AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

A good friend of mine lost a child during labour. Both sets of parents were at the hospital at the time, she always says that she was thankful for her PILs being there for her DH as he was obviously devastated.
Was she wrong too then

Where has anyone suggested that it’s wrong for women in labour to have their PILs there, IF THEY WANT THEM THERE? The point is they don’t have a right to be there out of some skewed sense of fairness.

@AngelsSins amazing post! I've literally seen it all on mn now!!!

As someone who is 37 weeks pregnant, I'll certainly be making it all about me. Frankly everyone else can bugger off.

Keeping DH happy will be last on the list of priorities and he's in full agreement with this.

I think unfair to let your mom go but no mother inlaw as its both their new grandchild,. either both parents or none in my opinion. We jsut let people nip in they wont stay long. thats my opinion

I can’t believe women are moaning about women not wanting visitors after birth. I had easy births and allowed as many visitors as wanted to come but I can still see how others might not want too.

My mum came she brought food, asked how I was and even went and did some jobs at home etc my mil came to cuddle the baby and give her son a hug. Big difference so if I could only have one you can be dam sure it would be my Mum the one who actually cared about me and being helpful.

Yes the baby is his too but until his on the birth certificate he has no rights to demand anything and since baby stays with Mum in hospital and she is the adult patient she gets to decide who comes and who doesn’t. She’s the one who could possible have 20 stitches from a torn vagina or been stappled back together from a csection. Bleeding with leaky boobs not wanting baby involved in a game of pass the parcel. They don’t change in 24hours.

I honestly don't understand the whole "fairness" thing. Some women feel vulnerable after giving birth, others want to show their babies off to the world.

If you're happy to have everyone there, then great but if not there's absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal about this and she should be able to seek support from those that provide it. Not have to fulfil some batshit tick list to please everyone else.

As we've all witnessed on mn some PIL can be a nightmare!

@greatduckcookery I’m just curious why you felt your husband needed support? You obviously went though lot and if I’d have been your in-laws I’d have never dreamed about turning up while you were in that sort of state unless you (and note you and not your husband had requested the visit). If you were truly happy with that then that’s fine- different things work for different people.

I have no problem making the labour and recovery process about me or any other mother. Not does my husband. I asked him yesterday if he ever wished he could have a baby and he just looked at me and said no way.

There is a lifetime for everyone else to get to know the baby and waiting a few days shouldn’t affect that relationship if the mother needs a bit of time to recover. Forcing yourself on her for a visit before she is ready though is likely to be remembered for years.

I'd had quite a lot of complications during one pregnancy and had been in and out of hospital for monitoring of both me and the baby. I was induced and in labour for 48 hours with the baby in distress and it was touch and go whether I'd need a section. Inlaws brought food and drinks for DH and a change of clothes and SIL came in the delivery suite when DH needed a break. He was really worried and the moral support from his dad and sister were appreciated.

From a very oldie, why do women want their mother there for delivery? I can't imagine anything worse, would certainly not have wanted my mother their for the delivery of either of ours and definitely would have refused point blank had I been asked to be present for the births of my grandchildren! Yukkkk.

Whoops, line 2 should be 'there' not 'their'.

@GreatDuckCookery

Of course there is more too it. But constantly going on and on about her need to see the baby, coming uninvited into hour home, chucking loads of stuff out, being disrespectful and rude and plain nasty and all the time going on and on and on how she must see the baby " because they change so much".

A baby has two parents. One parent is solely relied upon for care by the new born ie the mother. The mothers health, mental health is absolutely paramount. NOthing else matters.

Inlaws brought food and drinks for DH and a change of clothes and SIL came in the delivery suite when DH needed a break. He was really worried and the moral support from his dad and sister were appreciated

So your yet another posters who has supportive fabulous, in laws telling op she is bu? When you have no experience of nasty - or in considerate in laws?

