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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Naked DH/neighbour complaint

230 replies

How2Support · 16/07/2018 13:50

So - DH spent overnight yesterday alone. (Me and DC away for night). It is very warm where we are and he has no inhibitions about being naked. He spent most of the day either naked or in shorts, had a couple of showers to cool himself off. Slept with windows and curtains open.

A neighbour from across the road has just approached me to say that DH was 'deliberately' walking around naked. I said I wan't surprised he was naked and was she sure it was 'deliberate' (I thought she meant making eye contact with her/touching himself for e.g. but didn't ask for details - I was thrown by the approach). She thought it was deliberate/exhibitionist (can't remember wording). I said I would speak to him.

I asked DH if anything happened. He was confused, insisted he didn't do anything inappropriate and he was just hot and was enjoying the freedom to wander around "free and easy" . He is really upset and embarrassed. I think he was daft to wander around naked at front with curtains open (we have full height floor to ceiling windows) but don't believe he did anything sinister.

AIBU to think he should apologise to neighbour?

Or should he just quietly suffer in his own embarrassment (and draw the fucking curtains next time).

For wider context I have quite bad anxiety (on medication and awaiting CBT for it) so have difficulty gauging when something is a big deal or it is my thoughts spinning out of control (I was upset when I spoke to him and am finding it really difficult that the neighbours are thinking DH is a creep the minute me and DC are away). DH has been struggling with depression over the last couple of years and is very introverted.

OP posts:
DonkeySkin · 16/07/2018 15:05

If you've floor to ceiling windows, there is no way yout husband is so oblivious he didn't know people could see him, as such he was deliberately exposing himself. Unless he has significant additional needs and learning difficulties he knew.

And yes. Likely others saw him, but let's be honest, that's what he wanted.

Yep.

Often there are threads on Mumsnet where a poster will described some obviously creepy/boundary pushing sexual behaviour from their DH/DP, and always both the OP and and other posters will bend over backwards to excuse it as the poor man just being clueless.

Nope. Men know what they are doing when they deliberately expose themselves to women and children. Or when they keep 'accidentally' bursting into their teenage daughters' rooms when they know DD has just got out of the shower or is likely to be changing (as per a similarly grim thread last year).

And they rely on the 'clueless male' trope to give them plausible deniability.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 15:07

The guy was hot and he didn't feel like putting clothes on. End of

End of, my arse. He's got floor to ceiling windows, he knows his neighbours can see him. You can't seriously believe that he was just so hot he couldn't tolerate clothes so had to get naked in front of his big window.

Was it sexual, I haven't went there, but I have said it was exhibitionist and he knew they could see him. Weekend. Everyone at home. Floor to ceiling windows.

The neighbour said she thought it was deliberate, that he knew he could be seen, wnd based on what the op has posted, I'd agree with her.

4littlebirds · 16/07/2018 15:09

Again don’t get the outrage over a naked body.
Don’t see the harm in a child seeing one either, as long as he isn’t doing anything sexual.
I doubt it would even register with a very young child, older one would probably laugh and exactly what harm is going to come of them seeing one anyway.

halfwitpicker · 16/07/2018 15:10

Can't do a diagram (sorry!)

^
Grin

LanguidLobster · 16/07/2018 15:11

I wouldn't like that - even if it's completely innocent it's open to misinterpretation.

Kingkiller · 16/07/2018 15:14

I don't understand why some posters don't see the contradiction in the idea of a man waiting for his wife and children to be out of the house so he can be 'free and easy' Hmm but thinking it's fine to leave the curtains open for everybody else's wives and children to see him naked.

Storm4star · 16/07/2018 15:14

Ultimately I think maybe we should just accept that some people wouldn't mind, some would. As is very clear from the responses to this thread. The people who don't mind it, ok fair enough, but you can't tell the one's that do mind that they're "wrong". Everyone's feelings are valid whatever they are. I'm on the side of not wanting to see it and ok I wouldn't complain about a quick glimpse caught in passing, but I actually like sitting by my window reading or doing a puzzle etc (fully clothed, lol) and yes I do look outside a lot, so I would also complain if it went on all day long right in my line of sight. He could have had pants on at least. In that scenario why should I have to move or close my curtains? Anyway, the neighbour didn't like it and she's within her rights to feel that way. Whether people here would or wouldn't mind doesn't change the situation.

HollowTalk · 16/07/2018 15:16

@NotTakenUsername Have you ever heard of the expression "victim blaming"?

HollowTalk · 16/07/2018 15:17

This has had opposite answers to another recent thread where the OP could see a neighbour walking around naked and everyone told her to call the police.

tillytrotter1 · 16/07/2018 15:19

Why did she approach you and not him? She does know your his wife and not his Nanny or Mummy? I find it odd that people make comments to the woman/mother, whoever their complaint might be against. Learn the words Why are you telling me?

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 15:19

I don't understand why some posters don't see the contradiction in the idea of a man waiting for his wife and children to be out of the house so he can be 'free and easy' hmm but thinking it's fine to leave the curtains open for everybody else's wives and children to see him naked

This is very valid.

