AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

My MIL was definitely one who overstayed. Both mums came to visiting on the first day, I’d just come out of my first shower and was feeling totally drained, walked right past MIL and hung on DM more than hugged her I could tell MIL wasn’t happy but really didn’t care. My DM went home at the end of that night but MIL insisted on staying both nights I was in hospital and coming to both visiting sessions the second day, including when a very close friend was coming and I just wanted a nice chat.
My dad and sis came to the house shortly after I got home and I remember being so worried that MIL wouldn’t leave and would dominate their visit.
The irony is she has talked about the fact that when she had DH she wouldn’t let anyone but her mother and sisters visit for the week she was in hospital. She does not see the irony!

Absolutely fine if your mother doesn’t go to the hospital either. Totally unacceptable if you allow your mother but not your partners parents.

Tell them they can come for 15 minutes only. Get the hospital on board so they can chuck them out if necessary.

Always amazed to read about these famines who push in at times of privacy. People should wait to be asked to visit either by you or by your partner ( who should be passing on your wishes). If you think they will try to force themselves in then come up with a medical excuse. Hope everything goes really well for you

It’s a very personal thing and your mother in law is being demanding. Tell them to visit next day x

@Londonerlove absolute rubbish. The person who has just gone through the experience of giving birth may justifiably want her mum there to offer support through HER experience! The fact that she also gets to meet the new baby is am added extra, NOT the reason for the visit. I think often, mums come primarily to support their DDs. MILs come primarily to see the baby! If the mum doesn't feel comfortable with her PIL seeing her in those vulnerable few days after giving birth, why should she then be deprived of the support of her own mum?!? Absolute codswallop.

MIL ended up staying hours telling me how to do stuff, why I shouldn't breastfeed etc etc

MIL wasn't best please about this pregnancy and has showed no interest in new baby as of yet. Still hasnt congratualed myself or ever asked how I am. Always avoids talking about it.

she was against the first pregnancy too as she felt she was too young to be a grandparent

eceeything is on her terms, DD comes second (which is fine) but she also expects myself and DP to drop everything at last minute for her.

if MIL is due to come round (she lives 10 mins away) and DD is napping she would expect me to wake DD up so she could see her.

All excellent reasons to tell her no fucking way.

Although you don't need a reason anyway. It's up to you. Make sure your DH is on board with that.

I was incredibly unwel after labour. Birth was horrific and I had a bad reaction to the drugs, I had to ring my mum to come and support me in the hosp as DP had been awake nearly 48 hours.

DPs family constantly pestered us, despite knowing how ill I was - needed help to use the toilet/clean myself etc, was on drips and emotionally battered from a scary/invasive birth.

I’m still so angry at them and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over how selfish they were!

I had nobody come to see us till I’d been home a day. To my knowledge nobody was upset by this. I didn’t want any visitors at the hospital. Hospitals in my opinion are horrible places, and I knew I wouldn’t want to make polite conversation just after squeezing a child out of my foof.

OP tell everyone you don’t want there to stay away . If they are offended they’ll have to just deal with it.

@mots but we already know that is not the case as she had PIL there after the birth of her first child. I would find it totally unfair to invite my own mother but not the mother of my partner. I would be devastated if my daughter in law invited her mother but not me, thankfully I have at least 20+ years before that happens. People could argue that the partner can support her. Why not allow mother to support but tell PIL to come for a short stay. It’s unfair that one grandparent gets priority over the other.

Why 'foof'? (Misses point.)

London if your dil doesn't invite you maybe as yourself why.

@mrsaiden totally misses the point. In fact I don’t even know what you’re on about. I clearly mentioned all my children are very young, so won’t be in that situation for at least 20+ years. But I gave birth to all 3 I made it very clear that my parents and my partners parents were both welcome after the birth.

@londoner you're missing the point. Why would you be devastated that your DIL might just want her mum when she is feeling at her most vulnerable? People can argue that she should have her DP for support all they like - it's not up to them. It's not about priority - grandparents don't have rights or entitlements in this situation. It's about the DIL/mum not suddenly becoming part of the furniture, whose feelings don't matter, because she has had a baby. If you're seriously suggesting that she shouldn't have the support of her own mum if she wants it just because she doesn't feel up to the PIL coming in the first day or two, then I hope none of my DDs end up with you as a MIL!

