AIBU or is husband?

[WWUDo]

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

I would have had no problem with dh going to this. Either with my first or second.
I would also have gone myself, if dc and I were both invited.
Tbh, dh was fuck all use to me with pfb. I breastfed, she slept, I fed, she slept... round and round for weeks. There was nothing for him to do, so he played a few rounds of golf, then went back to work on day 3.

I like to imagine the best in every situation, and then deal with the problem if it arises. So, in tho situation 'sure, we're all coming, see you there.' And if can't, then day before 'sorry, change of plan.'

@Readyfortheschoolhols
Wow aren’t you amazing...

Maybe you should read my later posts @TacoLover

If I were you Badass, I'd play it by ear, anything could happen !
If he isn't one for getting drunk, I can't really see a problem, to be honest. He could start flapping about like a spare part, when the baby arrives, you might relish a couple of hours alone. 😄
Hope all goes well.🌸

@Lunde exactly, can think of lots of other things I'd rather do!

I agree, Shopping. After being torn to shreds by my two sons, I was finally - ‘allowed’ a c section with my daughter, which was nice of them 😒 Friends who had sections ranged from one who stayed in bed for two weeks and whose (banker) husband hired a ‘Tully’ for a few months, to a farmer’s wife who could change a John Deere tyre and birth lambs in six inches of snow - but couldn’t lift her hand to flush the loo for a fortnight. I’m basically a lumpy, irritable old sow, so I thought I’d be fucked. I was discharged the day after; took the kids shopping and for pizza on day three, and went to a BBQ on day six. Don’t allow anyone to tell you how it’s going to go down. You might not be able to do anything - you might be able to repoint a chimney. I personally think your husband should be allowed to go out for a couple of hours ten days post-partum - I certainly don’t think it’s manifestly unreasonable - but see how you go.

You might feel ok after your c section, in which case you would be being unreasonable and a bit controlling to not 'let' him go. Especially as he isn't a big drinker so he won't be hungover... (unless you're about to say that actually he's a massive cokehead ).
Anyway good luck with the birth and enjoy the time the three of you spend together.

Presumably he'll be returning to work after a couple of weeks? Him popping out for a few hours might be an opportunity to see how you get on alone – I mean, you'll have to get used to it pretty quickly anyway! But he shouldn't sulk-shame you, that's juvenile.

No way you will be in any state to go anywhere or be left alone with a baby 10 days after a c section , you will be getting there but you will still be stiff and sore , another couple of weeks later would be fine but it’s really far too soon .

Oh and to previous posters a c section is major abdominal surgery it’s not a competition to see who can do the most physically afterwards , i ploughed on hoovering and putting loads of washings on a few days after and ended up with my wound opening up , so you should always expect you will feel post abdominal surgery and take it as easy as possible .

People aren't suggesting it's a competition; just giving their own experiences.

Ghanagirl no just self sufficient.
Not amazing.

Not bitchy either.

Ugh, sounds like you're going to have 2 babies to look after. "I don't want to miss the party, poor me, boo hoo", well I don't want to be recovering on my own from having my fanny torn in 2, but here we are.

ichifanny
So if you absolutely cannot go anywhere or be left alone for even a couple of hours 10 days after a section, how does everyone manage to be fine all day just a couple of days later when their partner goes back to work - 2 weeks being a fairly standard amount of parternity leave?

No it’s not a competition, but there’s no need to be relentlessly negative - plenty of people, myself included twice, have had very good experience of recovery from sections and felt fine to be up and about quite quickly. It would probably be much more comfortable for someone to sit in a car for 2 hours after a section than in would if your fanny has been ripped to shreds by a vaginal birth.

*paternity!

I can't see why he can't go, when DS was two weeks old, DH went to one of our friends Silver Wedding Anniversary party.

At the time I was in hospital having a secondary PPH. I wouldn't have dreamed of telling him he couldn't go.

Oh no @ichifanny your wound opening up must have been awful.

