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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother??

237 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:27

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost Hmm It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently Hmm

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 10/07/2018 10:19

Ignore pram OP she is just trying to get a rise out of you. I see that she is now just insulting SAHMs to see if that will goad a few more people. It's a bit pathetic

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:20

She can see how your husband treats you!

You being my aunt is sounding more and more possible Grin

How, for the sake of playing the game, does my husband treat me?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:21

Ignore pram OP she is just trying to get a rise out of you. I see that she is now just insulting SAHMs to see if that will goad a few more people. It's a bit pathetic

I don't understand. She seems very oddly invested and determined to see my mother's side, even when there isn't any.

OP posts:
BuggeringNora · 10/07/2018 10:24

Sorry if this has been covered, but if your mum and DH really do hate each other then why the hell would you all want to go on holiday together??? It sounds horrific!

PramCush · 10/07/2018 10:27

* How, for the sake of playing the game, does my husband treat me?*

Um, he is controlling and manipulative. You just said.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:31

Sorry if this has been covered, but if your mum and DH really do hate each other then why the hell would you all want to go on holiday together??? It sounds horrific!

There was one big fight on a holiday once.

Other than that, DH is very good at only hearing the stuff he feels is worthy of a reply Grin

He's willing to put up with her for a short holiday, and he gets on decently with my dad.

My mother's reaction to this is probably the reason I didn't put a stop to the holidays all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:32

he is controlling and manipulative. You just said.

On occasions. It literally happened twice.

Besides, my mother would be beyond hypocritical to complain about that - if she even knew.

OP posts:
PramCush · 10/07/2018 10:33

OP, if you were to do the mature thing, and work on your relationship with your mother (rather than the ungrateful going LC/NC), you would reaslise that "always" language isn't helpful (e.g. you always do this). Obviously she raised you and sacrificed for you and loved you. Those are things she also did. It is cruel to write all of that off because you've had a tiff and she's been a bit of a dick. This is what I mean by being mature. A bit of balance.

PramCush · 10/07/2018 10:37

Other than that, DH is very good at only hearing the stuff he feels is worthy of a reply

Jesus, he sounds like he is vile to your mum.** So he just ignores her? Unless he feels what she has said is "worthy of a reply"? My God.

BuggeringNora · 10/07/2018 10:41

Ok, but god, it all just sounds so massively stressful. He knows she doesn't like him, she knows he doesn't like her.....there must be a fair amount of tip toeing around on eggshells going on. I couldn't deal with that on my holidays - I go away to chill out and relax. Why don't you just holiday separately? Oh, and I'm afraid I'd be telling your aunt to butt the fuck out in no uncertain terms - nosey cow!!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:43

OP, if you were to do the mature thing, and work on your relationship with your mother (rather than the ungrateful going LC/NC), you would reaslise that "always" language isn't helpful (e.g. you always do this).

Since I was a child it has been my job to be "mature" in order to pacify my mother. Let it go, apologise first, ignore her. She was my parent - it was not my job.

Now we are adults and yes, our maturity should be on the same level. But no - she's incapable of doing so. She called up my child instead of sorting out with me.

I will not put her before my children. And perhaps it's time to stop putting her before me. It's clear she doesn't want to work on our relationship - if that was so, her message would be very different. She wants things to go back to the way they were before.

Obviously she raised you and sacrificed for you and loved you. Those are things she also did. It is cruel to write all of that off because you've had a tiff and she's been a bit of a dick. This is what I mean by being mature. A bit of balance.

Raised me? Yes.
Sacrificed for me? Never.
Loved me? I hope.

We haven't "had a tiff." How minimising could you be?

There is no balance in any of her relationships with anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:46

Ok, but god, it all just sounds so massively stressful. He knows she doesn't like him, she knows he doesn't like her.....there must be a fair amount of tip toeing around on eggshells going on. I couldn't deal with that on my holidays - I go away to chill out and relax. Why don't you just holiday separately? Oh, and I'm afraid I'd be telling your aunt to butt the fuck out in no uncertain terms - nosey cow!!

Generally we do go alone - it is much less stressful, predictably. When my parents are there generally my father and I do a lot of changing the subject.

My aunt, thankfully, hasn't been spectacularly involved since I told her that her input was unappreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 10:52

Jesus, he sounds like he is vile to your mum. So he just ignores her? Unless he feels what she has said is "worthy of a reply"? My God.

I mean he ignores the stuff she's saying to get a rise out of him (or me) and focuses on something else she's said.

For example, one holiday she was complaining that my swimsuit was too revealing and where I had got it and DH bought it because he was a pervert, essentially Hmm

I had been there and chosen and bought the costume myself!

