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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think 'get it all over with' instead of 'space it out'

157 replies

NameChangedForThisQ · 18/07/2018 07:07

Am 6 months pregnant with first child. Pregnancy has been great in some senses, but I struggle with anxiety at night. I had depression in the first couple of months but it actually helped me to make some important life changes. In the evenings I hate being pregnant, in the day it's mostly fine though I'm not up to doing as much as before and haven't been throughout.

When the baby comes I won't be breastfeeding and DP will be the main carer. I will also be at home and only work about 4 hours a day.

Ive always wanted a big family. My DP wants one too, probably about 6 or 7. I'm 28.

Now I'm thinking just have the next one close together with this one (think immediately pretty much) despite disliking being pregnant.. And have as many as I can in quick succession. To grin and bear the pregnancy thing and the stage where they'll all be young just for the benefits (as I see it, a big family is a benefit) later? In about two years or so we will be able to afford a full time nanny and a part time one.

What do you think? Am I crazy as hell? Grin

OP posts:
3luckystars · 18/07/2018 09:42

I think it’s a great idea, best of luck.

One baby is a serious amount of work though, if you give it everything.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/07/2018 09:42

I had five in seven years - no help. Not even a DH in the end.

Not so bad when they are all tiny - hell on earth when they start reaching the 'tween' years.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 18/07/2018 09:44

Wanting 'a big family' is all very well, but that 'big family' consists of individuals and with the best will (and nannies) in the world, it's going to be very, very difficult for you (the parent - they want their parents, not nannies) to do proper justice to 6-7 kids. Especially all close together.

And don't forget that the way you respond to them when they're tiny sets things up for life. Those are crucial years bfor attachment. It really isn't a case of you just getting through the mayhem and then you'll have a lovely family in a few years. With respect, that sort of thinking again indicates you're not thinking of these potential children as the individuals they will be.

Ilovemypantry · 18/07/2018 09:45

Sorry but the world is already grossly overpopulated...resources stretched to breaking point.
Why on earth would you want to add to the problem by having 6/7 children? Especially as you don’t even intend to bring them up yourself and hire a nanny or two to care for them all.
I believe in China there is a limit of 1/2 children per couple. This has been enforced for a reason...the planet cannot cope with the ever increasing population and I’m afraid you will selfishly be adding to the problem.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 18/07/2018 09:45

And your phrase 'a big family is a benefit' jumps out at me. A benefit for whom?

It seems to me you're thinking in a very self-absorbed way about all this. I can't help agreeing with the PP who pointed out that children aren't puppues.

crispysausagerolls · 18/07/2018 09:46

I’m not trying to be a shit and scaremonger you but I have always wanted several children (4 or so) and my plan was to space them out and have 3 years between them, so one starts nursery while the other is with me all the time. However, having now gone through the absolute trauma of childbirth I am very apprehensive about having another baby, even if not for a few years. You really need to experience childbirth first! I adore my baby and will definitely want another one, but I will need to overcome a lot emotionally and mentally first to go through another pregnancy and labour (and mine really weren’t as bad as they can get, just very traumatic to me)

DieAntword · 18/07/2018 09:48

I believe in China there is a limit of 1/2 children per couple.

Not quite that simple. Ethnic minorities and farmers can have as many kids as they like. Han Chinese can have 2. It used to be 1, then they let people who are only children have 2 and now everyone can have 2. It's not working though because people are still having only one due to expectations for children now.

Chinese government is crapping themselves over the demographic crisis the one child policy has created but they can't reverse it because it's become culturally engrained.

UpstartCrow · 18/07/2018 09:50

I'm curious to know how someone who is the breadwinner can take such a hot to their career.

UpstartCrow · 18/07/2018 09:50

Dammit, 'hit'.

OneStepSideways · 18/07/2018 09:51

Personally I prefer spacing them out. You have time to recover physically and emotionally that way. And get more quality time with each of them, uninterrupted cuddles etc. Even though you can escape to work during the day, you'll still be 'on duty' with the kids in the evenings and at weekends, so lots of small ones could get overwhelming! Your DH may struggle too.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 18/07/2018 09:53

Where's the OP gone - is doing her '4 hours' of work?

