Are these rules for my lodger too harsh?

[southatsea]

I have a lodger but he has complained that my rules are too strict. So looking to canvas opinion on them!

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
No smoking
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used eg no hoarding in bedrooms.

Do these sound too harsh? His room is well furnished with a sofa, double bed, tv etc and I charge below market rent.

Thanks @yearofthewoman that makes sense.

I think if you have a lodger they should have their own bathroom or en-suite. Just makes things a lot more civilised. Maybe your property is not suitable to share with someone

What utter nonsense!!

Potential lodgers see the house before they decide if they want to move in. The lack of en suite will not be a surprise!

Rooms with en suite cost more. Some lodgers aren't bothered and would prefer to save the money, or simply aren't that bothered about en suites.

I've rented to loads of lodgers (mature students so high turn over as courses finished) and we didn't have an en suite.

Absolutely spot on. I have the same rules. It is a family home not a house share. I also let the room as a bed sit so he has no need to use the living room.

I don't have lodgers, but if I did, I would most certainly lay out the house rules before they moved in.

Personally they would be in line with OP, but discussed at the "meeting" stage.

Definitely no overnighters. But guests ok until a certain time.
Room free of hairy food gathering objects within a day.
Quiet time after 10pm. Earphones are available you know!
No smoking indoors,
Agreed access to facilities if there is only one bathroom.

That is just normal stuff. Anything else means the lodger needs to move on to a mad houseshare and have a shag every night. They are welcome to go so.

Perfectly reasonable rules.

Not unreasonable at all. I found that when guests just come to stay overnight, it stretched too easily to a couple of nights, three nights, a week, and next thing you've two people living in your home. They don't pay extra and it's hard to get them out. Find someone more in your own style rather than have a do about 'strict rules.'

Your rules sound like good manners and consideration for others. if he doesn't like these rules I would be rather concerned for my sanity if he decided to play loud music, smoke, and leave grotty encrusted plates upstairs for days. You can always relax them if he is reasonable!

I have to admit I am at the posts asking “what if he needed a wee at 6.53???” Ummmm... the same thing he would have to do if OP hadn’t blocked off the (15 minute forchrissakes!) slot and was in there anyway?

I have recently started working and taking the train again and I totally get OP’s need to KNOW when the loo will be available. Mornings are stressful enough without worrying your lodger is going to make you late because he is effectively a stranger who doesn’t live your routine like a partner would.

YANBU

I found that when guests just come to stay overnight, it stretched too easily to a couple of nights, three nights, a week, and next thing you've two people living in your home. They don't pay extra and it's hard to get them out

I'm sorry you had that experience - we never did and we always made it clear lodgers were welcome to have friends and family members stay. If someone moved their partner in, we'd ask for them to pay a bigger share to the bills (assuming we were happy for them to be there).

Our last lodger chose to live with us specifically because she was allowed to have friends over. And we became good friends so I'm glad she did!

When we have lodgers with us, they're welcome to take part in family life - join us for dinner, use the living room, we invite them with us of we're off out somewhere and it's appropriate, etc. I know this would be some people's idea of hell! But I would find the idea of someone living in my house but hiding in their room all the time, really unsettling.

Neither way is right. It's about what you prefer.

When I was a lodger, the basic rules were:
-You can have people round, but no men other than brother to stay over (other lodger was also female, and landlady born in 1910s thought the early-morning encounters might be awkward).
-You have use of the kitchen & bathroom in addition to bedroom (with kettle/TV/toaster).
-If you use the ‘phone, make a note in the book provided so LL could work out what you owed.
-Can’t remember anything about smoking, but smokers would probably have got rejected before we even seriously talked about the room.

For context: I was 19, first time away from parents. This was already massively more freedom than I’d ever had (and bedroom was nearly 3x bigger than back home, so no living room not a problem). LL basically took in lodgers because she missed having kids to look after (other girl was also my age), so charged below-market rate. No specific rules about crockery or loud TV, but it was probably obvious to both me and other lodger (yes, even at 19!), and we were both quiet types anyway. Seemed fine to me.

By contrast: My then-boyfriend aged 23 became a lodger . My take on it was that the LL liked the idea of it but not the reality. Eg she was a shortarse who had umpteen fragile nicknacks hanging everywhere that entangled anyone over 5’ — then got arsey if any got broken. Left pass-agg notes if ex left surplus food out while it was cooling . Insisted on ex following a long-winded ritual of triple-locking and window/ blind closing if he even went downstairs. Ex said ruefully he should have listened to the warning bells when they first met and she casually mentioned having asked her previous lodger to leave .

So no, I don’t think OP sounds too strict at all — especially if lodger knew exactly what the rules were before agreeing the arrangement.

If i were a lodger i would find these rules perfectly ok. If he doesn‘t like them, he can always go elsewhere.

