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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is husband?

138 replies

WWUDo · 16/07/2018 15:39

Before I start, DH is a nice person, and usually considerate.

However, he just mentioned that a friend of ours is having a get together party within a week of my due date (first baby). There is a big chance I'll have to get a C-section due to a complicated pregnancy, so if it goes ahead party would be about a week after my c-section.

His reason for wanting to go is that he "doesn't want to keep in touch with friends". The ones going to this party are our childless friends, who tbh don't have time for or simply don't like children, so I can see us losing contact with some of them eventually. Obviously I wouldn't be going because I would much rather be with my baby and having a rest, or recovering from surgery.

I was honest with him and told him that I actually don't want him to go so soon after the birth of our baby, be it naturally or by c-section. That I think it is more important to spend time together getting used to our little family, and that if I have a c-section after all I could do with his help. Also, even though he said he would only stay an hour, I know him well and know he would stay longer so as to not be rude, plus factor in almost an hour travel each way.

He seemed annoyed and said something on the lines of not being allowed to do anything anymore Hmm not true, only things I have said no to were a wedding far away when I was in bed rest, and not to hosting friends when I was feeling miserable (ended up in hospital actually). He has been to some things mutual friends have organised alone while I've been pregnant, I didn't go because I wasn't fit for it, but had no problem with him attending.

So who is BU: me for not wanting him to go days after our baby is born, or him for wanting to go socialising alone when his first child is only days old?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details]

OP posts:
Froglette16 · 16/07/2018 16:13

I’d say let him go but ask for a sitter to come to cover you in case you need help. Could be a good opportunity to allow sitter to look after baby and for you to get some rest. PS must be a sitter with newborn experience but they’re around so maybe try it? You would still be in the house if needed. ❤️

BlackInk · 16/07/2018 16:13

If I were you OP I would suggest playing it by ear (and hopefully he'll forget all about the party!). There are so many unknowns so no point in falling out over it now...

If you don't end up having a C section your baby may be overdue and not even born yet, may only be a day old or you may be in labour.

Even if baby is born by C section and is 10 days old your DH may be too tired to want to go to a party.

Or you might be all settled into motherhood and be quite glad of a few hours just you and your baby.

I can see where you're both coming from.

Yes, labour and new babies are exhausting and a section takes a while to fully recover from. But giving birth isn't an illness and life does go on. Many people's partners are back at work full time a couple of days after baby is born.

You might even be feeling fine and fancy a trip out all together. We went camping for a week when my DC1 was a few weeks old and it was lovely (mostly).

Wait and see :)

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/07/2018 16:14

So many things can happen after having a baby. It can go great, the baby can be 'easy', you can recover quickly and feel OK. Or have a baby who screams / won't sleep and it take you ages to recover from a tricky birth. And anywhere in between these two extremes. He doesn't know how it's going to go. He could commit to going but he doesn't know he won't be leaving you alone in physical pain with no sleep struggling to pick the baby up!

My point is its maybe best to make no firm plans for soon after the birth at this point. Someone said to me to count keeping the baby alive as my task for the first few weeks and if I managed anything else at all (having a shower or a cup of tea!) it would be a bonus.

I know his friends don't have kids but if they are decent people they should be understanding and accept if he says he would like to go but doesn't know if he can yet and will have to see how you're both coping after the birth

My husband went to a wedding less than 2 weeks after the birth of our second but we decided together, he asked if he could go to the evening not the day, I had my mum round to help, and he didn't drink so could still help in the night when he got back.

Ps don't write your friends off, some of my friends without kids have been absolutely lovely and understanding and others melted away at the first sign of babies even though we made an effort to do non baby things ( nights out etc )

BasicUsername · 16/07/2018 16:17

I'm surprised that some posters believe that you are being the unreasonable one. If he stays for one hour, and it's an hour each way, then he is going to be gone for a bare minimum of 3 hours.

If he goes let him know that, should he ever require major surgery, you will be buggering off for a night out ten days later, leaving him to look after your child.

TBH, once the baby arrives, I think his priorities will shift in the right direction.

sar302 · 16/07/2018 16:17

10 days after a c section, with your first child, you're not being unreasonable to want him around - especially if he's the type to "just go for one" and then come back 6 hours later. There will be other parties.

That being said, my husband really wanted to see the new Star Wars film that came out just as our Baby was born. So I just invited a friend round for the evening and he went out for a few hours with friends to see it.

Tiny babies are also very portable. So as long as you're feeling up to it, you could potentially all go.

It's not "controlling" to ask for support from your partner when you're feeling at your most vulnerable. And it doesn't mean it's forever.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/07/2018 16:19

You do not own your husband. He doesn’t and shouldn’t require your permission to have a night out!

Insisting he doesn’t go somewhere because you are on bed rest is also shocking!

It’s a few hours fgs.

ReadingRiot · 16/07/2018 16:21

My DC aren't that old and we were considered very lucky that DH's employer offered a week's paid paternity leave. It really is only very recent that all mothers had to manage all day within a few days of the birth. I understand OP's concern and I agree it's best to wait and see how everyone is but it's not unreasonable to think she'll be OK on her own for a few hours.

KittyLover91 · 16/07/2018 16:21

I'd be raging. Typical bloke. Doesn't he realise there is going to be things you might not be able to do while you are looking after your baby?! And what about all the things you couldn't do while your were growing your baby?!

Bibesia · 16/07/2018 16:21

It's a a couple of hours?

Well, no. RTFOP. It's almost two hours' travel, plus at least an hour at the party, and as OP says the chances are strongly that that hour will extend into two.

I wouldn't be happy about being left on my own 10 days after major abdominal surgery, let alone if I had a small baby to care for. OP's husband has the rest of his life to keep up with these friends.

Alwaysinthewrong86 · 16/07/2018 16:24

Dh planned a day out when I was pregnant for a sporting event at the other end of the country. In theory Dd should have been about 4 weeks old if they arrived on time.

Dd was 2 weeks late and ended up being born by emergency c section. Said event ended up being 10 days after her birth. Dh still went, I was fine, Dd was fine and actually it was quite nice to have some alone time with Dd. I had family on standby nearby in case we needed anything.

As someone else said, so much can happen so you probably need to see how you feel nearer the time.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/07/2018 16:24

Send him on his way and enjoying an evening at home with your baby.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/07/2018 16:24

It’ll be 3-4 hours, hardly the end of the world if he goes.

Firesuit · 16/07/2018 16:25

However, he has been very unreasonable acting like a sulky teenager moaning about what he's not 'allowed' to do.

So a man as his default response does what his his wife prefers, but because he does so grudgingly, he is in the wrong for not simply refusing? Head's he's a cunt, tails he's also a cunt.

BlackInk · 16/07/2018 16:26

...he is going to be gone for a bare minimum of 3 hours...

Is it not normal for mums to be able to manage for a few hours without help with a newborn in most cases? As I said, some fathers are straight back to work and not all new mums have someone staying to look after them?

Obviously different if mum or baby are unwell, though.

ladymariner · 16/07/2018 16:31

Yabu for saying "my little family"....what a totally nauseating turn of phrase!
And actually I too don't see the problem with him going, assuming you're ok. I suggest waiting till after the birth to see how you're feeling but you are coming over a bit twee. And what's with the dropping childless friends rubbish, that's awful, no wonder he wants to make sure they all keep in touch.

swimmerlab · 16/07/2018 16:31

I sent my husband away for the night when our first was 9 days old. He had initially said no because it was overnight.

Ot was good for me as well, made me feel a bit more confident in myself.

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 16:32

It sounds like these are friends who aren't particularly important to you, but are important to him.

I would let him go, to be honest.

Colbu24 · 16/07/2018 16:32

I'm shocked at the expression let him go for a few hours?????? Really???
If this was a woman everyone would be screaming bloody murder.
If he wants to go he should go. Easy way to build resentment.
Having a baby is super stressful at times not a huge amount of fun.

Shoppingwithmother · 16/07/2018 16:33

You may find that you want to go yourself and show off the baby! I’ve had 2 sections, 1st one emergency, 2nd elective. In hospital for 2 nights each time. I was fine both times. After first child born when the midwife came to visit on the first day out of hospital I got told off by them because I was out shopping! With the second section DH had to go to work for the afternoon on my first full day out of hospital so it was just me with the baby and a nearly 3 yr old. I was absolutely fine.

I would def have been happy to go to a party 7-10 days after birth, and you may be too. I don’t think it is unreasonable for your DH to go out for a few hours if you don’t want to go though, as long as you are feeling ok - just play it by ear.

Presumably at 10 days after birth he will only be at home with you for a couple more days and then will be back at work - so you will need to get used to being alone with the baby anyway (obv I could be wrong about your situation so sorry if that’s not the case!)

ladymariner · 16/07/2018 16:34

kitty less of the Typical bloke crap....you might have got a dud but mine is bloody brilliant, don't compare!

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 16:34

(I would echo what others said though about playing it by ear and seeing how you feel at the time, and maybe inviting a friend or family member to come over and keep you company if you don't want to be on your own.)

Lunde · 16/07/2018 16:34

Wow some very unsupportive pps out there. People seem to be projecting their feelings after a normal pregnancy and straight forward delivery - but this is not what OP is facing.

OP is having a complicated, high risk pregnancy and is understandably anxious about the birth and how she will cope afterwards. I would not be happy about a sulky dp wanting to party rather than help at home. I cannot believe that he wanted you to host a World Cup party when you were so ill that you required a hospital admission - he needs to give his head a wobble. I was not released from hospital until 7 days post birth after a high risk delivery and even after 7 days it was on the understanding that I was not left alone.

To PP who say "it's just an hour" it's obviously not just an hour - op says that it is an hour's travel each way + the time spent partying (will he even be in a condition to drive home). If he is planning to drink I doubt he will make it home.

Everanewbie · 16/07/2018 16:36

Oh for goodness sakes. Such over reactions. A reasonable man would be willing to drop it if she wasn't feeling well. A reasonable woman would have no issue if she wasn't feeling too bad, the baby was ok, and he wasn't too long or too drunk. Tell him to outline to the hosts that it'll be soon after your c-section, you don't think you'll make it. DH will try but we'll have to see how it goes. No need for all this drama and grandiose statements about how awful he his, or how controlling OP is.

Yes you and the baby is priority 1, but that doesn't mean the world stops turning, and he must keep up a continuous bedside vigil.

Amanduh · 16/07/2018 16:36

Sorry but him popping out for a couple of hours 10 days post birth doesn’t sound like a problem. Yabu

tenterden · 16/07/2018 16:36

I can't see the problem myself. However, as PP have said, much depends on when you actually have the baby and how you feel in yourself afterwards.

If it's ten days later, what's the problem?

My only proviso would be that if he has form for being a crashing drunken bore, I would want him to sleep over/at a friends rather than coming home and ruining my night.