AIBU or is husband?

[WWUDo]

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

You are both being reasonable - having a baby puts these kind of pressures on a family

You need to have a chat about the wider problem with him - what both of your expectations are as to who will do what and how much help you will both need.

I would set a precedent for this issue (it will come up again in various forms) and say -
‘I’d like you not to go - I’ll have had major surgery and I’ve never had a child so I’m nervous I wouldn’t cope on my own. However, I think it is important for us to try and keep a social life and a balanced life. It would be unfair though if I’m always the one at home with the baby and you always the one doing out. It would be nice to have gone to this party together but we couldn’t expose our baby to the germs and I wouldn’t have recovered well enough.

Can you find someone to come and help me whilst you go out? (Family, friend etc) and can you also be open to cancelling if I’m in an awful state or we have a colicky baby nearer the time?

Can I then go out and you babysit whenever I’m ready to?

I'd let him go to. When he goes to work you'll be alone so no difference. If no other children to consider, I'd have let him go to the wedding or have his friends over for the football as bed rest is boring for the person let alone those around them.

Friends are important, too many ditch them to please a partner and end up lonely when the relationship goes pear shaped.

Don’t take a 10 day old to a party - their immune system is immature and you would be putting them at risk

Thank you @Bumpitybumper. Good to know it's ok to be human, and not superwoman.

You are overthinking this. I’ve had a section.

Ten days on, with a newborn you’ll be shattered anyway.

Give him your blessing. You aren’t going to be in agonising pain. You’ll be able to manage without him.

It’s imperative anyway that you spend as much time as possible with the baby in those early days surgery or not.

And believe it or not friendships are vital. He values those people whether you like it or not. Perhaps he doesn’t agree with your perception of them..........

About those friends, they are the ones he wanted just to invite to our evening reception when we got married, and I insisted they were there the whole day. So although mutual, kinda more my friends than his originally.

How long do women stay in hospital after c-sections? I know it is shorter now, but in the past, men usually went back to work immediately and only took time off once mother and baby went home, so they could help out. Maybe things have hugely changed since I had a c-section, but I would definitely have needed someone to help me just 10 days after the op. And we were both truly exhausted.

Semantics, OP. You described yourself as having ‘said no’ to a couple of things: no-one imagined that you put him in leg irons, but you didn’t really let him go, did you?
I, and many others on here have belaboured the point that it’s not a competition, and we’re not superwomen - quite the opposite. I’m an ageing physical wreck, with a too-high BMI and too great a fondness for Sauvy B. I have limped through all sorts of things, irritated by my own low pain threshold and propensity for fatigue. I was admitted to hospital 3-4 times with each pregnancy - failing kidneys; HG - and began to get on my own nerves. BUT I recovered from the section remarkably quickly, and with remarkably little pain. That doesn’t make me anything but lucky - I was convinced I’d be lying around
Ike Garbo in ‘Camille’, feebly ringing a bell and asking someone to check my bedsores. But I wasn’t, and you might not be, either. And I think a couple of hours away from you, ten days in, is reasonable for your husband. By all means - if he ties one on, and reels home in the early hours, you can read him the riot act. But I’d hope you’re representing to him, that opinion on MN is divided, and not just saying that everyone thinks he’s a selfish tit. Hopefully you’ll both be able to reach a decision.

I stayed overnight in a hotel when baby was 5 days old for a wedding of a friend? See how you feel and you might not mind him going when the time comes! Nice mumma and baby bonding without dad!

Baby was with me for hotel and wedding! Sounds like I left the poor lad!

Just let him go alone?

A lot of people might find it easy but I always think no wonder women end up feeling like failures when women say things like I was down the pub beer garden the next day after being sliced open , it makes people who don’t bounce back feel like shit , I’d say it’s good to assume you will likely not feel like walking beyond your front door and doing much beyond cuddling your baby and eating snacks on the couch , if anything else is manageable then that’s a bonus . My husband only got a weeks paternity leave after my c section so I had no choice but to manage but it took its toll on me and my recovery .

I think there is no point arguing over it at this stage. Maybe you'll be fine with it. Maybe he'll be too tired to be arsed. Basically, the answer to all these questions is "no idea, wait and see".