Seafoodeatit · 18/07/2018 09:57

YANBU, you're allowed to think whatever you like but your opinion is based on just that at the moment, opinion - you don't know how you will find looking after a baby, the kind of recovery you have and what toll it'll have on your body.

Clinicallysilly · 18/07/2018 09:57

You need good therapy to manage your anxiety and depression. I would concentrate on getting therapy and being a good parent rather than planning on multiple children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2018 09:58

Dp is a high earner. 6 figure salary. He works 60+ hours per week and travels the world so is out of the house for weeks at a time.

Even a good internet business requires more than 4 hours per day.

To afford what you want you must be on at least £200k per year, £1000 per hour?

Ghanagirl · 18/07/2018 10:02

Op is talking rubbish

ohtheholidays · 18/07/2018 10:04

NameChangedforthisQ I have 5DC,you need to have your first child before you think about having 6 or 7,you can't ever tell how you'll feel about having more children until you've had your first.

I love my 5DC but it can be really hard work,we work hard to make sure that all of our DC get one on one time with me and one on one time with they're Dad.

The more children you have the more organized you need to be and you need to make sure you have enough money to have the DC in the first place,it's not just the increase on everyday things like food,gas,electric ect,it's the clothes,shoes,toys,electronics(as they get older)uniforms,after school clubs,pocket money,savings for each child,days out, a day at a farm costs us £175 (for entry and lunch,that's without a visit to the gift shop)days out to theme parks costs us double that,birthdays,Christmas,Easter,Halloween,clothes,holidays,it costs us £3,000 for a week in the uk self catering.

Honestly enjoy the time with your PFB before you have any more DC,you never get that time back don't squander it.

Candyflip · 18/07/2018 10:05

That is possible though oliversmumsarmy just because your DH is on a low hourly rate, doesn’t mean everyone else is.

Hoovermanoevre · 18/07/2018 10:07

The thing is with 6/7 kids, you have to think of it as in organising 6/7 really complicated fully grown people . Not 6/7 little sweet toddlers all sat around the dinner table with bowls of soup. You just cannot plan. You cannot plan, because children are just a lucky dip.... Some are chilled , others highly strung. Some madly ambitious, some laid back . It doesn't matter what you do. It's a myth that 'the big ones help out more' or any of that. Generally, if a family has 6 children, the parents have 6x the parenting workload of a family with one. So you have to take it one day at a time, and listen to the needs of your family day by day.

BounceAndClimb · 18/07/2018 10:07

What's the point in having a load of children then paying someone else to bring them up?
And what rewards are you meaning about a large family? Being a parent is about what you can give them not what they can give you, and being present is a vital part of that.

MrsPreston11 · 18/07/2018 10:16

Been through old posts - OP is a freelance writer on £25k.

She could "easily double" her work and therefore be on £50k.

We aren't flush on more than that for 2 kids.......keep dreaming OP. How will you afford to have space for 7 kids, let alone feed clothe, school them etc?

WhipItGood · 18/07/2018 10:17

My dd1 was just under three when I had dts. The dts (who were supposed to be baby no.2 not 2 babies) were a surprise we had not factored in at all Grin.

They have all been wonderful and have grown into young adults that I am so proud of and love to bits, but I have to say at times it was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Looking back I’m not sure how Dh and I got through physically, logistically or financially. Over-estimate on all those points. Then over-estimate those calculations again.

I can’t imagne setting out with a definitive (and large) number of children in mind. As others have said, have this one and see how it goes. Some babies are easier to look after than others and all babies grow into children and teenagers.

Family life is chaotic and all consuming. It only takes one unforeseen occurence major or minor and the best infrastructure comes tumbling down like a house of cards.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2018 10:21

Candyflip i was trying to say that yes you can be on £1000 per hour but you tend to work a damn site more than 4 hours per day and are usually a Hollywood A Lister or a championship footballer. Neither of which you can do without leaving the house.

She is on pro rata £2million per year.

First time on mumsnet I have heard a 6 figure salary being referred to as a low hourly rate.

GameOfMinges · 18/07/2018 10:23

Ooooh, I do like a cheeky advanced search!

Candyflip · 18/07/2018 10:26

You said your husband was away for weeks at a time. Yes, I think that is pretty crap remuneration for missing out on being with your family.

NameChangeUni · 18/07/2018 10:28

6 or 7 kids? You can’t be serious