DH just replied that it was from Boux Avenue and didn't engage with any of the rest of it.

OP posts:
BuggeringNora · 10/07/2018 10:52

Hopefully your aunt has got the message now, but if not don't be afraid to keep reinforcing the point that your relationship with your mother is none of her business. If your mum chooses to go crying to her that's her lookout, but that doesn't mean you have to engage with her.
Regarding the holidays, as they have obviously become a flashpoint, just stick to going separately from now on. You never know, your daughter's anxiety might suddenly improve once she knows she's not going to have to deal with Critical Granny......Wink

DingDongDenny · 10/07/2018 10:53

I will not put her before my children. And perhaps it's time to stop putting her before me. It's clear she doesn't want to work on our relationship - if that was so, her message would be very different. She wants things to go back to the way they were before.

I think you've cracked it here - you need to write that out read it every time you feel a wobble and a desire to placate here

DingDongDenny · 10/07/2018 10:53

her not here

BuggeringNora · 10/07/2018 10:57

For example, one holiday she was complaining that my swimsuit was too revealing and where I had got it and DH bought it because he was a pervert, essentially 

Jesus Christ.
What the fuck has it got to do with her what you, a grown woman, choose to wear around the pool. I'd have told her to keep her nasty opinions to herself whilst mentally vowing to never go away with her again.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 11:03

@BuggeringNora

She criticises my clothes all the time, she always has done.

I stopped fighting with her about it some time during my teenage years but as soon as I moved out I bought clothes that I actually liked again.

Even though she doesn't get to dictate what I wear now, she still makes her opinion very clear. I think at this point I just naturally block her out!

My aunt and mum have both been very quiet, which is suspicious good. Hopefully, when it comes to argumrnts between my mother and I, my aunt stays quiet forevermore!

I do certainly think that DD will feel less anxious without my mother there.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 11:09

I think you've cracked it here - you need to write that out read it every time you feel a wobble and a desire to placate here

I keep "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" on a post it note above my desk... maybe it's time to write a new one and put it there too!

It does keep you strong having a reminder that you're looking at every day.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/07/2018 11:19

Ignore your awful mother and your horrible aunt. You don’t have to answer their calls and messages, you don’t have to justify yourself to them, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. A holiday in the UK sounds very reasonable given your daughter’s recent diagnosis and you can build up her confidence around travelling and flying in the future. Right now she just needs you to stand up for her.

Some posters here seem weirdly invested in being contrary. Hmm Not all parents have their childrens’ best interests at heart, unfortunately.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 10/07/2018 11:24

It's interesting that you're a person of faith. Does your mum have a faith too?

Sounds like you're trying very hard to do the right thing. It is not unloving to set boundaries, though. Your aunt has nothing to do with this and your priority (as of course you realise) is to your daughter. If your mum can't behave in a loving way towards her (and she sounds pretty toxic at the moment), she does have a choice - respect your authority as a parent and your right to make these calls, or accept distance. That is a more loving thing to do IMO than to allow her a free rein for her anger, fear-mongering and manipulation.

Lisabel · 10/07/2018 11:26

Your mother.

Would the stress of going abroad impact on your daughter's seizures? If so definitely tell your Mum that. It does sound like she lacks empathy for her granddaughter.

I guess the options would be:

  • Go on a little family holiday in the UK for the five of you.
  • Don't go on holiday.
  • Travel by ferry if your daughter can manage it and go to somewhere like France.
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 11:29

Would the stress of going abroad impact on your daughter's seizures? If so definitely tell your Mum that. It does sound like she lacks empathy for her granddaughter.

Stress is one of her triggers so yes, probably.

But things have progressed a little so thankfully no holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 11:33

It's interesting that you're a person of faith. Does your mum have a faith too?

Yes, I was brought up Christian. When I was younger it felt much like an obligation unfortunately, until I chose my own church at uni and my faith became separate from my parents'. They are very literal and the Church I went to was very homophobic and misogynistic, which made it difficult for me to put much faith in it, and I never really felt the Holy Spirit there.

Now my faith has never been stronger.

If your mum can't behave in a loving way towards her (and she sounds pretty toxic at the moment), she does have a choice - respect your authority as a parent and your right to make these calls, or accept distance. That is a more loving thing to do IMO than to allow her a free rein for her anger, fear-mongering and manipulation.

I think accepting that I am an adult and a patent might be good for my mother. But mostly I'm thinking of DD and my other DC, who knows what she could do to them.

OP posts:
Lisabel · 10/07/2018 11:33

Oh also as the daughter of someone who always put her own mother (my grandmother) first to the detriment of me and my siblings, I think it's great that you're putting your unwell daughter first.