Yearofthewoman I don’t think it is “utter nonsense” to have 2 bathrooms or en-suite facilities if you are renting your home out to lodgers or taking in students. I stand by my point that there should be reasonable facilities for lodgers or paying guests. It not the 1950s

My partner had a landlady who objected to me visiting. I used to clean his room and bathroom as he was ill and could not manage. I looked after her cats and I cooked his dinner at my own home as she would be forever making disgusting smelling fish chowder and snapped nastily if you went in the kitchen . You also were not allowed to touch anything in the kitchen ( which was filthy). She noticed if you moved something a quarter of an inch. She once accused me of taking liberties... I also did his washing as her machine was full of her own laundry...
So basically he got to pay rent for a small room in a dirty house which was freezing. She had chickens but he had to pay £10 a fortnight for eggs. He was poor and ill and he died one night in his bed. She didn't even notice or she did and did nothing. She was horrible. After he died she had cleaners in and the place was all lovely and she was full of smiles.
Some people should not be landladies. I have always looked after whoever lives with me. I cook for them and help them if they ask. Life is short.

I disagree with the visitors rule. When I was a lodger, the rule was that we informed others in the house. We didn't have to ask permission like a child.
Are you really planning to say they can't have visitors?

As for TV, I presume you mean not 'loud', not that it can't be on at all. If the latter, then yabu.

No problem with the plates thing and I would't blame you for having a rule about changing bedsheets often too if the person is naturally dirty as your mattress will become disgusting.

This is what the OP stated about tv and music

*No loud music or loud tv after 10pm
*
They have said they can't watch tv or listen to music, just basically keep it on a low volume and that is understandable.

Not once have I read it saying they CANNOT have either on. Just a bit of common curtesy

Tara 12 that is an incredibly sad story about your partner.

Re the OP, I don't think the rules are bad at all. I had a lodger for a period (as opposed to house share) and this was cheaper than house sharing as I didn't want to share my house but wanted someone to help pay towards the bills. There was the no overnight guest rule, no smoking etc. but we got on really well and he ended up meeting his second wife on a blind date and bringing her over to cook for her one night and I left them to it. So I did break my own rules. He was a slob though and cups and plates would pile up and he cranked the heating really high all the time. Sometimes you just aren't in a position to want to share your space fully and instead provide a temporary place that people can stay as lodgers until they find their feet and move on. Nothing wrong with that and your rules sound fine to me having lived through it. Re having an ensuite bathroom, well, that's nonsense. My lodger had a large bedroom, good storage, use of the rest of the place but one bathroom. He and I were both really happy with the arrangement and we're still in touch. He credits that period with providing stability for him - he had just gone through a sad divorce and needed to not be living alone. He then met a lovely woman and moved out. She probably picks up his plates and cups now!

Oh also, I had a rule about him cleaning his room i.e. I got a cleaner in to make sure that it was done and that his sheets etc were changed weekly. Does sound over-bossy, but it's your house.

Yearofthewoman I don’t think it is “utter nonsense” to have 2 bathrooms or en-suite facilities if you are renting your home out to lodgers or taking in students. I stand by my point that there should be reasonable facilities for lodgers or paying guests. It not the 1950s

Not everyone expects or even cares about en suites.

You may not have noticed but there is a housing crisis in this country. Many people, particularly in the private rented sector, are finding it very difficult to find decent accommodation. (Decent meaning the basics - affordable, clean and somewhere you can enjoy living.)

If only people who had en suites rented their rooms out, then there would be an even bigger housing shortage!

You're putting your personal expectations onto other people. Not everyone thinks like you.

I have never had an ensuite in my life. It's really not that hard to share a bathroom unless you are a smelly thoughtless hog. An extra bathroom is useful I am sure but I imagine would be lodgers just pick different lodgings if rules and bathrooms aren't to their taste. Offering a room to rent is just that, an option not a compulsory thing.

I think they are mostly reasonable, though I would baulk at the idea of having a banned bathroom time (couldn't you just get in there at 6.30 to get on the safe side?) and would really be cross at having to ask permission for someone to stay on the odd occasion because I'm not ten. It would be more reasonable, I think, to say that guests no more than two nights a week/ weekends only or similar, and no guests hanging around in communal areas.

oh dear, I am going to comment having not RTFT. So sorry, so long...

What I want to say is: those of you kicking up a stink about this can't have had people lodging in your home. You can't have, or you'd know all about boundaries like rock. They have to be like rock or you get into a mess, both ways.

It's NOT a houseshare. He has the privilege of using a room in your house and also, kind host that you are, you are allowing him to use public areas I wouldn't .

It sounds like you don't suit one another. He wants a houseshare, you want a lodger.

Sorry if this has been said already. People have NO IDEA how challenging it can be to share your home with a stranger. You're in charge, yes. It's your home, your rules. If he wants his home, his rules, then he can buy his own home and see how he gets on with a lodger.

Your rules are NOT too harsh. They're very ordinary!

Glad you’ve got the rules, I made the mistake of not being so clear on guests. I’d imagined guests to be friends - however my lodger brought home guys she’d met that night, and I’d bump into these random strangers in the morning. She’d say they were “old friends” but it was blatantly not the case. I gave her notice when I had 3 different strangers staying in my house on 3 subsequent nights. You have to think of your own safety - it is after all your own home

I think your rules are fine and common courtesy.

But... I must ask... in regards to the toilet time... are you Sheldon Cooper?

I would expect a lodger to behave with enough consideration to obviate the need to have any conflict.