In the U.K., public exposure of your genitals is an offence, and arguably standing in front of a large window exposing your genitals where your neighbours can easily see is an offence, the police would not tell you to crack on if it was reported. They would tell you to cover up or shut your curtains. And if the behaviour continued you would be charged for indecent exposure.

tillytrotter1 · 16/07/2018 15:21

The neighbour said she thought it was deliberate, that he knew he could be seen, wnd based on what the op has posted, I'd agree with her.
Whatever his motives, any complaints should be directed at him, not his wife, it's none of her business.

FuckPants · 16/07/2018 15:21

This has had opposite answers to another recent thread where the OP could see a neighbour walking around naked and everyone told her to call the police.

Because he was wanking.

freshstart24 · 16/07/2018 15:22

I honestly think it's no big deal as long as he wasn't putting on a show in front of the windows.

I often wonder about naked or partially clothed, usually blinds are closed but I'll happily dash from one room to the next, down the stairs (glazed front door), or to the back of the house (not overlooked) naked. I really can't be doing with feeling I have to cover my body in case someone sees me fgs.

Failingat40 · 16/07/2018 15:22

I think you need to speak more to the neighbours. People generally avoid making a fuss or complaining for the sake of it so I'd be a bit concerned by her raising it in itself.

If he's home alone how many times was he visible at the window? Did she feel it was deliberate? I think a fleeting glance would be accidental carelessness but I get the feeling that there's probably more to this.

If you're in the UK there's no way this is normal or acceptable to be naked in full view of the public. It's one thing to be naked in your home if you can only be seen by someone approaching and peering through your windows but it's entirely another to walk in front of floor to ceiling windows where you can be easily seen. People have had a police response for this and it can be seen as inappropriate sexual behaviour.

On the other hand as well I think it's unhygienic to be naked round the house, why can't he just wear cotton boxer shorts? Confused

Moussemoose · 16/07/2018 15:22

You're all mad. It's his house. Don't look.

Exposing yourself is standing at the window wanking, walking round while you happen to be naked is something entirely different.

I am perfectly capable of never looking in other people's houses, I'm amazed how many of you can't help but look and the take a second glance to make quite sure it is a penis you are being offended by.

Huskylover1 · 16/07/2018 15:23

f you've floor to ceiling windows, there is no way your husband is so oblivious he didn't know people could see him, as such he was deliberately exposing himself. Unless he has significant additional needs and learning difficulties he knew

And yes. Likely others saw him, but let's be honest, that's what he wanted

I completely agree with Bluntness Your "D"H knows he has floor to ceiling windows. He made a conscious decision to remove his shorts, and his boxers, and stand close enough to the window, so that passers by, or neighbours, would see his cock & balls. He sounds like an absolute creep.

Again don’t get the outrage over a naked body
Don’t see the harm in a child seeing one either, as long as he isn’t doing anything sexual

So, you'd be fine with a flasher then, so long as he flashed only, without touching himself. It's only a naked body, right?

And for all the posters saying, you can do what you want in your own home....where do you draw the line? What if he decides to wank onto the windows? It's his own home right, so that's just fine

I would be fucking mortified if my DH did this. It's beyond creepy.

MadRainbow · 16/07/2018 15:23

Does said Lady happen to have a 13 year old DD by any chance?

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 15:23

Whatever his motives, any complaints should be directed at him, not his wife, it's none of her business

Well I think if her husband is exposing his genitalia to the neighbours it is her business. And quite frankly if my neighbour was doing that I wouldn't approach him, I'd either approach the wife or call the police if I thought it was deliberate as the neighbour did.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2018 15:25

So, you'd be fine with a flasher then, so long as he flashed only, without touching himself. It's only a naked body, right?

Apparently if he stood in front of his window and flashed she'd be all good with it.

Fortunately for us the police feel differently.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/07/2018 15:25

tilly of course the neighbour isn't going to approach a man who deliberately spent a day wandering about naked in front of floor to ceiling windows. She's telling OP not just so OP can have a word with her DH about his inappropriate behaviour but so OP knows she has a DH who behaves inappropriately.
As PPs have said, the clueless man trope is wearing thin. It's not ok to expose your genitals. It's not everyone else's responsibility to walk around with their eyes closed because OP's DH didn't want to put on clothes or pull the curtains.

DarlingNikita · 16/07/2018 15:26

Those frothing about the police etc, someone posted this earlier:
Guidance from the Crown Prosecution Service: "In the absence of any sexual context and in relation to nudity where the person has no intention to cause alarm or distress it will normally be appropriate to take no action unless members of the public were actually caused harassment, alarm or distress (as opposed to considering the likelihood of this)."

I'd say the key phrases are 'actually caused harassment, alarm or distress' (how do you prove this, especially when just on this one thread the responses range so greatly?) and 'In the absence of any sexual context', which seems to be the case here.

DarlingNikita · 16/07/2018 15:27

I am perfectly capable of never looking in other people's houses, I'm amazed how many of you can't help but look and the take a second glance to make quite sure it is a penis you are being offended by.
Grin Yes this, exactly. Perfectly put.

longwayoff · 16/07/2018 15:30

Bad manners at best. Pervy weirdness at worst. Buy some blinds. Use them.

JessicaJonesJacket · 16/07/2018 15:30

The police are quite good at determining whether the perpetrator intended alarm or distress. And if OP's neighbours (because let's be honest more than one will have seen what her DH did even though only one has approached her) called the police then they would determine his motivation. Saying 'I forgot to put on clothes and that people could see me through my floor to ceiling windows' might not cut it with the police.