AIBU or is husband?

[WWUDo]

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

Honestly, I think he should accept the invitation if he wants to. When the time comes, you will both know better whether it is ok for him to go or not. If baby is colicky and you are having a hard recovery and he is needed at home, then presumably his plans will change. if you are doing fine, then you may not care if he goes to a party for a few hours.

I wouldn't have a problem with my Dh going to a party even if I didn't want to.

I was also a bit about you describing your childless friends. To be honest no-one really knows why some couples are childless.

Shoppingwithmother: You may find that you want to go yourself and show off the baby!

You think that the OP wants to travel for 2 hours and attend a housewarming party (probably with childfree friends getting drunk) a few days after a C section?

Thanks for the replies, it helps to see different points of view for both sides of the issue.

What annoyed me most was the DH's way of reacting when I was honest and said how I felt about it right now, more so than the fact he had considered going. He morphed into a stroppy teenager, so that rubbed me up the wrong way, especially since tomorrow we're meeting with the consultant to discuss the c-section, which is worrying me a bit.

Not ghosting friends. Actually, some have ghosted us as soon as they found out we had a baby on the way. They haven't bothered to reply when we've invited them up for a couple of parties during the pregnancy. Basically gone AWOL because they don't like children (from the horse's mouth). So feeling a bit annoyed DH would rush to a party, having to drive almost an hour each way, under those circumstances to see those particular friends in order to stay in touch, when they haven't even bother to take 5 minutes of their time to send a text message and acknowledge our invitations. Luckily we also have childless friends who don't mind being around people with babies, as well as friends with children (who were also ghosted by those same ppl).

Wow some very unsupportive pps out there. People seem to be projecting their feelings after a normal pregnancy and straight forward delivery - but this is not what OP is facing.

Well, it is the AIBU section? the point is to give your honest opinion on the situation, isn't it? I mean, the OP doesn't know what the birth of her child will be like, it could be pretty straight forward as well. The best answer to this thread, imo, is wait and see what happens and decide then, surely it doesn't have to be a definite yes or no right now and I'm sure the friends will understand that he has to play it by ear

Does he have to decide now? Surely wait and see how things are at the time?

My sympathies are with you, especially given the complicated pregnancy and likely CS. It may well be that he just doesn't grasp the reality yet but will once the birth has happened and the baby is here.

He is being VU for talking about being 'allowed' though. You're not his mum and, presumably, he played some part in deciding to have a baby. That is the language of someone who sees childcare as a mother's responsibility, with the dad 'helping' or 'babysitting'.

@Melliegrantfirstlady he did go to events when I was in bed rest, I and no problem with it. Not going to a wedding 12 hours drive away when I was only allowed to get up to the loo? Don't see how I was being unreasonable tbh.

Sorry your friends have ghosted you. That can be very hurtful. Happened to me with 2 'best' friends. One just never got back in touch and kept living a very partying lifestyle, and the other told me he was in love with me and he couldnt live without me (not sure why the pregnancy announcement made the difference, I had been with DH for years!)

Dont make your mind up now. You might be desperate for some time alone 10 days in. it can be very hard getting time alone in the first few weeks.

I sent Dh to pub for an hour when I went into labour as contractions were very far apart and it was NYE! He didnt drink and came back and took me to hospital later that night.

He also re-took up his hobby a week after birth. One night a week out for a few hours is no bother. its good for you both to have time apart.

That said, if you need medical help, he shouldnt go.

Not ghosting friends. Actually, some have ghosted us as soon as they found out we had a baby on the way. They haven't bothered to reply when we've invited them up for a couple of parties during the pregnancy. Basically gone AWOL because they don't like children (from the horse's mouth). So feeling a bit annoyed DH would rush to a party, having to drive almost an hour each way, under those circumstances to see those particular friends in order to stay in touch, when they haven't even bother to take 5 minutes of their time to send a text message and acknowledge our invitations.

Hmm.

From what you say it sounds to me like these are friends who are important to your husband and he's worried he is going to "lose" them once he becomes a father. Maybe that's why it's so important to him to go to this party - to show that they can still be friends even if his life has drastically changed.

If these people really are as you say then maybe they will indeed "ghost" you and your husband once the baby arrives. But maybe it would be better to let him go and continue to make the effort with them, and then at least if/when the ghosting happens, he won't feel like it's your fault.

If you flat out refuse to let him go and they end up drifting apart, it might be something he blames/resents you for in his more unreasonable moments.

In the grand scheme of things, being without him for an evening (even when baby is very small) is a fairly minor thing, especially if you can get someone else to come and keep you company. If you make him stay at home then it sounds like he will be resentful and you could well get the blame if they end up drifting apart.

Just let nature take its course.

TBH I had a very complicated pregnancy and knew I was having a c-section. After all the worries of the pregnancy we met friends down the pub the night after we came home from hospital.
Put DC in his car seat under the table. It was great to finally relax.
As it happens the wife part of the couple went into very quick labour in the pub. My DH ended up driving her to the hospital & they named their DS after my DH 😂.
Most newborns are very portable & couldn’t wait to show him off

I think that any friend worth the description will still be there in six months time though. Things may feel very urgent and as though everything has to happen at once now, before everything changes but they really aren't.

I can understand where you're coming from. It's all a bit scary and unknown right now - new baby, c section - you're perhaps panicking a bit at the thought of him leaving you on your own.

The reality is that if it's all straightforward during the birth, you'll probably be well on the way to feeling fine 10 days post c section. For me, the first five days sucked and then after that I got exponentially better day by day. I think I was even driving by day 10.