I know a few people that had c-sections in the last years and they all agreed they had to take it easy for the whole 6 weeks post-op for the wound to heal properly. The one that didn't had all sort of problems, so have been warned to do as she says, and not as she did. They weren't homebound obviously, but none of them felt up to venturing out any further than a walk around their neighbourhood for the first couple of weeks. So being stuck two hours in a car with a newborn for a party is out of the question. Also will be BF so where I go, baby goes. And a loud party with people getting drunk is no place for a baby.

I'm shocked at the expression let him go for a few hours?????? Really???
If this was a woman everyone would be screaming bloody murder

Are you for real?! If a woman came on here and said, “I really want to go out for a few hours tomorrow night with some friends, but my DP has just had major surgery and doesn’t think he can cope with our very young baby on his own. Would I BU to go anyway?” You really think the DP would get called controlling?! I would bet my ass that most posters would say she’s being unreasonable to want to leave her recovering partner with a baby.

That’s not to say I don’t think he should go by the way, but I can see why OP doesn’t want him to.

Obviously you don’t want to go and that’s fine - you can do whatever you want. A newborn baby is almost definitely going to be asleep for the entirety of an hour long car journey though, and you sitting in a car for an hour is not going to be any more strenuous than sitting in an armchair at home. I do understand you might not want to go for plenty of other reasons though.

Also, breastfeeding doesn’t always work out for everyone who intends to do it - I know from experience- hopefully you will be able to if you want, but if you can’t for any reason remember that’s fine too, just enjoy your baby. Good luck!

Interesting that those people who are determined that they will need every second of six weeks if they are to resume normal activities, somehow have had a more ‘authentic experience’ than those of us who were surprised to find that it wasn’t nearly as bad as they’d feared. If you’re determined that you’ll need lots of time to heal, that’s fine, but please don’t denigrate those of us who didn’t: we didn’t all around holding our wounds shut with our fingers, and biting down on yucca roots. But ffs, ten days after the event, let your husband leave the house for a couple of hours if he wants to.

Couldn’t agree more, Kitty

Not sure where "letting him go" has come from. In my original post I said I didn't want him to go, which is different to not letting him. He's an adult and can obviously decide himself what he will ultimately do. But I'm also quite straightforward and would rather tell him how I feel, than be annoyed or hurt at something and have him wonder what the hell is going on.

After thinking about it and reading comments, I did tell him that although I wont be going, he could go depending on how things are at the time. He admitted he'd been grumpy about it, and is not too bothered anymore. He wouldn't like me to leave him alone for hours on end that soon to go to a party if it were him undergoing major surgery, in the hopes of salvaging a couple of friendships, so understands how I felt about it. If they're really friends they'll still be there a few months later.

YANBU

I personally found recovering from a C-section and trying to breastfeed whilst struggling with sleep deprivation and the massive life adjustment a baby brings really tough for a few weeks after birth. I certainly wouldn't have been facilitating my DH to go out on a jolly with his friends, not because I'm a killjoy or controlling but because I simply wouldn't have been in a state either emotionally or physically to do that.

I feel like with a c section and birth in general the pressure to just bounce back and cope is immense which is absolutely crazy when you think that it is major surgery. If you add into the mix a demanding newborn baby, the associated hormones, lack of sleep, feeding struggles etc is it any wonder why a good proportion of new mothers feel overwhelmed and yes, maybe they do want and need their partners to be around as much as possible in those tricky first few weeks/months. There is nothing wrong with this and no woman should be guilt tripped or shamed for asking this of the father of THEIR baby.

Honestly some of the posts on this thread have not been helpful to struggling new mums and could potentially have horrible repercussions for their mental health when it reads like you are basically a failure if you are not coping perfectly 10 days after major abdominal surgery. You may have sailed through birth and those early weeks but not everybody does and let's not minimise what women go through.

I would tell it’s fine to go even though it’s not once the baby is here he will most likely be too knackered to go!

Also a good reasons for not wanting to travel a total of two hours with a 10 day old baby for the sake of a party

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats/