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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naked DH/neighbour complaint

230 replies

How2Support · 16/07/2018 13:50

So - DH spent overnight yesterday alone. (Me and DC away for night). It is very warm where we are and he has no inhibitions about being naked. He spent most of the day either naked or in shorts, had a couple of showers to cool himself off. Slept with windows and curtains open.

A neighbour from across the road has just approached me to say that DH was 'deliberately' walking around naked. I said I wan't surprised he was naked and was she sure it was 'deliberate' (I thought she meant making eye contact with her/touching himself for e.g. but didn't ask for details - I was thrown by the approach). She thought it was deliberate/exhibitionist (can't remember wording). I said I would speak to him.

I asked DH if anything happened. He was confused, insisted he didn't do anything inappropriate and he was just hot and was enjoying the freedom to wander around "free and easy" . He is really upset and embarrassed. I think he was daft to wander around naked at front with curtains open (we have full height floor to ceiling windows) but don't believe he did anything sinister.

AIBU to think he should apologise to neighbour?

Or should he just quietly suffer in his own embarrassment (and draw the fucking curtains next time).

For wider context I have quite bad anxiety (on medication and awaiting CBT for it) so have difficulty gauging when something is a big deal or it is my thoughts spinning out of control (I was upset when I spoke to him and am finding it really difficult that the neighbours are thinking DH is a creep the minute me and DC are away). DH has been struggling with depression over the last couple of years and is very introverted.

OP posts:
placemats · 16/07/2018 15:59

Bodies are my thing. I love them. All shapes and sizes.

But when you've seen hanging testicles on a nude bike ride, yes one either side, with a chipolata on top you think, mate put it away.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/07/2018 16:01

Look, my house is like an oven, but I still manage to put my pants on. Because I live in a house with windows, in a street full of people, and it is not normal to display genitalia to strangers. If you have full length windows he might as well be fluting around naked in the front yard.

Also I hope you have flash wiped the chair seats and washed the sofa cover.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 16:07

I think the op has right for concern, she was under the impression the neighbour was saying he either made eye contact or was touching himself. She was definite that this was deliberate/exhibionist.

He also apparently slept named with his curtains open and spent the whole day naked. Clearly he doesn't sleep with the curtains open when the op is there, as she has articulated surprise at it.

The op didn't ask for detail, just that's the impression she got from what the neighbour was saying, that they made eye contact or he was touching himself.

I think I'd have wanted to know if it had happened before when I wasn't there and exactly why the neighbour thought it was deliberate and he was being exhibitionist. There could very well be something much more sinister here the neighbour was alerting her to than simply exposing your genitalia to your neighbours deliberately.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/07/2018 16:08

He should either have put shorts on or closed the curtains. You don't just stride around naked, in front of full length windows, when your house is overlooked!. Doing so shows enough disregard for the neighbours' sensibilities to count as 'deliberate' exposure, to me

Exactly.

I wonder how many women do what the OPs DH did?

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 16:11

Walking around naked is different to 'exposing' yourself. If you don't understand the difference refer to the CPS guidance that has been posted.

You should not inflict your hangups about nakedness on someone else who is in their own home.

Mimsy123 · 16/07/2018 16:13

SirGawain

He’s entitled to do what he wants in the privacy of his own home, but not to inflict it on everyone else. He was lucky that no one called the police!.

Why is he lucky? The police wouldn’t do a thing about it if there’s nothing sexual going on. He could be naked in the garden and it’s the same thing with regards to the police. A lot of people really don’t understand the law.

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 16:15

He is not 'inflicting' on anyone. If he was outside he would be inflicting, if he was standing wanking at the window he would be inflicting, if he is walking around naked in his own home he is doing nothing wrong.

You might not like it, you might not do it, you might not agree with it, but he is doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law.

Look away or better still don't look in other people's houses if you don't like what you might see.

tillytillytilly2018 · 16/07/2018 16:16

God why do people have such a problem with being naked. I wander around my house naked. It’s usually for convenience (I’m getting my dry clothes from the utility room) or because I’m hot. Not because I get off on it ffs.

LanguidLobster · 16/07/2018 16:16

The woman might have had a bad experience in the past and felt threatened by it. You just don't know.

As long as he draws the curtains in the future he can wander around as free as a daisy.

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 16:19

She might feel threatened. I've got a knife in my house if someone feels threatened by it should I get rid of it?

He is doing nothing wrong in his own house. That's it.

LanguidLobster · 16/07/2018 16:25

It would be a completely alien idea to me to inflict my nakedness upon anyone! I do wander around in my underwear after a shower whilst drying off and getting dressed but out of my bedroom window the opposite windows are 40 metres away, don't think anyone can see.