I just understood that DH needed his family there too and didn't feel the need to make the birth of our children all about me

This comment shows you have no idea at all what op is up against or what many of us have been up against.
If you have a son I do hope you ask first and be totally respectful if your dil doesnt want you at the hospital in the moments after she has birthed your grandchild. Oh and ask him not her !

I didn't need to ask. I was invited.

My mum has had two grandkids in week last month : I had DD2 and my brother had his DD2. She said it was a lot worse as a mum sitting back knowing your daughter is giving birth than it being my DB girlfriend. Not that she doesn’t like my DB OH but it was just for her that I’m her baby IYSWIM.

She came straight into the hospital when I asked for her to take my DD in to meet her sibling, whereas with my brothers GF, she waited until the next morning and was asked.

Main thing is no one should assume they can come in straight away unless asked.

I don't get the race to see the baby. I like visiting after about two weeks when the parents are properly sleep-deprived and happy to hand over the baby so they can do something else for a while. It's the best time to cuddle the baby for more than a two minutes.

I waited until DIL invited us to visit and then we stopped in a hotel nearby to give them some space as they live in a small flat. DIL's parents were staying in the flat with them as they'd travelled from overseas. I really don't understand the desperation to visit the instant the baby is born.
MIL's should be thinking about how best to support the new family not about satisfying their own needs. It's ridiculous and pretty selfish and DIL needs space to recover from the birth.
My DIL is lovely and we've definitely grown closer over the years.

Personally I would usually expect both the baby's sets of Grandparents to be treated equally.

I do realise (only from reading MN though) that in the real world there are some right idiots out there.
OK, put them off by a day or so if necessary, but not for much longer than your own parents.

Not unreasonable at all ! Have it your way I don’t think it’s unfair that you will have your own mother etc but not others it’s your experience and everybody can see the baby soon enough. I had a lot of visitors come to the hospital hours after I gave birth and I hated it , whilst I was being stitched my partners Dad was actually knocking on the door if I ever have another baby I would have a very strict don’t visit until you are invited rule

Definitely right. It’s your important time. You only need people round you that are important to you. If people get huffy and sulk, more about their feelings, shows you would be right.

I was going to say YABU, However, after your MIL behaviour last time I would definitely put her off until you feel more comfortable. Your baby, your rules my dear 👍 xx

New mums need rest and to establish a relationship with new baby and feed which ever way they want ..I was a midwife but chucked out my brother in law and now ex wife as I had my mother staying supposedly to. Give me help but she was awful so I sent her home .My MIL just wanted me to bottle feed and no help at all she just wanted to be a granny for the name

Not RTFT but argh the entitlement annoys me! Giving birth, however it happens, is an exhausting amd emotional experience. None of us are looking or feeling our best in the days after giving birth and it is totally normal for the woman to just want her own mum in that situation! PIL may 'want to see the baby on its first day of life' but they don't get to choose. Just because their son has become a parent doesn't make this an experience that they have any ownership of or rights in. It's the woman who has just given birth and it's up to her who comes in to see her. DPs should totally support this. There will be time enough for GPs to see the baby when everyone is home. If she wants PILs there, then fine, but she doesn't just become redundant or invisible and her wants and needs in that situation don't suddenly disappear into irrelevance just because there is now a new baby.

@whereismymind 100% spot on

I have to say, as the mother of several boys, I find this a bit depressing. I personally would be a bit upset that the other gran got to meet the baby and I couldn't but as someone who's gone through it, I understand why.

Having said that, my MIL met my first son within 3 hours of him arriving, and she bought me the biggest and best sandwich I'd ever eaten in my entire life. I'll never forget that precious moment (not her meeting her grandson, the sandwich. It was all about the sandwich).

Deffo not! I told my mum I didn't want visitors in the hospital this time around and her my aunts and my Granny all took a huff at me as if I was being unreasonable.

I was left so traumatised by my last birth I had panic attacks every time I fell asleep for weeks, I could barely string a sentence together in company and my living room was tiny.

Not due this one until October but I'm thinking of keeping the birth a secret until I'm ready for visitors this time 😂