I remember getting really upset about DH wanting to go to a gig 4 hours from the hospital the day before my due date. He reluctantly agreed not to go because I couldn't even discuss it without bursting into tears imagining all the things that could go wrong, and what it would be like to be alone for them. In reality, by that date my baby had been in neonatal for a couple of weeks then home a fortnight. I was totally in the swing of things and happy for him to get a last minute ticket and go.

Chances are he will be too knackered when the time comes and he’s had some sleepless nights so just smile and nod for now and don’t let it upset you .

Whilst there are many posters saying - oh go, it’s only a couple of hours... it’s a couple of hours he could be looking after the baby and you getting 3 hours much needed sleep.
I guess it comes down to whether or not you see parenting as a joint thing, or he’s going to ‘help’ you with his own child.

I can understand him asking, but getting pissy at being told it’s a bad idea would hack me right off.

I have the same issue here! DP friend is getting married 9 days after my due date and we have been invited all day. I’ve declined but DP thinks we/he could go to the evening part. I really won’t feel comfortable looking after a new baby on my own at that point. I’ve explained and he says he gets it and is not fussed but I know for a fact that this will raise its head again......

But why is it ok to say “I will be breastfeeding” as if that is a given and nothing can go wrong, but can’t entertain the idea that you might just be ok 10 days after a section?

I wasn’t knackered even - I slept better than I had for months as at last I didn’t have a sore back!

I’m not a superwoman by any means - I’m way too fat for a start- just saying you have no idea how you’ll feel, so why be negative and assume you’ll be incapacitated and be relying on your DH for everything when you might be fine?

Let him go.

Sounds like a reasonable outcome op.
It just depends so much. Mine wouldn’t have gone because I was struggling at that point.

Some people seem to be confusing being alone with the baby, with totally overdoing things. There is a big difference between "You will be ok being alone with baby for a few hours 10 days postpartum" and "You can be doing heavy laundry and housework and rollerblading and partying".

I agree it's important not to minimise the impact of a first birth. Even a vaginal birth with no tearing still leaves you worn out. Birth takes time to recover from. But that recovery period does not have to involve 24/7 supervision.

If your DH goes, you can just rest with the baby. He can help with the baby for the other - what - 20 hours of the day/night.

If your DH goes, you can just rest with the baby
Bahhwahahhaaa . Depends on the bloody baby doesn’t it?! If my dh holds our baby for a few hours between 9pm and midnight then I can sleep. Then I get up and go to bed when I can finally settle the baby. It was 2am then 3 am moved to 4am. So if he went out then I can go to bed for a couple of hours at 4am. Toddler will get up between 6&7 so that’s not much sleep... I rely on ds getting up with the toddler weekends to not collapse completely. Obviously we are trying to change this but ... it very much depends on the baby!! Tuesday the toddler woke and everyone in the bloody house was awake 2-3am.

Why has he had to go to things alone just because you're pregnant? (Unless it was a trip to Alton towers etc) , I'm working all over the country and travelling hundreds of miles a week, in a fast paced, high pressure job and still socialising and hosting. Now no evening out for him, not even a 'if everything goes to plan sure, but if the birth doesn't go well I might need you'. No wonder he's feeling like he's not allowed to do anything anymore. Also is it your place to 'allow' him to do things? I agree with PPs you sound like you've already decided to cut certain people out and you're forcing that choice onto him too.

I can only speak from my own C-Section experience (emergency CS) when DH had to go back to work just under a week later. I have no living family nearby, so just had to manage as best I could for the 8 hours he was at work.

If he's only going to be a few hours, I can't see it as that much of a problem. If he's going to be ages, and possibly drunk, then he is being unreasonable.

He doesn't know how he is going to feel ten days after the baby comes! I have had 2 sections and was in hospital for ten days each time because of complicated pregnancies and recovery plus my kids were in scbu with the first and picu with the second. Staying in that long is not the norm but was necessary both times. You don't know how long you will be in for firstly, if it is a section you will be in the early recovery stage and honestly ......you need someone with you initially because even making a cup of tea is painful.

Don't let it become an issue ...sulking is ridiculous! See how you guys feel after the baby comes, you may want some time with your mum or other relatives after the birth. People who haven't had complicated pregnancies can't understand who difficult it is. Not every one has easy pregnancies, I could hardly walk during mine which made doing anything very painful.

YANBU he needs to fucking grow up.