Anyway everyone has knives in their homes for chopping. I wouldn't brandish one at anyone.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/07/2018 16:27

It's about intent mousse and there isn't enough information in the OP to rule out that it wasn't deliberate exposure intended to cause distress. Or are you trying to imply anyone can be naked in full view of the public but as long as they are behind a window then it isn't a crime? Hmm

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 16:30

If this was deliberately exposing his genitalia to the neighbours, which I don't think it can be argued he wasn't given the context the op has provided, then the police would tell him to cover up or close this curtains on first report.

If the behaviour continued, when he knew, then he would indeed be charged. The fact someone is behind a glass panel in their own home does not mean they can repeatedly expose their genitalia to anyone looking. I'm beyond shocked anyone would think it did..

And again, I ask. How many people defending this mans right to expose his genitals publicly, expose their own or have their spouses do iT?

BrownTurkey · 16/07/2018 16:32

What strikes me is that none of this is your responsibility - you have politely passed on your neighbours concerns to your OH who is a grown man in his own house and it is up to him what he does in response to that feedback. Should someone say something again, or if you are unhappy with the way his approach is impacting on you, then you could/should do or say something. Otherwise, you can relax.

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 16:35

My thanks to DarlingNikita* for this:

Guidance from the Crown Prosecution Service: "In the absence of any sexual context and in relation to nudity where the person has no intention to cause alarm or distress it will normally be appropriate to take no action unless members of the public were actually caused harassment, alarm or distress (as opposed to considering the likelihood of this)

If there was no sexual context he is doing nothing wrong.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/07/2018 16:38

But you're ignoring the rest of the CPS guidance Mousse which clearly relates to whether or not the person 'has the intention to cause alarm or distress'
Why are you doing that? Why are you trying to normalise men displaying their genitals in a way that causes distress to members of the public/their neighbours?

HollowTalk · 16/07/2018 16:39

What I don't understand is this - I know it's been hot, so anyone who is naked is sweaty. Surely you wouldn't want a sweaty bum on your furniture! And surely you wouldn't want to sit on eg a wooden or leather seat if you were naked, would you? It wouldn't be as comfortable as wearing shorts.

NotTakenUsername · 16/07/2018 16:41

Why are you doing that? Why are you trying to normalise men displaying their genitals in a way that causes distress to members of the public/their neighbours?

Why are you suggesting that the mere sight of a mans genitals would cause distress to anyone! Confused. The op neighbour never claimed to be distressed.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 16:42

Why are you trying to normalise men displaying their genitals in a way that causes distress to members of the public/their neighbours

This. And clearly the poster has no idea if it was sexual, deliberately exposing your genitalia often does. Yet she strives to say its normal and the female neighbour is some how in the wrong.

It seems no matter how abhorrent a mans behaviour there is always a woman who will defend it and blame the woman who was the victim.

LanguidLobster · 16/07/2018 16:43

Neighbour did indicate she was unhappy - hopefully the situation won't arise again as she's spoken to OP

chillpizza · 16/07/2018 16:44

For a neighbour to make an effort to tell you and say about exhibitionist but you didn’t want to hear anymore details. I’d say she saw more than a man walk by a window to go sit down or whatever.

I’ve seen a few naked people though windows but they where getting on with their life normally of an evening when sat in my garden. A light pops on it itstantly catches you eye. You see it you look away job done.

He was naked all day doing whatever by a full length window. At no point did it enter his mind that oh maybe people can see me I will close the curtains which is actually cooling by stopping the light to the extent he surprisingly to you slept with the bedroom curtains open too.

LakieLady · 16/07/2018 16:46

I'm a bit shocked by the outrage at nudity, tbh. I'm wondering when we all got so uptight about it.

If he was deliberately standing in full view of the window with the intention of shocking people with his nakedness, then that's weird and not on. If he was naked while going from one room to another, and the neighbour happened to catch a glimpse as he passed the window, then that's fine.

I often pop downstairs and through living room in the nuddy, to pour another cup of tea or something, and if anyone gets a fleeting sight of my lardiness, I'm not bothered in the slightest. And I'd sit on the sofa naked if it wasn't covered in dog hair.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/07/2018 16:46

The neighbour was upset enough to mention it to the OP.
In relation to OP's DH, I don't know his intent. But neither does Mousse.
My point to Mousse was about the deliberate misreading of the CPS guidance in general. Being behind a window in your own home, doesn't mean that your intentions are benign.

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 16:49

If it was for the OP's DH's sexual gratification it was wrong and illegal.

If he was simply walking around the house naked he was doing nothing wrong. Simply being naked does mean sexual activity.

This isn't simply about men, I and many other, presumably female posters, have said we walk around naked. Nudity is not in and of itself sexual.

theOtherPamAyres · 16/07/2018 16:56

Well done to the woman who called your husband out.

Trust your own instincts about the bedroom window incident.

It's very difficult to see into people's bedrooms unless they are standing at the window and back-lit.

She felt it was deliberate and I'm inclined to believe her.