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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is husband?

138 replies

WWUDo · 16/07/2018 15:39

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore Hmm not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/07/2018 15:44

He’s being a complete tit.

Ask him if he would feel like going to a party after having a watermelon crammed out of his arsehole?
Or trying to take care of a baby and himself while recovering from having said watermelon cut out of his belly?

Send a housewarming card and your apologies.
Can’t believe he’s even considering going or expecting you to go.

Ennirem · 16/07/2018 15:45

I actually don't think in the first instance either of you was being unreasonable - him for wanting to go, or you for wanting him not to. However, he has been very unreasonable acting like a sulky teenager moaning about what he's not 'allowed' to do. You're his wife, not his mother. You've asked him, out of consideration to you, to miss an event. He then has to decide as an adult if the event is important enough to him that he is willing to upset you. Then YOU get to decide, as an adult, how to respond to your upset. Instead he's trying to take the easy way out (not make you upset) - but then is upsetting you by his reaction!

Tell him to be a bloody grown-up, make his own decision and own it. It is not your responsibility to mask your own wishes so he doesn't have to feel guilty about serving his own.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 16/07/2018 15:51

So you're just going to ghost your childless friends now you've had a baby?

Ennirem · 16/07/2018 15:57

Skaross, there's a bit of a difference between saying "we may lose touch eventually" and ghosting isn't there? Fact is when you become parents you are very busy in the day and can't get out much at night. Most childless people don't take much joy in coming to your house for dinner parties where the host has to bugger off to settle crying baby for upwards of half an hour at various intervals. Some good friends hang on for you and are still there when you emerge from the fug of the early months, but by no means all of them. That's just life, and why mums' groups are a thing.

Anyway, the important point here is whether it's unreasonable for the OP to ask her husband not to leave her alone with the baby less than a fortnight after giving birth. Not if he'd be unreasonable to do so, really, but whether she's unreasonable to ask.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 16/07/2018 15:58

I can’t see why he shouldn’t go. You could invite a friend or family member over to keep you company for the night.

Everanewbie · 16/07/2018 16:00

Why don't you just see how things go? Is there not an option for him to show his face for an hour or so and not drink, i.e sociable but ready to be back with you at a moments notice?

Sirzy · 16/07/2018 16:00

I don’t see a problem with him going tbh as long as he is open to the idea of not going if there is any problems.

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 16:02

Assuming you and baby are well, I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to pop in for an hour or so, but it would be if he's expecting to stay late and have a skinful.

honeyishrunkthekid · 16/07/2018 16:03

All being well I would say let him go. He can enjoy a few hours out. If hes drinking make sure he doesn't stay in your room with baby and he can make it up to you another day by doing night shift or early morning?

Trinity66 · 16/07/2018 16:03

Yeah honestly I don't see why you're asking him not to go if he really wants to, I assume it would only be for a couple of hours anyway? I mean are you three never going to be separated for the first few weeks or what?

Readyfortheschoolhols · 16/07/2018 16:04

I was driving and shopping alone (with ds) ten days after a csection.
A few hours without dh on an evening would have been bliss!!

Cherubfish · 16/07/2018 16:04

Personally I’d let him go if he promises to a)send his apologies if you’re having a rough time and b) only stay a maximum of two hours.

Cherubfish · 16/07/2018 16:05

Oh and I forgot c)take care of the baby while you do something you’d particularly like to do.

user1483387154 · 16/07/2018 16:05

Yabu. One night away unless you have serious compli actions with your c section really shouldn't be an issue

ChateauneufDuTwat · 16/07/2018 16:05

YABU and controlling.

It's fine if you don't want to go but there is no reason at all why he shouldn't be able to go to his friend's party 7-10 days after you've had the baby.

It reads like you actively want to cut ties with these particular people tbh.

achoocashew · 16/07/2018 16:05

It's a a couple of hours? what's the problem? is he not allowed away from your side?

MysweetAudrina · 16/07/2018 16:06

Don't stop him going. It should be his choice. It's nice to catch up with friends and he will be celebrating the birth of his child. It's not like he is going abroad for a stag for the weekend.

keepingbees · 16/07/2018 16:07

Unless you're ill or there's a reason you can't cope alone then let him go. I think it should only be for a short while though. He's right about keeping touch with old friends.

tictoc76 · 16/07/2018 16:07

Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with it unless he got so drunk he was hungover and useless the next day. But if he’s driving that’s not going to happen anyway.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/07/2018 16:07

YABU I’d let him go. As long as all was ok with the birth and he didn’t stay out too long.

TheVanguardSix · 16/07/2018 16:08

I get where you’re coming from, first baby and all, but tread carefully. Let him go for a couple of hours. It’s no big thing. It’s not like he’s planning on going on a bender with mates. It’s a drinks evening. But see how you go post-birth. He may change his own mind once the baby is here.

Also those ‘childless’ friends won’t always be childless. Patience, OP. People have kids. Kids change people. Kids bond friends. You might be pleasantly surprised by these friends a couple of years down the road.

Dvg · 16/07/2018 16:10

I would let him go, single parents manage just fine every night without a partner so I'm sure you can manage 1 night...

He shouldn't sulk BUT I know the feeling when you really want to go to something maybe a compromise is in order.

Ariela · 16/07/2018 16:11

You may find if you have a relatively smooth birth that actually 10 days in (or more if baby is early perhaps?) you might want to all go to the party, albeit for a reduced time perhaps. I know I was deathly bored with my own company.... I'd play it by ear and say one or all of you will aim to go but things might change and you'll let them know nearer the time.... you might even find party date IS due date so you don't actually go.

Pointless planning now, things will change.

bluemoonchances · 16/07/2018 16:12

I don't see why he can't go even if to show his face for an hour. Can you ask another friend to come sit with while he's out if you really don't want to be alone?
Just because you think friendships might drift in the future doesn't mean he, or with of you , can't carry on being friends now.

And on a side note, as a woman who can't have kids, it's incredibly hurtful to be dropped as a friend just because I'm not in the parent club. Also, you are more than just your child, so why would you want to drop childless friends?

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 16:13

I can see why he's feeling anxious if you're taking a position that it's inevitable you (and he?) will lose touch with all your old friends once baby comes, and especially if he's already had to (justifiably) miss two fairly big events and baby hasn't even arrived yet.

It's a stressful time with all this change afoot. It's important to remember to be kind to each other too.