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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most men past the age of 30 suffer from ED?

167 replies

NCLady · 16/07/2018 11:01

Hi all, I NCed for this as it is a bit of an embarrassing topic, but I am a regular poster.

I'll go straight to the point: is it just me being incredibly unlucky, or is ED really really frequent in men over the age of 30?

I am 29 and until a couple of years ago I never slept with a man who had issues with getting it up/ keeping it up/ finishing. I pretty much took it for granted! But in the last few years I dated 4 different men around the age of 30/35 and all of them had some sort of ED issues!

Mostly they could never finish, which I am sure must be really frustrating for a man. Manual or oral stimulation didn't fix the problem either.

I stopped dating all 4 of them partially because of this issue, because it felt like our sexual life wasn't working (on top of other things I was not happy with). None of these flings made it to a proper relationship level, so I never felt like we had the intimacy and trust to talk about the problem openly. With two of them I tried to approach the subject very tactfully, I mostly got defensive reactions and random excuses, so I just dropped it.

Now I started going out with lovely New Guy a few weeks ago, all was well, great attraction and chemistry, awesome compatibility, we went back to his and... SAME PROBLEM! At this stage we slept together 5 times, and he did not manage to finish once. I think I can safely assume there is a regular issue there, and it wasn't a one-off. I feel so disheartened.

Is it me being incredibly unlucky or do I just have to accept that most men past the age of 30 have these issues?

OP posts:

Wellthisunexpected · 16/07/2018 11:51

Maybe it's porn and masturbating for some men, but it's certainly not an issue for DH. He wanks a lot but still doesn't have an issue.

MerryMarigold · 16/07/2018 11:52

Bettydumonde, I did not read your post, but I wholeheartedly agree.

Iswallowtoothpaste · 16/07/2018 11:52

@BettyDuMonde, there is a real element of truth to this!

The men I’ve been with who’ve struggled to finish are men who haven’t been settled in a long term relationship for a while, computer users etc.

My OH was never computer literate till after he met me. He still has a lot to learn but can manage the basics now. He said that he’d watched porn on VHS with friends when he was younger and that he used to steal his older sister’s Ann Summer’s magazines and have a stealth wank over them as a teenager 😂 but porn is literally on tap nowadays and accessible to anyone who wants to watch it at the click of a button.

A great shame really,

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 11:53

Maybe they'd all had a preparatory wank like in There's Something About Mary OP!

Sittingonaspindryer · 16/07/2018 11:53

45 year old DH never had this problem. I had a lot of casual relationships in my 20s and 30s. Only person I have ever known to be unable to maintain an erection was a 17 year old when I was similar age. It made me feel a bit shit at the time, but I think it was first time nerves on his part. After multiple attempts over a period of time, he ditched me!

CocoFlannel9 · 16/07/2018 11:54

Yup, as others have said it's likely death grip or PIED. The scientific jury is still out I believe, but it makes sense that people become accustomed to the style of pleasuring that they employ - e.g. porn being very visual and death grip desensitising the penis.

We also have much lower testosterone levels (30% or something I think) when compared to our grandfathers' generation. A lot of inexperienced guys in their 30s also might have performance anxiety/self confidence issues.

CluedoAddict · 16/07/2018 11:56

I met my DH in his 30's now been together 22 years. Never had this problem.

3stonedown · 16/07/2018 11:56

36 year old DP never had a problem.

A couple of men when I was late teens/early twenties (they were same age) had this issue. I think due to alcohol, weed and porn.

StormcloakNord · 16/07/2018 11:58

This was an issue for DP. He didn't perform all too well when we first met, but he's wired a bit different. He needs a deep connection/to feel in love with someone before he can perform properly. He was single for a wee while before we met as well so it would have been a combo of that & him masturbating a fair bit. He still has off moments but we all do I suppose!

Took us about 4 months to get properly into the swing of things. It was worth sticking with as now we're a year down the line and about to get married and he's bloody incredible in bed

BettyDuMonde · 16/07/2018 11:58

I worry about younger kids - there is a generation of boys coming up who could access hardcore porn way before they even got a grope one the outside of a thick school jumper.

I reckon the birth rate will fall due to a combination of young men unable to finish and a range of once fairly unusual sexual practises becoming more mainstream, ones that don’t make babies!

