AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

From reading this I think the people reaping what they sow are the MILs

My MIL is lovely - I had no pressure from her at all (my mum guilt tripped me so hard I had to stop talking to her for a bit) around our first child, so I had no worries about asking her to come and pick us up from the hospital with the second, or having my SIL and her look after DS1. Like some other MILs on here she's helpful and kind, but not overbearing.

As has been said on this thread the most important thing is the mother and baby well-being.

Lots of visitors or a stressed out new mothers do nothing for the baby. I really don’t see why visits can’t wait a week if that’s what the mother wishes. Also if she wants her Mum there for a bit for reassurance it seems perfectly understandable to me. Both grandparents will hopefully have plenty of time with the child over the years.

Personally I had a quite traumatic birth - didn’t make it to hospital and had her without pain relief in a quite frightening scenario. I felt physically and emotionally drained and me and dp needed some bonding time the three of us. After 5 days we offered the grandmothers a few dates and MIL ended up meeting her first. No competitiveness and our familiars understood and respected our wishes.

Good luck OP

Yanbu. The last thing I wanted was visitors whilst laying in bed hideously sleep deprived, with a catheter still in and trying to establish breastfeeding. My own parents didn't even visit until the following evening. Have the time for yourself and your partner.

YANBU. You don't suddenly become fine after pushing out a small human - you'll be exhausted, sore and emotional. You'll still be a patient, in need of care.

No one has the right to ask anything of you until you've healed up. You would be unreasonable to deny any contact after you had been discharged and recovered from the birth, but whilst you're still in a vulnerable state, you shouldn't be pressured into anything.

And it's not unfair that a MIL isn't seen the same way as a DM by a patient - it's just a fact. If your OH was ever very ill, it wouldn't be unreasonable of him to want to see his mum and not yours. In an ordinary functional family, the bond a mum has with her child is something special. A MIL can be as lovely as lovely can be, but she will never quite be the same as a mum.

Depends on what you think the focus of the visit is. I totally get that if you think the visit is about you, the trauma that you have just gone through and the need for support from your nearest and dearest then yes, you absolutely get to decide who is there.

If you think the visit is about your and your DPs child then everyone had grandparent level needs to be treated the same. It is not just your child which allows you to exclude your DPs family. I've never really understood why people think its ok to exclude the father and their family from the joyous event (by that I mean isolate the father from the joy thay can be shared with his own family). I wonder if this exclusion zone around the new child is the first barrier that jumps up after a birth that causes a gap between mother and father to grow.

But this PIL does sound like hard work though.

OP do what you want, it’s your birth so you get to decide.

And for those saying it’s not fair [😐]

The MIL was first to see the older DC, so it’s only fair that her DM sees this grandchild first. Also, if your DM is looking after your DD OP its completely appropriate.

Haven't got time to RTWT but the thing that immediately jumped into my mind is, last time, MIL monopolised visiting time and you didn't get to see your Mum. Follows that this time it is your Mum's turn especially as she has DC1. Plus, for some reason, she isn't showing any interest in this pregnancy so you assume she isn't bothered anyway!

I think it's a little unfair on your DP that your mum gets to see the baby not his.
However, being a GP myself and it's my DS's child I wouldn't have made a fuss if my DIL only wanted her mum there but I would've felt a little hurt.
Fortunately I did get to pop in for 5 minutes only (I chose that length of time) to see GS in hospital after the birth.

I think in your position I would have both or neither visit in hospital. I know my mother was very hurt when my SIL invited her mother to the hospital but not mine when my nephew was born (although my mum is a lot more supportive then your MIL sounds). I would rely on your DH to limit her to a very short visit (made clear in advance) and boot her out. If she started criticising I would also expect DH to put her in her place or tell her to leave.
Unless you have a traumatic birth I don't think ten minutes is a lot to ask to keep the peace. If MIL's first visit is at home (no doubt as soon as you get home) it'll be a lot less easy to get rid of her.

How is it unfair on DP when we've no indication he actually wants his mum to visit anyway? For all we know he's secretly delighted at OPs decision! We can't assume either way.

