Are these rules for my lodger too harsh?

[southatsea]

I have a lodger but he has complained that my rules are too strict. So looking to canvas opinion on them!

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm
No smoking
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay
Use of the bathroom, kitchen and living room but can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 (when I need it to get ready for work)
Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used eg no hoarding in bedrooms.

Do these sound too harsh? His room is well furnished with a sofa, double bed, tv etc and I charge below market rent.

A lot of people are saying that the plate and cup one is unreasonable on this thread. Personally if he's happy to live in such squalor and has to have it pointed out to him that they shouldn't be left in his room he should be ashamed.
Telling a grown adult that every implement they use must be returned by the end of the day IS ridiculous.
Yes, hoarding plates of food for days on end is disgusting. Almost all the time I put plates etc in the kitchen and wash up, but last night I had a herbal tea in bed whilst reading and (shock horror!) fell asleep and took the cup down with me this morning.
That's not living in squalor (unless you're on MN where nobody owns a toilet brush and washing getting darked on is a sign of a household in chaos).

A grown adult is more than capable of knowing how to be a reasonably functioning human without another adult policing their use of cups and plates.

The bathroom thing amuses me because it reminds me of Sheldon on Big Bang Theory with the bathroom schedule.

I imagine the OP’s general idea isn’t that a cup must be brought downstairs the second the tea is finished, but that dirty crockery shouldn’t be allowed to accumulate and fester in a bedroom. In practice you probably wouldn’t police it to the letter, but I think as a general request it’s perfectly acceptable. As is ‘would you mind if I use the bathroom 6.45-7 every morning?’

I think there's a very big difference between politely mentioning that you usually use the bathroom from 6.45am-7am and asking whether it would be possible for him to work round this, and banning him from accessing it at these times.

The latter is absolutely out of order, and I would be out of there as quick as possible if I was the lodger.

glintandglide

'Troika I wouldn’t dream of having a lodger in a house young children reside in and would think rather negatively of any parent who did.'

Really?
My lodger is a zookeeper and my kids think she is the best thing ever!
It's amazing what you get judged for on Mumsnet

SunShades

There's a third option though, slightly different, which is that OP both owns the house and has an established routine, and the point (not question), is therefore, "I shower every work day 6.45-7am and you need to fit in with that".

When taking on a lodger, it's perfectly fine to lay out the conditions of their using your space in a take-it-or-leave-it way.

glint Feel free to think of me negatively, but my children have enjoyed having extra auntie-type figures (and occasional short-term uncle-type) figures in the house as they've grown up, as long as they can remember - they've all been friends or friends-of-friends vouched for, and generally have all got on fine - thanks to rules very similar to the OP's. In fact almost every family I know has had a lodger of some sort at least for a while, though some are family members.

On my side I agree to use best efforts to keep children quiet before 7am/after 8pm,keep space clear for the lodger in the kitchen and dining area, bathroom and kitchen cleaned, etc.

Sounds absolutely fine to me. That's what I'd expect if I were staying/lodging in someone's home and how I like to live anyway. It would be less reasonable if you were equal flat sharers, but you're not. My lodger isn't allowed use of the living room or any guests over but my rent is really reasonable so not had trouble finding someone who is happy with the terms.

Geez, the bathroom thing is a bit much.

the point (not question), is therefore, "I shower every work day 6.45-7am and you need to fit in with that".

This.

Take it or leave it.

I actually think the bathroom thing is really accommodating, and I’d be relieved at the clarity of it. Unreasonable would be demanding to use the bathroom for an hour in the morning or bring generally awkward about its use. Most people can work around a 15 minute time slot, surely.

We have a lodger and, whilst we haven't made these things explicit, these all sound totally fair to me.

We rent a room to him, not to his friends, and have an understanding that he uses the sitting room only when we're out (we let him know when we're going to be out in the evening). There's no way I want people I don't know in our home, so he can't bring other people back and the only person we'd be happy to have staying is his partner, as long as we knew in advance.

Ask him which rules in particular he has an issue with. If they're non negotiable for you (eg smoking), get a new lodger.