It’s sad really, because a proper sexually fulfilling relationship for both partners is a truly wonderful thing. Took me three marriages to find mine and I just wish we had met a little earlier so we had longer together.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/07/2018 11:59

Never have I been so glad to have been young at the time when I was. Post the Pill and largely pre Aids and definitely pre ubiquitous porn.

Why is testosterone falling Coco?

SomeKnobend · 16/07/2018 12:01

Google death grip. They wank too much and grip their penis in a firmer way than a vagina feels. Also/or watch porn every wank so can't get off without significant visual stimulation. It's definitely not all men over 30. You have been very unlucky. It's common, but not that common!

Firesuit · 16/07/2018 12:05

Maybe it's porn and masturbating for some men, but it's certainly not an issue for DH. He wanks a lot but still doesn't have an issue.

I don't think it's the wanking as such, but using porn while doing. I'm guessing that doing it while using porn has trained their brains to need porn as the stimulus.

Ollivander84 · 16/07/2018 12:06

OP - not usual. I'm single and recent men (ages between 28-46) no issues

Wellthisunexpected · 16/07/2018 12:06

Firesuit yep, DH wanks to porn.

Firesuit · 16/07/2018 12:07

Men with problems of any kind that make them unsuitable are more likely to be found in the single dating pool that partnered with someone commenting here...

MouseholeCat · 16/07/2018 12:09

DH is early 30's, uses porn, no ED.

MissCherryCakeyBun · 16/07/2018 12:11

OH is 54 and Diabetic ( both danger zones for ED) but no problem what so ever, we do both watch porn together and neither of us really wank much due to a busy love life
I do agree about the influence of hardcore porn on younger men tho, you can access this type of porn very easily and virtually anywhere you can get 3G, and sadly they do access it....as seen by the recent articles in the news about guys on planes and in coffee shops and the underground watching porn where it can be seen by those that really do to want to see it
A thought occurs to me OP are these guys you are seeing in a boyfriend /girlfriend type relationship or on a more of a life partner type relationship ? Only asking as some guys find commitment a bit tough and as such may cause ED problems

BettyDuMonde · 16/07/2018 12:12

wellthisisunexpected I don’t think porn has the same effect on all men - I think it’s a bit like booze. Plenty of people can have a glass of wine or two in an evening (or a weekend binge) but never get dependent. Others are drinking super strength lager in their dressing gowns.

Similarly some men can use porn and still have fulfilling relationships with actual adult females, for others, it’s equivalent of super strength lager for breakfast, it stops them functioning.

ToftheB · 16/07/2018 12:13

I wonder if it’s sort of ‘first night nerves’ - men in new or short term relationships are more likely to be nervous about sex, and once they get past 30 they can’t rely on youthful exuberance to carry them through... after a few incidents they become more nervous etc etc. Men in long term relationships are more relaxed and confident.

Original poster

NCLady · 16/07/2018 12:14

A thought occurs to me OP are these guys you are seeing in a boyfriend /girlfriend type relationship or on a more of a life partner type relationship ? Only asking as some guys find commitment a bit tough and as such may cause ED problems

MissCherry they were all men I dated for a few months each (ranging from 2 months to 5 months), sometimes in exclusive dating arrangements, sometimes in casual dating arrangements.

OP posts:

cholka · 16/07/2018 12:14

I think you need to try fishing in a different pond, OP. Some dating sites seem to attract a higher percentage of porn-obsessed vain arseholes than others, might have something to do with it.
I should think ED is more likely in a fling type situation where there is generally more pressure and expectation. Not sure if that's any help.

icedgem85 · 16/07/2018 12:15

Nope sorry never encountered this. (OH is 40)

thisisannc · 16/07/2018 12:17

I've only slept with men in their teens/early-twenties (when I was the same age) and then had a long-term relationship with a man in his early-forties, now engaged to a different man in his mid-forties. I can honestly say I've never ever experienced a man unable to get an erection, or to ejaculate.

It wouldn't surprise me at all to find that men of our generation (I'm only a couple of years older than you) who've spent all their adult lives with access to free internet porn might be the ones experiencing these problems the most. I've heard it several times from female friends.

ifeelsoextraordinary · 16/07/2018 12:21

Yup...it’s too much porn.

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