Are these rules for my lodger too harsh?

[southatsea]

I have a lodger but he has complained that my rules are too strict. So looking to canvas opinion on them!

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
No smoking
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used eg no hoarding in bedrooms.

Do these sound too harsh? His room is well furnished with a sofa, double bed, tv etc and I charge below market rent.

MaisyPops

I think some people have strange notions of 'running a boarding house', where they are a 1940s cross between matriarch and warden. Very weird!

Saying "I use the bathroom to get ready for work at 6.45-7.00" is not a "bathroom timetable" fgs. And as OP had stated that her lodger spends a long time in the bathroom every morning, 15 mins is asking very little imo.

The bathroom thing is ridiculous

It isn't ridiculous at all, OP needs to get ready for work - how is the bathroom rule ridiculous!!!
The only way my lodger and I have survived for so long is that we have boundaries. Otherwise we would have been tearing our hair out in the first week.

How easily can you get someone else, how easily can he move on. I would just get someone else.
Guests would be occasional.

Couldn't be bothered with this. And make the rules v clear before you start.

madcatladyforever

But my husband and I get up at the same time. We use the bathroom at similar times. If he is on the toilet I have breakfast. When he's finished I use the bathroom. And vice versa. It's perfectly fine. There is no need for signalling inequality between two people by saying one person gets to ringfence their bathroom time and the other one doesn't.

Amethystical
Then a polite 'i tend to go in the bathroom around that time, please aim to keep it free' would suffice, not bathroom out of bounds between these times.

It's like being in a classroom. You can usually get the same result from students by politely discussing or by issuing a list of rules which must be followed in a 'I'm telling you who is boss. My classroom. My rules' fashion. One is reasonable. The other usually rubs people up the wrong way.
Even more so with adults.

Pengwyynn lodgers aren't spouses. The relationship is completely different. I can't believe that's not obvious

They are another adult who you shouldn't be issuing rules to about bathroom times. It's simple respect. If you can't have a simple conversation and come to an agreement then it's not going to work and you should get another lodger.

Does he also have to put his hand up and wait to be called if he wants to speak to you?

I can't believe people are getting so exercised aboout 'the bathroom thing' and making silly comments about 'does he have to put his hand up...?' There are 3 adults in my house, including a lodger. All of us work. We had a conversation along the lines of: 'What time do you start work... I have to get a train then... I have to leave at this time...' and agreed a good time when each of us could have a 20 minute bathroom slot. This is not 'imposing' anything on anyone, or treating anyone like a child; it'a sensible way for 3 adults to live together when we all have to get out of the house between 7.30 - 8.15 in the morning. If our working hours change, we have another conversation.

Why did he move in if he didn't like the terms!

Sorry ! Was meant to be ? 😬

NynaeveSedai

Yes, obviously I am confused and think they're married.

I would apply the same courtesy to any adult sharing my home, be it a family member, friend or lodger. It is perfectly possible to work around one another with respect, without creating some sort of proprietorial hierarchy with regards to toileting.

We had a conversation along the lines of: 'What time do you start work... I have to get a train then... I have to leave at this time...' and agreed a good time when each of us could have a 20 minute bathroom slot.

But that isn't what has happened in this case, is it?

We had a conversation along the lines of: 'What time do you start work... I have to get a train then... I have to leave at this time...' and agreed a good time when each of us could have a 20 minute bathroom slot. This is not 'imposing' anything on anyone, or treating anyone like a child; it'a sensible way for 3 adults to live together when we all have to get out of the house between 7.30 - 8.15 in the morning. If our working hours change, we have another conversation

And that's how I'd expect it to work. Also, rather than saying that loud TV etc is banned after 10pm I'd expect the conversation to be along the lines of 'no one in this house has loud TV/Music after 10pm, is that OK with you' or similar - i.e. making it clear that there are house rules that apply to everyone in the house and not just the lodger. I'd also ask if there is anything the lodger needed, to be honest, such as (for example) a bit of quiet during the day on weekends if they were a shift-worker, etc.

Well, presumably these are the rules that you can cope with, he can live somewhere else if he doesn’t find them agreeable.

If the OP imposes rules rather than has a conversation then they shouldn't have a lodger. If they have a conversation and it's still not working then you tell them to move out. That's the main benefit from having a lodger compared to a houseshare, you're not stuck with them if you don't get on.

The thing is, this lodger has already decided that spending a whole hour in there during the morning is reasonable.

A whole hour to shit and shower during peak getting-ready times.

That would be a problem for most households surely? There's only two of us in our house, but he's been getting up slightly before me, and I'm only up in the house for 50m before I leave. Even to do my simple wee and teeth brush routine would mean me getting up twenty minutes earlier so I could do it before he got in the shower.

Rachelfromfriends - the bit worrying me from that is how the landlady would know when she had a wee rather than a poo! (Or were poos restricted to a specific time slot?)

Anyway, so back to chopping boards. What does anti-bac actually do if it doesn't kill the bacteria on my chopping board? Should I be having words with Waitrose about false advertising or is there some hidden small print on cleaning products that excludes aging chopping boards?

Those saying just have a conversation have clearly never met some of our previous lodgers!

Besides which op hasn’t actually said she set the rules out exactly as written here, for all we know she may well have just said “I shower between 6.45 and 7 so I’d appreciate you leaving the bathroom free then”

From what one gathers, the OP did have nice civilised house rules, but the lodger took liberties (an hour in the bathroom while she's desperate to shower and catch her train - tell me that's reasonable!) so she had to turn them into rules because "do you mind awfully" just wasn't cutting it.

Thing is, this isn't a houseguest, but someone entering into a contractual arrangement. So rules need to be clear to protect both parties. I've had excellent landlords give me really anal-retentive contracts but explain that 99% of it is what they're sure I'd do anyway - it just means if there is unreasonable behaviour it's likely to involve a breach of the contract and make it easier to evict.

It's not hard at all to evict a lodger. That's one of the main benefits from the arrangement.

It may be that's what's happened Annie. Hard to judge tone of the OP. And I wouldn't want a lodger who I had to lay down rules to like they were a teenager. There is so much interaction when sharing a house it would just make the whole thing unpleasant to my mind.

How old is the lodger?
What is it that he/she find harsh?

The hoarding dirty plates in the bedroom does my head in but then my son is 19....