, and she works 10 of them to make up the 40 hour work week her family needs to financially survive!

RJnomore1 · 18/07/2018 07:40

Ahhh

TBH not breastfeeding not being main career etc is all totally fine and your choice but I would see how you feel after this one is born.

It can take quite a toll physically; alternatively you could bounce back and be fine.

Whatever you plan abd whatever works for you is totally ok as long as the kids are loved abd properly cared for and you're not compromising your own health.

wellBeehivedWoman · 18/07/2018 07:40

This thread shows just how much prejudice there still is against working mothers and its really depressing.

I'm not going to be the stay at home parent or primary carer for my kids. I'm a higher earner than my DH and he's better with kids (and likes them more) so we are going to split parental leave and then he is going to work part time. Is this madness? Are you all sorry for these poor children with no mother to raise them? Is this 1953...?

Oysterbabe · 18/07/2018 07:41

If you only work 4 hours a day why do you need nannies when DP is also the primary carer?

ApolloandDaphne · 18/07/2018 07:41

You may find you rethink this whole plan once you have actually gone through labour, have a baby and see how caring for it works out.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 18/07/2018 07:43

Ebay??

Spam88 · 18/07/2018 07:44

My understanding is it takes about a year for your body to fully recover from pregnancy (well supposedly, my pelvis certainly still hasn't recovered), so I personally wouldn't plan to get pregnant again during that time. I think as well that if you've suffered with depression then you'll need to see how your mental state is after giving birth, because those hormones can hit you like a ton of bricks. Hopefully you'll be fine but there are so many variables, I really think you should just see how you go with this one before making any decisions.

Lethaldrizzle · 18/07/2018 07:45

You might like breastfeeding

ProseccoPoppy · 18/07/2018 07:45

Do you mean you will initially be working 4 hours (ie reduced hours instead of mat leave?)

Might it be wise to have one first? You don’t know how you will feel or if you will have a sleeper or a colicky baby or whatever.

The larger families I know (with 4 - 6 DC) have tended to find spacing at roughly 2 year intervals works well - chance for mum’s body to recover and means that the parents aren’t too over stretched to be able to give proper attention to the DC.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 18/07/2018 07:46

If you are finding this pregnancy hard then each subsequent one is likely to get harder. Don’t underestimate how taxing it is being pregnant and having other children to look after. It’s also advisable to give your body time to recover.

There’s no point in considering this now tbh. You might be so put off by later pregnancy and the birth you don’t want any more. Just wait and see how you feel in 6 months.

ChadwithaK · 18/07/2018 07:47

Honestly I have 15 months between my first two and I was on my knees. Two toddlers at the same time. One newborn and another baby wasn’t so bad but my second didn’t sleep and it took me longer to have the next and tbh from mo3 my body never recovered.

Twickerhun · 18/07/2018 07:47

You might not want to have sex so quickly after childbirth to be able to try to get pregnant immediately.
Have the first one and give yourself a couple of months before planning number two.

SoyDora · 18/07/2018 07:47

It’s entitely the OP’s choice whether to BF or not, not sure why she’s getting a hard time about that. Many people choose not to, as is their right.
However I do think it’s absolute madness to consider having 6-7 children in close succession before the first is born... why not wait and see how it does? Do you have to make the decision now?

KitKat1985 · 18/07/2018 07:48

Honestly, I think you need to have you first baby and then wait a few months to see how you feel. You don't have to make any decisions now. If nothing else your body will take a few months to get back to normal anyway and into a regular menstrual cycle again, and that's not withstanding any complications with birth or tears etc that will need time to heal. Also I'm trying not to sound patronising, but you don't realise how hard babies are until you have them. Unless you are blessed with a good sleeper, you will probably be exhausted and it wouldn't be a good time to be pregnant in. I didn't love pregnancy, but it was so much more tiring second time around with a child already to run around after and work to juggle too. I cannot even being to imagine what pregnancy would be like if I already had 5 or 6 young kids, which would pretty much equate to no sleep at all!

Also how realistic are you being about finances etc? Can you really afford 6 kids on 4 hours work a day and with your DP being a SAHD? That would be a tough financial stretch anyway, without trying to pay for a nanny or two on top. Do you have a big enough house? You would need to get a minibus too just to take everyone out in!

Slartybartfast · 18/07/2018 07:48

why on earth do you want 6 or 7
how do you even know you want 6 or 7
i can't imagine anyone goes into life thinking they want 6 or 7 children. get this one cooked first
and you dont even enjoy being pregnant?

is that because you know your DH is the sahd?
feels like a chore?

NoFucksImAQueen · 18/07/2018 07:48

I have 2 close together (year and 4 months) and it's fine. I mean it was hard don't get me wrong, especially as my oldest is 3 years older than the second so was also around during newborn stage for the 3rd but the youngest is 2 and a half now and it is getting easier.
I'm a bit confused to what you mean by getting the younger stages out of the way to have the benefits later on? I mean yeah the young bit is hard but it's also amazing and interesting listening to them talk and play and grow up. it feels like you're wishing away a big part of it

YodelOdel · 18/07/2018 07:48

My mate wanted 4 children, stopped at 2.

She had a 20 month gap and it nearly killed her. She also had her parents living down the road who helped her but she still had bad PND with both children.

My other friend wanted a big family, ended up with an emergency hysterectomy after the labour of her first child. Devastated does not even begin to cover it.

It is all well and good to have ideas about how your life will be, but sometimes life throws a curve ball that you didn't see coming or you might just feel completely differently once the baby is here.

I think your theory of having them close together is good but your body will need time to recover after a pregnancy. See how you feel.