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Original poster

To think most men past the age of 30 suffer from ED?

167 replies

NCLady · 16/07/2018 11:01

Hi all, I NCed for this as it is a bit of an embarrassing topic, but I am a regular poster.

I'll go straight to the point: is it just me being incredibly unlucky, or is ED really really frequent in men over the age of 30?

I am 29 and until a couple of years ago I never slept with a man who had issues with getting it up/ keeping it up/ finishing. I pretty much took it for granted! But in the last few years I dated 4 different men around the age of 30/35 and all of them had some sort of ED issues!

Mostly they could never finish, which I am sure must be really frustrating for a man. Manual or oral stimulation didn't fix the problem either.

I stopped dating all 4 of them partially because of this issue, because it felt like our sexual life wasn't working (on top of other things I was not happy with). None of these flings made it to a proper relationship level, so I never felt like we had the intimacy and trust to talk about the problem openly. With two of them I tried to approach the subject very tactfully, I mostly got defensive reactions and random excuses, so I just dropped it.

Now I started going out with lovely New Guy a few weeks ago, all was well, great attraction and chemistry, awesome compatibility, we went back to his and... SAME PROBLEM! At this stage we slept together 5 times, and he did not manage to finish once. I think I can safely assume there is a regular issue there, and it wasn't a one-off. I feel so disheartened.

Is it me being incredibly unlucky or do I just have to accept that most men past the age of 30 have these issues? Confused

OP posts:
AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 16/07/2018 12:22

Maybe coincidence but an ex of mine couldn’t ejaculate during sex and after he began suggesting a variety of stuff/positions etc it transpired he had a huge porn addiction and only came when watching it.

Trinity66 · 16/07/2018 12:22

DH is mid 40's and no issues in that department

Turmericky · 16/07/2018 12:25

DH is 51 and we've been having sex (together) for 35 years. Never known him to have any problem.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 16/07/2018 12:26

Maybe it's porn and masturbating for some men, but it's certainly not an issue for DH. He wanks a lot but still doesn't have an issue.

I don't think it's the wanking as such, but using porn while doing

I don't think wanking or using porn are going to cause an issue if you are also having regular sex. The issues occur if you are only masturbating for long periods, then the sensations of sex are so different. Coupled with natural anxiety when it's been a long time, and pressure to impress.

MinaPaws · 16/07/2018 12:27

I dated several men over 30 before meeting DH, who was 34 when we met. Neither he nor any of the previous men had ED. It's not necessarily common.

chrysalis7 · 16/07/2018 12:32

I'd say it's very unusual for a man only in his mid 30's to have ED. 45+ yes, but not mid 30's. I think many men over 45-50 have ED. It is more likely if a man is fat/obese.

kaytee87 · 16/07/2018 12:40

My DH has no issues (33), however we've been together since I was 23 and he was 25 so I've not slept with many (any possibly) other men over 30 so I don't know if it's normal.

I would say that some men might have issues with alcohol, porn and drugs which could cause them issues.

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 12:52

I think it could be using all/too much sexual energy elsewhere too, ie porn again. That sounds like an adult Abba tribute band name, doesn't it?

FeeEngel · 16/07/2018 12:55

My husband was over 40 when I met him and 49 when he died, he never had any difficulties. Toyboy is 53, everything in full, working order.

candlefloozy · 16/07/2018 13:03

My hubby is 35 and I've got to say when we were late 20s he had a few issues but that was down to some MH. He's been fine in his 30s!

thefirstmrsdewinter · 16/07/2018 13:19

Classic SSRI side effects. Op, if the relationships are new-ish or undefined they might not be inclined to invest by telling you they're taking ADs. I mean I think most men would have sex before they'd tell you about their mental health issues.

