Are these rules for my lodger too harsh?

[southatsea]

I have a lodger but he has complained that my rules are too strict. So looking to canvas opinion on them!

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
No smoking
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used eg no hoarding in bedrooms.

Do these sound too harsh? His room is well furnished with a sofa, double bed, tv etc and I charge below market rent.

hahahaha Enthymeme.

It's a narcissistic culture these days.

I’m feeling very old on the en-suite thing. After my lodger experience at 19, I spent a few months on a voluntary project where the ‘bathroom ‘ was either the river or a squat bog with a bit of bamboo screening. Uni was 2 years of halls with shared facilities, with a year out sharing a bathroom between 3. Eventually moved into a shared house with bathroom + bog between sometimes 6. Even on holiday, I didn’t experience an en-suite at all until my mid 20s, and most holidays have been mainly communal facilities. I’m now 44, and have never expected an en-suite as of right (different if that’s what’s advertised, of course). Am I really a relic from another era?

Its sounds like he is not compatible to be your lodger for the long term so I would give the required notice and find someone you would get on with better. It's your home and you need to be comfortable with whoever lives there and you can have whatever rules you like. It's difficult to share though if you only have one bathroom.

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
I wouldn’t expect you to have to write this down as a formal rule. I’d expect your lodger to be considerate, and ask him to turn it down if stuff is too loud.

No smoking
I’d say it is fine for you to specify no smoking but I would expect you to have said this when originally advertising / talking to prospective flat shares.

Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Would not expect to have this enshrined in formality - I’d have said at the outset that it’s for him to have friends over but can he check with you in advance just in case you have something else planned.

Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
No smoking
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
Again, something I don’t think you can enshrine in law but you could have said when exploring whether he’d be happy to be your lodger, that you’d really appreciate it if you could use the bathroom during this time on workdays. But you need to recognise he might be desperate for a wee etc!

Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used eg no hoarding in bedrooms.
Don’t see why you even need to mention this unless cutlery and crockery starts vanishing. Then you just say, if you’re hogging these items, can you bring them back down before we run out!

Sorry for the duplication, something weird is happening with my IPad!IPad!IPad!

I don’t think your rules are too harsh. We had lodgers for several years and we were too soft in the beginning and they took advantage. It is your house/flat and if they don’t like it then they can move.

Surely a lodger is merely renting a room with use of kitchen and bathroom? Maybe living area if not occupied by owner or something.

No need to be best mates or anything, it is a business arrangement surely.

The one biggie for me would be overnight guests. That would be a big fat NO from me. Give an inch and all that.

The lodger should stay at the potential overnight guest's place. All problems solved!

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Your house, your rules. Don't like it, don't stay. Rules for teenagers=respect for others.

Your lodger is paying you to have a home in your home but you’re treating them like a teenager with no rights! Is there only one bathroom? If so, the bathroom role is a bit out of order, people can’t choose when they need to use the loo! Fair enough don’t hog but an outright ban seems harsh.

My DH and I got to discussing 'Millenials and their sense of entitlement' the other day and sheesh! From some of the comments I'd say there are a few here. All this 'I have rights' without having the slightest idea about the rights of others and simple give and take. Those people are going to gave a shite life where they encounter a whole load of people who just expect them to, like, follow rules, like, and take into account other people's wishes, like.

i think these are things tht a re pretty standard for a person just in general.leaving things tidy bringing things down etc.letting you no if they have mates.i think what makes it sound so "oh ek" is the fact its had to be written down so sounds so wrong.because to me most of these are just a given or something to have in a lighter convo on arriving or coming for a look round.

Is it really a sense of entitlement though to say talk to a fellow adult like an adult, not down to them like a child?

I wouldn't be too impressed if someone told me the bathroom was out of bounds at x times or that all crockery must be brought down the same day.

That doesn't mean that I think it's fine to stash dirty plates. Just I don't see the benefit in patronising other adults. If i take a cup of tea to bed and bring it down the next morning, it's a joke for another adult to decide that's not reasonable.

I wouldn't have a problem if someone said 'I'm off to work so can we keep try to keep the bathroom free between these times'. I'd keep it free, but if I really needed a quick wee I'd trust that a fellow adult can manage 30 seconds in their morning (anyone who runs their morning with zero float is disorganised in my opinion).

Most things can be solved in life by having polite and adult conversations, not speaking down to others.

Am I really a relic from another era?

No, you're not. People expecting en suites are out of touch with the reality of rental housing in this country.

There are lodgers with a bit of cash who like en suites and demand them.

