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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/07/2018 11:11

It's not about the baby being just as much the mil's as OP's own mother, it's about respecting the woman who has just given birth, needs to rest and wants to see only people that they are close to in a vulnerable position.

NataliaOsipova · 16/07/2018 11:13

I really can't see why you'd treat your DM and MiL differently but then it does seem to be par for the course round here.

I'm not even terribly close to my mum....but she's, well, my own mother! As a pp said - you've grown up with her. She's seen you be ill/not looking your best before and you can be pretty sure her concern is for you. If she gets on your nerves, you can tell her so. If you want her to leave, you can tell her so. Etc. Not the case with my MIL. If my husband were the one in hospital, the reverse would be true: he'd be far more comfortable with MIL (his mother) than my mother (his MIL) for exactly the same reasons....

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 11:22

Possibly or it could be for a quiet life.

Who knows.

Exactly my point. Perhaps he doesn't fancy being the one to have to assert boundaries when if MIL overstays her welcome and starts being horrible again! This is why nobody should be suggesting that OP isn't being fair to him, because on present information we have no reason to believe he wants his DM there shortly after the birth.

i would be hurt to be honest the baby would be as much my sons child as yours your are being selfish

Another useful example of why postpartum women end up entertaining visitors they don't want. That sort of attitude.

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 11:27

aprilanne

But your not ops mil

Op has given an account of mils behaviour bedside last time?!

Are you saying op should lay down like a meek lamb and allow this to happen again?
Where is DP in managing his over bearing DM and protecting his wife? My goodness - if that was my dp and my wife - after watching hours and hours of labour...my god I would be managing them like hell!

Any vaguely bad behavior or PA comments they would be ordered out.

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 11:28

Who here would allow their own dm to dominate the bedside if their husband had major trauma/operation in hospital? If he preferred his own dm after such an event would any one force their mothers on him, I bloody well wouldn't.

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 11:29

I don't understand how so many grandparents seem to feel so entitled like they have some right over the baby, with no regard for the parents need for space and time together. A few hours or a week makes no difference the baby won't have doubled in size

All I have ringing in my ears from that time " Oh but they change so much, so quickly". She went manic, it was all about her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 11:31

All I have ringing in my ears from that time " Oh but they change so much, so quickly". She went manic, it was all about her.

There must be much more to this than that comment. Surely people don't get wound up about things like that?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 11:32

Who here would allow their own dm to dominate the bedside if their husband had major trauma/operation in hospital? If he preferred his own dm after such an event would any one force their mothers on him, I bloody well wouldn't.

Different situation to one of a baby being born. A baby has two parents you know.

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 11:35

But only one of them will have just given birth, which is why the comparison to the father being in hospital as an inpatient is appropriate.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/07/2018 11:46

Equality isn't a useful concept here.

user1471426142 · 16/07/2018 11:47

I do wonder how much of this comes down to people’s own experience of birth. I know all my family have had crap experiences. That has shaped how we are and what we say once others have had their babies. If my daughter gives birth I will primarily be worried about her and the same for any daughter In law. Maybe if I had breezed though the whole thing I’d be one of these overbearing people that just think seeing the baby is the most important thing.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 11:48

I've been that woman that's given birth. Two pretty traumatic and drawn out labours that got quite worrying in parts. Lost a lot of blood and one with a third degree tear. I wouldn't however told DH that his family weren't welcome to visit soon after the birth. In fact with one of them FIL and SIL stayed outside the delivery suite on hand to give support to DH as he was a bit of a wreck himself.

Wherismymind · 16/07/2018 11:51

I can't believe the attitude of some woman on here. Complete disregard for another woman that has just given birth. I expect that kind of dismissive attitude from a man but not from another woman.

Giving birth can be hard, humiliating, painful, traumatising, exhausting and overwhelming plus many other things. Have some respect for the woman that has just grown and birthed your grandchild and visit when she is ready for you to visit. Its not about who is entitled to see the baby, it's about the mother being ready to accept visitors. I hate this dismissive attitude of the mother, like growing and birthing a child is nothing. Get over it, get out the way and share your child around.

I actually think TV has a lot to answer for. They show friends and extended family visiting a glowing mum hours after the birth. Thats not the reality for most mums. Most need time to recover, reflect and recuperate.

IAmLurkacus · 16/07/2018 11:51

GreatDuckCookery just because you have a lot of internalised misogyny and want to make yourself a martyr doesn’t mean the rest of us have to. You made your choices other women have every right to make theirs.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 11:57

I'm not a martyr by any any stretch of the imagination. I just understood that DH needed his family there too and didn't feel the need to make the birth of our children all about me. DH was glad to have his dad and sister on hand and I for one am glad that I didn't put my foot down and stop that.

IAmLurkacus · 16/07/2018 11:58

GreatDuckCookery congratulations on proving my (and other posters) point on internalised misogyny. I really don’t think I need to comment any further.

BounceAndClimb · 16/07/2018 11:59

@greatduckcookery that's nice for you that you wanted and felt comfortable with them there. However surely you can understand why some women wouldn't want people they're not that close with visiting while they're exhausted, emotional, in pain and have only just met their baby themselves.

To be honest the type of person who insists they visit straight after a birth and go on about feeling 'hurt' and it being 'unfair' is exactly the type of person who is probably not going to be wanted there.

It shows their self important and uncaring attitude, and in a lot of cases its probably due to this selfish and overbearing personality already having been shown that they aren't wanted there.

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 11:59

Suggesting that a woman who has just given birth and is giving some thought to her own needs is making the birth all about her is somewhere between terribly sad and ludicrous.

PirateWeasel · 16/07/2018 12:03

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery YES!!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 12:03

I don't think it's wrong to take your husbands feelings into account to some degree when giving birth no. I get on with my inlaws though so maybe that's why I was glad they were there for DH. I know not everyone does but I'm talking about my experience here.

AngelsSins · 16/07/2018 12:13

and didn't feel the need to make the birth of our children all about me

Brilliant! If it’s not all about the woman, why doesn’t she just pop home and put her feet up with a cup of tea and everyone else can carry on with the labour for a few hours?!

IAmLurkacus · 16/07/2018 12:14

Brilliant! If it’s not all about the woman, why doesn’t she just pop home and put her feet up with a cup of tea and everyone else can carry on with the labour for a few hours?!

GrinGrinGrin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 12:16

A good friend of mine lost a child during labour. Both sets of parents were at the hospital at the time, she always says that she was thankful for her PILs being there for her DH as he was obviously devastated.
Was she wrong too then Angry

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 16/07/2018 12:17

I have sons so expect to be a mil of ddil’s one day. I’m sure I will be hugely excited when the dgc arrive, but I sincerely hope I wouldn’t be selfish enough to visit unwanted / uninvited. I wouldn’t have even thought about the “fairness” thing if I hadn’t read it on here!
Op yanbu, especially after what happened last time.

rebbykay · 16/07/2018 12:19

Sounds to me like you're well within reason to say "look, I want mum there as when we had the last baby she was very kind and went home so you could stay; it seems only fair to have her there for this one."

You don't need to say any more; it's totally reasonable and completely understandable. If she kicks up a fuss, then just don't tell her when you go into labour - that's what my BIL and his GF did!