It’s totally up to you. Like others have said your Mum’s coming for you as well as to see the baby. I’m due soon also and although it’s my first I should imagine most births leave you wanting your Mum!! All being well they’ll have you out of the door in under 24 hrs so not really much time for visitors anyway.

I’m having a Planned C Section and we’ve said only my DM and DP until the following day once my catheter is out and pain sorted. Don’t know how MIL and FIL feel but I’m not dwelling on it as I’m doing what’s right for me, as you should. xx

"I would find it totally unfair to invite my own mother but not the mother of my partner."

A woman giving birth will normally have known her own mother all her life, but her partner's mother only since meeting her partner! Her mother is the person who gave birth to her - this is a very different relationship to that with her partner's mother. Also, if it's about support for the partner, then usually the partner can go to their mother while the new mum is getting over the birth in hospital or at home.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone thinks they have a right to visit a new mum whether they like it or not. It should be mum's say-so, full stop.

And Londoner you seem to be exactly the sort of person who would do this, forgetting completely and utterly that it isn't about you.

@mots I’m not at all saying she shouldn’t have the support of her mother. I’m saying you can’t prioritise grandparents. Mum can stay for as long as she likes and PIL can have a 10 min visit. Visiting hours are limited anyway so it’s likely mother wouldn’t be able to stay for long periods.
It’s her body but it isn’t only her child. The child belongs to both mother and father. PIL should have the same opportunity as her parents to see the child.

@helen it’s not just about the mother. A child has been born, a child who was created by mother and father. If mother honestly doesn’t want see PIL then why can’t they spend 10 mins with baby in the doctors area?

@londoner you seem to be choosing to be deliberately obtuse. No, the PIL should not have the 'same opportunity' to see the baby on the first day or two if the DIL does not feel comfortable seeing them. If she wants her mum to support and be there, that does NOT mean she has to suffer even ten minutes of feeling stressed and unhappy (more than the hospital environment already creates!) having her PIL visit out of some misguided sense of fairness. Those first few days are not about the baby, who will remember nothing, or the grandparents, to whom the experience does not belong and who have no right to try to stake a claim in it; those first few days are about mum and baby together and about mum having gone through a traumatic experience, being in physical discomfort, sometimes having been operated on, feeling highly emotional and hormonal, and having 100% say over who comes to visit, no matter how long for. It doesn't stop being her experience and her choice the minute the baby is born!

And because the mother should have the CHOICE of whether she is separated from her baby, even for one minute in those first days! Not have to hand him or her over to satisfy some totally misguided sense of not being the priority / entitlement from the PIL.

I really can't see why you'd treat your DM and MiL differently but then it does seem to be par for the course round here.

Same reason I treat my husband differently to the nice bus driver I see on the way to work @bluelady. Because they're different people.

Just let them pop their head in for 10minutes.
And I had a v traumatic birth and was in for 5 days afterwards.
Wouldn't a hospital visit be preferable? at home there's no nurses to kick them out.

After the birth of my first, I went home the same day... FIL made sure he was visiting throughout and his girlfriend at the time took it upon herself to dress my brand new baby in his very first outfit for the very first time.

I’m not usually shy with words... but having had a baby that day and not completely understanding why I was so so upset made me not tell her to ‘please piss off’, instead I stupidly stayed quiet after my first comments were ignored.

Luckily I now have an amazing MIL. But i have vowed never to be made to feel uncomfortable ever again. Its my way or everyone can fuck off.

How did it happen where FIL and GF dressed the baby?

@mots I have to disagree. After my babies were born it was totally about them. I put all my selfish reasons to one side. It was not about me anymore, it was about my children. In fact that is a lie, I was slightly selfish. I asked my friend to watch baby while I managed to get an hours sleep. My first two births were no where near easy, many complications. To be fair I have very nice inlaws. I totally get that some are nightmares but I would grin and bare it as they are the parents of my partner and deserve my respect, even if it is only for the fact that they gave birth to him.
I would understand OP a lot more if it was her first child, can you really invite them the first time and not the second. Would you think DIL was implying or suggesting that they were overbearing last time?