Anyway, the point is, you will probably be fine if he goes for a couple of hours.

The issue though, is the fact that when you said you'd prefer it if he didn't go, he acted like a massive twat about it. It sounds like there's a narrative going on in his head where you have become a mother and fun sponge and he has become a martyred party-boy, stuck under the thumb by family life.

That is shit. He is about to become a father. He should be excited and embracing of the prospect of family life, not kicking against it and acting like a grounded teenager. Tell him to pull his head out of his arse.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to go out for half a day, especially if you're 10 days postpartum at that time. You'll be encouraged to be mobile post c-section so it's not like you'd be on bed rest then. Lots of people don't get that much paternity leave and I am frankly bemused at those who are suggesting a woman can't be left alone for a few hours at that stage. What are you going to do when he goes back to work?

If you want him to help, ask him to get you a meal sorted before he goes that you can easily serve yourself with one hand while holding the baby. Get some DVDs in, some nice snacks, and snuggle on the sofa with your baby.

It's not fair to deride him for being sulky. How is he supposed to respond? He disagrees with what you're asking; he's allowed to disagree, and he's allowed to go out. He's an adult. Just remember that you also are allowed to go out, when you are ready, and you'll need hours babysitting services, not his permission.

I think YABU. You sound happy to distance yourself from these friends but he obviously isn't. You don't become joined at the hip once you have a baby - I would let him go.

Lunde
Well I said she “may” find she wants to. Sitting in a car for an hour at a time 10 days after a section is not outside the realms of possibility is it? I didn’t say she should walk there. I just said all may go well and she “may” find she wanted to and might enjoy it. She might not even be breastfeeding and could have a drink herself if DH is driving. She “may” not want to do any of that, no - but I did make allowance for that in my post.

@ladymariner everyone's allowed an opinion and that's mine. If you don't like it you know what to do 👋🏽

Two of my husband's friends ghosted him the second our son was born. This was after months of digs about how shit his life was going to be once the baby was here, he'd never be allowed out etc. They were literally drinking in the pub together a few weeks before the birth.

In seven months, we've thrown a Christmas party, went out (plus baby) to a friends for NYE, thrown a housewarming party and my husband has been off to a festival for the weekend recently (I don't do camping...) We've both seen our friends - jointly and separately. Life has obviously changed, but we have still seen and been there for our friends.

If they ditch him for missing one party a few days after his child's birth, they're really not worth hanging on to. I'd say better to know now so you don't waste increasingly precious time with people who don't care about you 🤷‍♀️

In DH's defence he isn't the type to get drunk, but he is the type to be convinced of staying longer somewhere to not seem rude.

In my defence I have only asked him not to attend or host two things without me during this pregnancy, and had very good reasons. Any other time I've actually encouraged him to go to parties or other social events we would have normally went to together.

One of them I couldn't go because being on bed rest to maintain the pregnancy, and having DH be able to be with me at the hospital if I had to be admitted, was far more important than going to a second cousin's wedding where he would have to have stayed overnight at least 2 days. And the second one was a party to watch blooming football when I was unwell, and ended admitted into the antenatal unit for a few nights.

In hindsight, maybe my choice of words today wasn't the best when I asked him not to go. But hey we're all only human, and he didn't have the best choice of words either.

Good thing is I am seeing now how I could have come across as unreasonable to him, but also that it's understandable I am a bit hurt too

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to lose touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually.

So the difference is that he cares about not losing his friends and you don't. The question is, will not going to the party start the course of drifting away? How often do you meet up with these friends and are you likely to stop him going to these? I guess, to me you're coming across as somebody who doesn't care about having friendships with other people because you will have your kid and your other mummy friends. Just because you don't care I don't think you should disregard your DH's wants to maintain relationships.

He should go, why is him going an issue?

I would say yes as long as he is willing to change plans if on the day there are reasons why you won't be able to cope. You may find he won't want to go as he'll be shattered or he simply doesnt want to be apart from you and the baby when the time arrives.

I'd probs say let him go.

Also, you mention eventually losing contact with his childless friends. Perhaps it annoys him if you've alluded to this.

I am assuming that this may be your first child? In this instance I'm afraid I do think yab a little bit u, but understandably so. Life doesn't necessarily need to come to a standstill when you have a baby by c-section or otherwise, and I'm saying that with kindness to you (and as a mother of an 11 week old baby delivered by c-section). Of course, err on the side of caution - you may well be horribly overdue after all, but don't necessarily rule out going to the party just because you've had a baby, and definitely don't rule your husband from going if he'd like to. You might well find by day 10 that you're up and about a bit and fancy showing off your new bundle. Just go with the flow and see how you get on and feel at the time. You wouldn't be expected to stay long if it was my party but I'm sure everyone would love to see you and your beautiful new baby! Very good luck with the delivery however it happens and enjoy your little one.

I had a C-Section with my DD and we had a wedding party about a week after she was born (she was overdue). I didn't go, but had no problem at all letting DH go. I felt ok after the Section and tbh it was kind of nice to have the evening to myself with DD and just chill out with no one else around.

there was a constant stream of visitors when she was born, and i loved it, but i did really enjoy that evening when it was just me and her.

why not just see how you feel closer to the time. If you are having a tough time after the birth it may well be that your husband wouldn't want to go and leave you in any event x

I think you're being a bit ridiculous!

Ten days after you should be able to look after your own baby for a few hours!