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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL not to drink tea

298 replies

KittyKat73 · 11/07/2018 08:55

AIBU to ask my MIL not to drink tea when she is holding my baby?

I thought this seemed like a reasonable request but every single time she seems him she trys to hold him and drink a cup of tea. every single time I ask her not to incase she spills some by mistake or he knocks it out her hand by accident.

My baby is now 5 months but she has done this ever since he was born and last time I saw her she made a snidey remark about me being too precious to let her have tea and hold him. She has 2 other grandchildren who are older (aged 1 and 4) so im guessing by her reaction to me she used to drink tea and hold them all the time.

I just dont think its worth the risk but being made to feel like im being ridiculous and actually anxious when we see her because i know she will attempt to try and do it even though every single time I ask her not to.

OP posts:

YorkieDorkie · 11/07/2018 12:04

I remember reading some facts given to me in a booklet from my midwife. I have no idea of the actual statistics as it was a while ago but I remember being blown away by the number of babies being scolded by hot drinks.

lynzpynz · 11/07/2018 12:05

Don’t get into the world of making excuses or you’ll never stop, tell her straight you don’t want her holding baby whilst handling hot tea (repeat if needed!). If she rolls eyes just call her on it - “are you rolling your eyes at me for not wanting my baby near potentially scalding hot tea?!” She probably relies on you being too polite to get away with it! As for her demanding tea - point out to her where the kettle is or better yet pre-empt and tell her on arrival to help herself if she wants any...

Wonder if she’d like her tea served in a sippy cup...?

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 11/07/2018 12:06

YANBU
My friend's toddler ended up with 3rd degree burns and required a skin graft due to a hit cup of tea being spilled on her. Not worth the risk.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 11/07/2018 12:07

*hot cup of tea

ittakes2 · 11/07/2018 12:11

OMG - my husband was burnt with hot water as a toddler and had to have several skin grafts. If my mother tried to do that - I think he would ban her from seeing the baby.

Anon12345ABC · 11/07/2018 12:13

Don't 'run out of milk'. Tell her straight she isn't having a hot drink because she is disrespectful and cannot follow a simple safety instruction. Then show her the results of babies and children being scarred from hot drinks. I wouldn't let her babysit ever. Someone like that will do exactly what they want the moment your back is turned.

Duskqueen · 11/07/2018 12:14

I would show her this thread, especially the bit about it being common sense, implying she doesn't have any, see what she says then.

Hissy · 11/07/2018 12:20

Mummy's a bit precious??

Has she ever seen what even surface burns look like?

My DS had burns at 8yo that were 13% of his body - 10 days in hospital and 2 ops. I will never unsee what I saw that day. Even the paramedic was traumatised. Hot water. a large mugful.

the one thing the hospital was VERY strict on was that ALL hot drinks we had in hospital had to be in a lidded travel mug. It's so important even generally.

Until your MIL gets this, she can't hold your child and have a cuppa.

"MIL, you can hold the baby OR have a cuppa, not both. what do you want first?"

SEcond the not allowing babysitting or unsupervised visits. Tell her too that you don't actually trust her to do what is absolutely right for the baby and for you.

smithsinarazz · 11/07/2018 12:22

Silly cow. What's wrong with some people? "I'm going to put your kid in danger because otherwise I'd have to admit to myself that I've endangered my own kids and other grandchildren. And I'm going to pretend it's you that's at fault." Gaaaaaaaaaah.

Tinkobell · 11/07/2018 12:27

Unbelievably selfish! Years ago my sister always used to hold my newborn and not support her head...let it just lol around. I used to sit there awkwardly hating every second. Don't let that happen to you .....your way or the highway!

WeaselsRising · 11/07/2018 12:28

oh god I had the exact same argument with my own grandmother 32 years ago. You don't expect to have to spell it out. Surely it's common sense.

CaledonianQueen · 11/07/2018 12:29

@Seasawride my medal is the six-actually seven years, in August- of being NC! I cannot stress how blissful it has been! My dh and I haven’t had a single argument since then! DH is occasionally in touch by email/ messenger but he is an expert at grey rock.

Off topic but I stopped contact between dc and in-laws when (my disability SW) SS informed me that continued contact would be considered a safeguarding issue (she had checked with children’s &families team and would have had to refer us if I hadn’t stopped contact). DH was completely supportive, his therapist actually told him (after he told her that I had stopped contact and why) that if she had not heard that I had stopped contact, she would have had to report us to SS too, due to the same safeguarding risk! (Psychological/ emotionally abusive/ danger of kidnapping risk)

I never stopped dh from having contact with his parents, he decided that himself. He was also amazing at standing up for me!