I’m another who thinks you are being unreasonable. MIL is just as much a grandparent as your mum and as such, she should be allowed to pop in and see the new baby if she wants to. I’ve used ‘pop in’ deliberately - make sure OH knows what this means and that his role is to usher his mum out as soon as you’ve had enough of her.!
Having said that - how long are you expecting to be in hospital for. When I had my second child I was home the same day so didn’t see the need to have any visitors at all whilst I was in. My toddler was more than happy playing at home with my mum and dad and it was lovely when we arrived back as he was waiting at the door with my mum who made sure he got the first look. Mil (who has grandchildren in double figures) was delighted with a Skype call and left us to it for a few days

I was only allowed 1 visitor and my mum being her offered to leave (so I didn't get to see her) and MIL ended up staying hours telling me how to do stuff, why I shouldn't breastfeed etc etc I was still in the middle if establishing breastfeeding and felt like all eyes were on me from her

There you go, your mum is showing awareness, kindness and respect. People who can behave themselves and act appropriately can see the baby. That maybe mil - that maybe your dm and mil but not fil - or that means no mil.

the woman who has just given birth is and should be given absolute non guilted say over who visits HER and her baby after the birth. It is not a single other persons right at all - ( apart from dad ) to dictate to that women who she should or shouldn't see.

For all we know he's secretly delighted at OPs decision Possibly or it could be for a quiet life.

Who knows.

Not unreasonable. I was the same after my fourth child. I had a c section and was stuck in bed in only a gown with a pad shoved between my legs so only wanted my partner and own close family to visit.
Thinking back to my first child I was in the same situation and one of my aunt's burst round the curtain with a camcorder while I was looking and feeling shit and I just thought how inconsiderate can you get?

So Milly your mil didn't effectively shove your dm out, dominate you telling you what to do - she was just happy with a quick Skype chat?

How bizarre! Ops mils lost the right to see her after her behavior last time which certainly wasn't a pop in - and certainly wasn't a - lets have a quick sykpe call.

i would be hurt to be honest the baby would be as much my sons child as yours your are being selfish .i would not go but would be hurt but then again never been in that situation i just went in after grandaughter born at normal visiting was no where near labour ward .stayed half an hour then left just to see everyone ok and i mean everyone not just the baby it wouldnt hurt you.no wonder some folk on here dont get on with there mil if this is the attitude .a baby has two parents therefore two sets of grandparents

I completely get people not wanting to have visitors for lengths of time - but sorry I think you are being very selfish if you are not prepared to let PILS visit for 10mins to meet the baby. Newborn babies are different from babies who are a day or more old. People harp on about how the mum pushed the baby out so they can decide - but mums wouldn't have the baby without the sperm of the father. This is his mum like your mum is your mum - why should your mum be allowed to see the baby but your PILs can't. I was very ill after the birth of my twins and my son went to the ICT straight away. My m'n'law went to see him and she got to hold him before me! I was pretty devastated at the time! My husband did not understand why I was so upset. But I got over it - please let your poor inlaws see the baby for 10mins - it's their child's baby - it's an important time for them too.

Would anyone on here actually expect to visit their DIL in hospital just after giving birth?

I have 2 DDs and 1 DS and I wouldn't expect to be there straight after any of their childrens births, especially not after DS's partner giving birth.

Surely the normal thing to do is to congratulate them, tell them to let you know when they're feeling up to a visit and not to worry if they're not yet.

Equally I would never expect to be visiting my DS's partner just after giving birth before her own mum unless there was a personal reason why she wanted that!

I don't understand how so many grandparents seem to feel so entitled like they have some right over the baby, with no regard for the parents need for space and time together. A few hours or a week makes no difference the baby won't have doubled in size, but the mum might be feeling a lot less exhausted and happier to hand her baby around than she would be just after giving birth!

@ittakes2 how are newborn babies different from an over 1 day old baby other than not having had the mums womb contents cleared off fully yet?

My DS struggled to wake up enough to feed for the first 3 days, there's no way I would have been handing him round and tiring him out even more. He was still exactly the same baby a few days later!

Also unless there was a serious safeguarding breach then your DH must have given the OK for his mum to hold the baby.
DD1 and 2 were in NICU and even visitors the staff recognised had to be given the OK by us before being allowed in never mind holding the baby.

*I have 2 DDs and 1 DS and I wouldn't expect to be there straight after any of their childrens births, especially not after DS's partner giving birth.

Surely the normal thing to do is to congratulate them, tell them to let you know when they're feeling up to a visit and not to worry if they're not yet.*

This. You just wait surely, no biggie.

i would be hurt to be honest the baby would be as much my sons child as yours your are being selfish

Attitudes like this are so incredibly selfish! It’s not about who “owns” the baby, it’s about a woman having just gone through trauma and not being up to entertaining visitors. Not everyone wants every relative they have seeing them in such a vulnerable state, it’s not even about the baby. Trying putting the bloody patient first.

I cant imagine treating a woman who has just given birth so badly just to meet my own needs and I would expect someone who has given birth themself to have more empathy.

yes i did say that but i also said i would not go if i was asked not to you cant just pick parts of my post you dont like angel

it was about 8hrs after the baby was born i saw her because of visiting hrs i certainly did not go to labour ward or any nonsense like that .