RainbowLaces · 16/07/2018 13:23

My first proper relationship ended when I I was 23 because his ED issues made me feel undesirable and left me without any self-worth in bed. He couldn't get it/keep it up unless it was degrading and disgusting sexual activities. After breaking up I had trauma counselling because his porn and masturbation addiction left him unable to have normal sex. It was all about watching excessive hardcore porn from a young age on. The only way he could have sex was re-enacting dirty porn, but made me feel like I was the issue for not being pornstar enough...

He refused to get help. He tries to go without but porn addiction is a real thing! And it does terrible harm to the woman who has to suffer from the outcome.

Rant over.

Namechange128 · 16/07/2018 13:29

Could any of them have been on antidepressants? It's a relatively common side effect of these in men.

BettyDuMonde · 16/07/2018 13:36

Rainbowlaces Flowers

You are not alone in this experience. I’m glad you sought counselling. The women that get caught up in this kind of sexual relationship often feel like they are to blame, that they aren’t (insert whatever) enough.

But it really is a case of ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’.

We can’t fix other people’s problems, whatever they may be.

QuinionsRainbow · 16/07/2018 13:48

DH is on the "wrong side" of 50 and doesn't have any problems!

MajesticWhine · 16/07/2018 13:53

The only guy I knew who had this issue was on antidepressants.

RainbowLaces · 16/07/2018 13:57

BettyDuMonde

Thanks for your empathy!
I'm still beating myself up for trying to help him for way too long before putting myself first. It's been years, but the mental wounds haven't really healed yet.

I hope that porn and masturbation addiction will be taken more serious in young men. It won't get better without massive effort and they might end up 30+ with the same issue Wink

sendthecoffee · 16/07/2018 14:09

My 37 year old husband has no issues. He also does watch a fair bit of porn.

BettyDuMonde · 16/07/2018 14:09

Rainbowlaces I’ve been there too! It didn’t impact me as much as you because it wasn’t my first long term relationship (wasn’t even my first husband Grin) but it was a big enough deal to end our relationship.

We had some couples counselling, both together and seperate and I know he is trying to fix himself for the sake of his own future happiness, but he wouldn’t have if I hadn’t left him.

It’s terribly sad because the people it’s likely to get a hold of are the ones who are already vulnerable re: forming intimate relationships. In my exes case it was because he didn’t really trust women and thus coudn’t be properly intimate - likely because his mum had left him and gone to live on the other side of the world while he was still a teenager.

I sympathised, but I couldn’t fix him and trying to was breaking me as well.

Women deserve to be happy and sexually fulfilled - the universe has better in store for you!

GinghamStyle · 17/07/2018 04:48

@callmeadoctor - sorry I meant death grip!

user56 · 17/07/2018 05:12

I agree with PPs re: porn. Also because these are all new relationships, perhaps before both parties are comfortable with saying 'oh that's nice' or 'try like this'. they're not quite at the intimacy they need to finish ?

LuMarie · 17/07/2018 05:28

Hmm, no. Really, no.

Possible anti-depressants that they don't want to talk about taking? That would be my guess if I experienced this with someone.

40's is absolutely fine too, into 50's from what I'm told.

Downeyhouse · 17/07/2018 05:58

Dh is 55. Very fit and healthy and he has NEVER had a single problem in that area. I feel blessed and long may it last.

I also think it is unusual for so many relatively young men to have such issues.

BrandNewHouse · 17/07/2018 06:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

endchauvinism · 17/07/2018 06:45

I've also had this problem with recent men over 30 as well. It was a repeated problem with my ex-husband throughout our 3 year long marriage. He was addicted to porn and also took meds.

Another guy who'd get ED had a serious alcohol problem. Another got it once in a while and I'm not sure why. He would go limp even though he was the one pestering me for sex so it wasn't lack of attraction to me or anything. My current boyfriend has gotten that way and said it was too hot but I think it might have been nervousness since we just started having sex.

A lot of things can cause it, it seems. I know it can be extremely frustrating, especially if he's the one who initiated sex, but I really wouldn't take it personally.