@KittyKat73 My advice is, if you think that your inlaws are a danger to your dc, then if possible stop all contact. If you are not sure but have a toxic relationship with them and they lack common sense like my inlaws did, then don’t allow them unsupervised contact. If your dh is alone with your dc and inlaws then make sure he knows he is 100% responsible for their safety! If possible though, make sure that you are there for contact, or another adult that you trust is also there (eg. If your dh has a ds/ dB who are more on the ball with safety)

Tanith · 11/07/2018 12:29

You can google for images of scalded children, if you have the stomach for it.

I once cared for a child who’d been scalded like this as a toddler: she had a skin-tight longsleeved medical vest that could not be removed for months and has still ended up scarred for life.

Unbelievable that a loving grandmother is prepared to risk her baby grandchild just for a bloody cup of tea!

Roomba · 11/07/2018 12:31

I remember I was given a leaflet warning by midwives after I had DS1, about hot drinks and babies/toddlers. The HV specifically mentioned it at her first visit too. Were you given one of these? If so you could try showing it to your MIL and pointing out it what she's doing would be seen as stupid if not outright neglectful by health professionals? A boy in my primary class who had horrific scarring all down one arm, due to a cup of tea being spilled on him.

janaus · 11/07/2018 12:33

I am a grandmother of 6. I did not need to be asked. Just common sense.

RockingDuck · 11/07/2018 12:40

it's not even easy or pleasant to have a cup of tea while holding a baby she's being a bat

Roomba · 11/07/2018 12:41

Also, DS2 was scalded when he turned the hot tap on himself with his head right under it in the bath. Due to the heating being on full and the dishwasher drawing cold water out if the system, the water came out far, far hotter than normal. It burned me as I turned it off too. I have never heard a sound like his scream, it haunts me. He was very fortunate that I turned the cold tap on his head instantly and kept him there until the ambulance arrived, then they put stuff on the scald and took him in. No scarring, thank god, only due to prompt treatment. If it had been a hot drink, soaked into his clothing so held next to his skin for longer and he hasn't been right under the cold tap... I dread to think.

People do daft things like this without thinking, even people who should know better. In A&E I had two different nurses tell me they'd spilled hot drinks on their toddlers. I know they were trying to ease my guilt and reassure me, but you'd think they'd know better having seen the results?

And yes, I've had so many people put hot drinks down right next to babies/toddlers in cafes. In fact, DS1 had blisters on all his fingers after he dipped them in a boiling hot chocolate that my FIL had just had put on the table in front of him in a cafe! He was 3 at the time. Had forgotten that til just now.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 11/07/2018 12:44

If she wants a cuppa she can have one, away from the baby.

My friend’s DD was about 2 when she grabbed at a hot cup of tea. She only had a few small splashes on her but was admitted to hospital.

An adult friend of mine nearly died as a toddler after pulling a pan of boiling water over themselves. They were in hospital for over a year.

Rednaxela · 11/07/2018 12:48

Set boundaries now. Firmly no discussion or asking nicely.

Or else you are in for a lifetime of this woman controlling you and DC, sneering and undermining, putting your child at risk. She simply has no respect for you.

The tea is a symptom of the underlying problem, which is her attitude problem towards you!

She has had her turn to bring up kids how she saw fit. You are the parent now, it's your turn.

Shutupsidney · 11/07/2018 12:49

my colleague had scars on his neck from hot tea

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 11/07/2018 12:54

Remember that it’s your baby and you are responsible for and in charge of him.

My kids are up now and I still won’t have a tea or coffee around them if we’re on a train or plane and they’re right next to me, just in case.

SandAndSea · 11/07/2018 13:00

I don't understand these mils who have so little respect for their dils. She's obviously out of order and she's bloomin' rude to you!! Well done for standing up for yourself.

FrayedHem · 11/07/2018 13:01

A relative of mine used to do the talking through baby to make passive-aggressive comments thing. It stopped when I started directly replying to her. So if she had said "oh i forgot I'm not allowed to cuddle you while I have tea because mummy says so, mummys a bit precious" I would say, "No I'm not being precious, I'm making sure he doesn't get seriously hurt"
The reply I got in return was always "I'm just joking" but it did end after a couple of times of responding directly.

diddl · 11/07/2018 13:05

"'i forgot im not allowed to hold you mummy's so precious' makes me wonder why you're still seeing her!"

I can't help thinking the same.

She doesn't respect you-maybe doesn't even like you.

Why bother?

9amTrain · 11/07/2018 13:05

She sounds like a fucking dickhead.

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