No loud music or loud TV after 10pm - Fair
No smoking - Your prerogative, so fair
Has to ask my permission before having friends to stay - What about if they find a partner? I wouldn't feel like this was also my home if I had to ask permission to have someone over. It's one thing if they're irresponsible or loud when having people stay, but that's a bridge to cross at the time.
can't use the bathroom between 0645 and 0700 - this is fair and courteous, but I assume that he/she also has a 15 minute blocked period which is courteous for them?
Plates cutlery etc to be brought downstairs on the day they are used - This seems too ideal. They are a lodger but that doesn't mean you should control their behaviour. As long as the room is kept clean, I don't see why someone should feel as though they need to routinely clear the room for kitchenware each night. I'm assuming that they're an adult who is paying to live there? And not your nephew, or a friend's child or something?

redcarbluecar
I agree. The principle of not leaving things to fester makes perfect sense, as does 'I tend to use the bathroom at those times could you keep it clear please'.

My issue is the dictatorial all plates and cups must be brought down on the day and you cannot use the bathroom in these times at all. It feels very much like 'I am in charge so here's my way of reminding you that this is my house'. It's speaking and acting towards and adult how one might to a petulant teen. It's not a nice quality.

But all the 'Rules' are the same for everyone, surely? Those who are saying OP is like Hyacinth Bucket and being draconian - Really? So you like living in a smelly, smoky room, with piles of festering plates around you? Where you can meet a ONS stranger in the morning, when you need to get in the shower and get to work?

Ok then. Most normal people realise that they abide by these 'Rules' anyway, simply because they like living in a clean, fresh house with people that they know, and can work around 15 sodding minutes in the morning .

But I suspect most people coming on here are just here to give a kick to the OP, simply for being on AIBU. 'Lights out at 10pm' and 'Going Berserk when he wakes OP up coming in at midnight' are just 2 posts that have materialised out of thin air. OP NEVER said them. But hey, don't let the truth get in the way of a good kicking.

glint 'both having and being a lodger seems like the kind of thing most people stop doing after 30' - Judgemental much? Maybe a relationship breakdown, saving for a deposit, wanting a cheap way of life for a while before moving on, maybe wanting some company in the evenings.... You sound like Margaret Thatcher saying that men (people) shouldn't be using the bus after 30. Implying that they 'should' be in a BMW, presumably.

And you still havent explained why you can't go to DPs for sex, if your landlady won't allow you to have him/ONS overnight at short notice. Does his LL have the same 'Rule'?

I definitely think some of those rules are unreasonable. If the lodger farts and follows through at 6.44, he has to wait until 6 to get in the shower? If the lodger has a snack in his room before bed, he has to bring the plate down before going to sleep? Like a child? A bit much for me, and yes, on the 'take it or leave it' front, I would 'leave it', no question.

Great. Another extremist. Thanks Penggwyn.

How some of you get through life without worrying about every tiny deviation from the norm, I dont know. Or care.

I'm out.

Cider what are you reading? I am not a lodger, do not have a landlord and don’t have a DPs house I go to for sex

You talk about extremists? You’re making things up!

@ciderhouserules your first paragraph about festering rooms and meeting your housemates ONS in the morning sounds like my shared flat 😂 we’re both slobs, it works for us

Great. Another extremist. Thanks Penggwyn.

What on earth are you on about?

If the lodger farts and follows through at 6.44, he has to wait until 6 to get in the shower?
That's an extreme situation/exceptional circumstance, surely? Do you really think it's such an inflexible rule that OP would leave him standing outside soiled?

lodger has a snack in his room before bed, he has to bring the plate down before going to sleep?
There's a difference between that, in which case you bring it down in the morning, and leaving your dirty plates/bowls for days (which is why these rules usually happen, because some people do hoard used mugs and bowls in their rooms).

Amethystical

It was a rhetorical example. My point - obviously - is that specifying that someone can't use the bathroom at a particular time, rather than asking that they try to keep it free, ignores the fact that most people do, sometimes, need to use the bathroom unexpectedly.

Things like "but what if -xyz unlikely thing that is an exceptional circumstance requiring compromise etc- happened?" is what children do.

"I don't want to hear a peep out of you tonight."
"But what if I wet the bed? What if my bed breaks, do I sleep on a broken bed until morning? What if an alien comes down and sets my room on fire with their lasers, should I die quietly?"

Of course not

it was a rhetorical example. My point - obviously - is that specifying that someone can't use the bathroom at a particular time, rather than asking that they try to keep it free, ignores the fact that most people do, sometimes, need to use the bathroom unexpectedly.

I don't know anyone who would read that rule and assume that no compromise was to be made through. It just seems like common sense that if something out of the ordinary happens, rules can change.