But equally there are those who aren't at all bothered. Lots of them in fact!

Surely a lodger is merely renting a room with use of kitchen and bathroom? Maybe living area if not occupied by owner or something

That depends totally on the set up.

In some lodging situations the lodger is welcome to share all facilities.

The key is not any particular set of rules - but that the landlord is clear about what the expectations are, so the lodger can decide if they fit in or not.

Definitely asking your permission to have a friend stay over is not ok. A text letting you know should suffice.
I can't understand why anyone would be a lodger - surely a flatshare is more comfortable, equal terms and they can bring someone home that they just met for a casual shag - one of the joys of being young free and single Imo. -God I miss those days.-

Definitely asking your permission to have a friend stay over is not ok. A text letting you know should suffice.

Again, people are really not getting this. It's the OP's home, FFS. It's not a house share. She can make any rules she likes.

The lodger can choose to accept them or not.

Many people would not be comfortable with a lodger bringing people round to stay without asking, and that's their prerogative.

I cannot get my head around people thinking it's okay to bring a total stranger into someone else's home. I would love to know how many 'lodger's rights' people have actually had lodgers. And these idealists who think all adults are reasonable and can be relied upon to know the basics of how to behave socially really have led sheltered lives.

@Devora13,

You have it nailed.

Maisypops are you saying that if you needed a quick wee you couldn't hold it for 15 minutes? Good grief, what went wrong with toilet training? Plus some people are making assumptions about how the message was delivered without I presume having read the whole thread. But I suppose people are ENTITLED to their opinion, even if ill informed. They are, after all, like butt holes.

No devour that's true - Ive never had or been a lodger and never would. My flatshare years were an absolute riot and some of the happiest times of my life, what a blast. My point was really WHY would anyone be a lodger and have to put up with all there rules and demands when its just as cheap to be in a flatshare.
Genuine question - What is the advantage of being a lodger and tiptoe-ing around someones home when you could share a flat and all be equal? Why would anyone be a lodger?

I think the rules are fine & YANBU. 20 odd years ago my husband lodged with a family in a university town when he was finishing his PhD as a mature student. It was cheaper than renting and only needed for a few months. We checked with them before he moved in that I would be able to visit and stay the occasional week as I was working overseas. I would not have dreamed of turning up to stay unannounced or without asking as it was their home, not his.

Some people might be shy or whatever, and might like the appeal of a room with little interraction like in a house share situation.

They still must observe the owner's rules though. And if they don't like them, off they go!

Maisypops are you saying that if you needed a quick wee you couldn't hold it for 15 minutes? Good grief, what went wrong with toilet training?
Nothing, but thanks for the sarcasm it's really helpful.
Sometimes when I get cystitis then it is a case of going for a quick wee or feeling really quite uncomfortable. I'd like to think that another adult would be more than capable of being understanding (and not having their morning relying on zero float).

As for tone, when someone starts having rules they issue to adults about times places are out of bounds and that crockery must be back within a specified time frame then that in itself is speaking down to another adult and quite arsey.

tiger
I suppose not all lodger set ups are the same.
To me, having a lodger when you want to keep a set routine and there's only one bathroom etc is a ridiculous set up.

A friend of mine has a lodger and the lodger room has an en suite. They also have TVs in the kitchen-diner and lounge so both can enjoy their own space. It's still a let me know if there's going to be guests and an understanding that it's probably not a frequent thing when you opt to lodge. It works really well because the set up gives both adults space and one doesn't have to be 'my house my routine my rules on every little thing'.

Interesting thread . I've had lodgers in my various homes since my late 20's - am now 58 - And have similar house rules in place .
Why does my lodger need to ask if they can have someone to stay ? Because I have let the room to them and them alone and charge accordingly . Also I don't want random assorted strangers coming and going in my home .
Why have my lodgers proffered lodging as opposed to flat share? Probably because they pay a set amount each month which includes all bills so they can budget really easily and as they've all been relatively young , this seems to be a good transition from being at home with their parents to being out in the big wife world.
My current lodger has her parents staying here at the moment . She asked and it was fine . Rules give security and clarity to the situation and people can choose whether to accept them or not .

I must admit that most of them are common courtesy, but to have them laid out to me as though I were a naughty teenager rather than someone who is paying their way would make me feel very uncomfortable, and frankly unwelcome. I'd be looking for somewhere else to live.

In my late teens I lodged in two houses, one where the woman had 'rules' and one where the man spied on me through the keyhole. Never again.