AIBU or is husband?

[WWUDo]

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

No need to assume, @DiabolicalMess, OP says it's their first and it been complicated.

@ FASH84
Why has he had to go to things alone just because you're pregnant? (Unless it was a trip to Alton towers etc) , I'm working all over the country and travelling hundreds of miles a week, in a fast paced, high pressure job and still socialising and hosting.
Good for you, but is it that hard to imagine that not everyone has the kind of pregnancy where this is possible? Lots of women suffer with a whole host of conditions during pregnancy and even if you're lucky enough to avoid hypermesis, SPD etc, "normal" pregnancy symptoms such as exhaustion can make socialising very hard.

The thing that's annoying me most on this thread is it highlights a bit of a double standard in society. Due to biology, women have to shoulder responsibility for pregnancy and birth, these are absolutely massive things for someone to go through and yet there seems to be a reluctance to accept that this may change the wants and needs of a woman and shock horror some women may want more support than others. I just don't understand why people are so desperate to make sure that a new mother doesn't get the level of support they want if it is at all possible?

The expectation for men on the other hand is that they shouldn't be unfairly impeded by any of this pregnancy and birth business so for example lots of people think OP's DH should be able to attend a party whilst OP is recovering and potentially struggling with a baby. Why is it relevant that technically OP could cope? The baby is both of their child, they both have responsibility for it and if she isn't comfortable being left alone at that point then her wishes should be supported. Some men don't look after their kids alone for YEARS and this is pathetic, but the OP wanting a bit of support 10 days post major abdominal surgery is certainly not.

@Claire90ftm 👍🏼

@FASH84 good for you. If you read my actual posts you would know the answer to your questions.

Don't have a problem with people saying IWBU, it is an AIBU thread after all. But FFS at least bother to finish reading the first post, and maybe some of the other posts I've written before going on a rant (This goes for AIBU threads threads in general, not just mine).

Just replied to another thread about your thread op, and realised I haven’t said explicitly in my other response that I agree with you. Being a parent means going to less parties no matter which genitals you have.

Especially when the party throwers are arseholes who stop texting you back when you have the audacity to get pregnant.

That being said I don’t think you truly understand what it’s like to have a newborn until you have one and he will probably change his mind when the baby comes. If he doesn’t, post on relationships, people are nicer there.

The expectation for men on the other hand is that they shouldn't be unfairly impeded by any of this pregnancy and birth business so for example lots of people think OP's DH should be able to attend a party whilst OP is recovering and potentially struggling with a baby.

You have a point but it has to be said this is the expectation of manchildren, it is something for fathers to quickly grow out of and many do. I would just say that to DH.

I mean "I need to go to a party" when you've got a newborn with all that entails, that's not a matter of which sex you are, it's a matter of whether you think you're a carefree teenager or not.

Maybe he will realise this when the baby actually arrives and it's clear things are different to what he expected. If not, I would definitely tell him to grow the eff up.

@UneMoonit
Oh yes I agree completely, it's just when people try to insinuate that OP is being controlling because she is unhappy to be literally left holding the baby less than 2 weeks after major surgery that I tend to see red. As other posters have suggested, can you imagine a mother posting a thread asking if they were reasonable to request that their DP look after their baby 10 days after major abdominal surgery because she wanted to go out and socialise? I have never seen such a thread and imagine if it did exist the mother would be told she is very much being unreasonable and should wait until her DP is at least further recovered before trying to go out to a party. I just cannot ever envisage a situation where someone would respond that the woman's DP was being controlling to not want to look after a baby so soon after surgery.

Spot on bumpitybump I’m at week 30 of a horrendous pregnancy that’s includes SPD and a heamatoma that made me bleed weeks 10 to 20 and I’m having a c section at 38 weeks , if my husband started talking about nights out potentially around a week after my surgery I can’t say I’d be too impressed and I’m a pretty laid back ‘ cool wife’ most of the time . The expectation of women just to be fine and get on with it because other women ‘ had to manage’ is bollocks .

I think you are looking at a section far too pessimistically. Yes you shouldn't 'overdo' it afterwards - so no heavy exercising, running a marathon, scrubbing the kitchen or etc. But by 10 days I expect you largely be back to normal.

I'm pretty much a wimp but by 2 weeks was happily dragging a pushchair on and off the bus, and I think I went out to a party (without baby, though I've taken her to plenty subsequently) about that time too.

You don't want to go anyway, because you're annoyed at them for not staying in touch properly, but I think that's the real reason.

I'd have happily been able to go to the party by 10 days (well, I did...), but there's no rule that says you have to go. Have an evening in with your baby, or invite some friends over to keep you company and order pizza.

Basically, if you want to take full advantage of the '6 weeks thing' and relax at home for it, then that's upto you, but it's probably going to be because you want to, rather than it being necessary.

I think most people find the recovery with a section is far quicker than they anticipate.

Oh, I also had a terrible pregnancy which left me pretty much immobile. I slept more and felt fabulous once the baby arrived. Having a difficult pregnancy can make having a baby seem blissful sometimes.

I had a similar situation and my husband didn’t go to the birthday party.

SOME people recover very well and are driving however some don’t. I found the pain the worst day 5-10 and couldn’t sit up by myself in bed let alone deal with a baby how hours at night or deal with a drunk husband.
It’s such a short amount of time to not go out so I don’t think it’s a huge ask of him. Also if your bottle feeding (I breastfed) it’ll could be really difficult getting up and out of bed or walking around/going downstairs to make bottles.

I think there’s a lot of expectations to recover quickly because it’s ‘only’ a c-section but it’s major surgery and it will take a while to heal.

Also not only about the surgery but with my first baby (not a c-section) the thought of being alone with baby was actually terrifying. It can be really nerve wracking being alone with them.

Also to add I was walking out the house by day 6 and had a toddler after my section..

Yet it was STILL very painful to sit up, till out of bed, walking up and down stairs. You can’t over do it and I ended up doing just that and my scar opened up.

Realistically you would be fine with a baby but it could be hard and too soon for you so why put yourself through something your not ready for

After thinking about it and reading comments, I did tell him that although I wont be going, he could go depending on how things are at the time. He admitted he'd been grumpy about it, and is not too bothered anymore. He wouldn't like me to leave him alone for hours on end that soon to go to a party if it were him undergoing major surgery, in the hopes of salvaging a couple of friendships, so understands how I felt about it. If they're really friends they'll still be there a few months later.

Glad you worked it out, seems like the whole situation was just blown out of proportion in the first place