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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to take the morning after pill

238 replies

Stillwishihadabs · 08/07/2018 16:43

So background I am 42 and happily married 2 DC s (14&11). Having used the cooper coil for 10 years (since DCs) I have recently have some gynae issues so have to have it removed. I had a couple of months on the mini pill, but had horrific side effects and understand that the mirena would be similar. So approxiamately 2 weeks ago I stopped taking it and basically told DH I was sick of messing about with my body and it was up to him. Last night after the footy and a few drinks we DTD. I asked him if he was going to use a condom and he said "where are you in your cycle?" To which I replied " I haven't a clue" ( true, no period since stopping mini pill). I wouldn't mind being PG I have an excellent job with good maternity pay, a people carrier and a 4/5 bed house. Also one of my school friends has recently announced her pregnancy which made me go "ahhh". Today DH seems freaked out by what happened and is asking me to take emergency contraception. AIBU to refuse ? I think he needs to step up with contraception if he doesn't want another DC. I have a feeling that if I do this it will remain my responsibility.

OP posts:
Iamtryingtobenicehere · 08/07/2018 17:11

Yanbu if you want a baby.

Only you know whether you and DH want another baby.

slashlover · 08/07/2018 17:15

Was this not discussed in the 2 weeks since you stopped taking the pill?

Ethylred · 08/07/2018 17:16

What a pair of knobs. Yes, you OP, and your husband.

Apehouse · 08/07/2018 17:16

Don’t take it if you don’t want to.

Bluetrews25 · 08/07/2018 17:19

Going 'ahhh' over a friend being pregnant and actually wanting to go alllll the way back to the beginning and do it again personally are 2 very different things. You can admire your friend's baby, and then be relieved you don't have to do night feeds, nappies etc.
Personally, I'd take the damn MAP, but not let on, because, as you said, if you do it this time, he will expect you to carry on the responsibility ever more. A bit of a scare might make him sort stuff out in the future.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 08/07/2018 17:20

wouldn't mind being pregnant

Having had a baby relatively recently and with an age gap it is quite the shock to the system and I'd say it needs to be a decision you're both on board with.
If you want to do the "blink" game to give him a shock then by all means tell him you haven't taken any contraception but for heaven's sake go and take the pill and then have a proper think and discussion about what you really want.
Your lives would be totally disrupted - yours and your DCs. GCSE's through teething and night coughs for eldest being the least of your worries! I'm not against big age gaps btw - I have one, am from one and so is my H so am merely familiar with the implications!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/07/2018 17:22

Maybe this should have been discussed during Half Time and before you had a post footy shag

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 08/07/2018 17:23

Don’t take it and tell him to go and get the snip if he wants to end your family here.

itswinetime · 08/07/2018 17:24

I agree don't mind being pregnant and I want a baby are 2 different things. You need to stop thinking about who is right or wrong and scoring points and be realistic.

Do you want a baby? Do you want to add to your family and all that goes with it? Are you fully prepared to do it alone if your DH decides to walk?

I agree with you in principle contraception is now his concern but it takes two to have sex and it's not any potential child's fault. Make a choice based on the bigger picture not point scoring and I wouldn't be having unprotected sex again till you a DH are on the same page.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 08/07/2018 17:26

Whilst DTD, drunk, is the wrong time to discuss contraception.

This should have been talked about as sober adults willing to face the consequences of a pregnancy.

Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 08/07/2018 17:31

Thanks for all your responses. Yes we have had the conversation that's where I said I wasn't messing about with my body any more and it was his responsibility eg; use a condom or get the snip. Having said that and then choosing to have unprotected sex for me = not that bothered about pregnancy. To then renage and say I should take more hormones seems UR. Not quite sure why that makes us nobs TBh but thanks

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2018 17:33

So approxiamately 2 weeks ago I stopped taking it and basically told DH I was sick of messing about with my body and it was up to him.

OP appears to actually have discussed the contraception issue when she was sober. 2 weeks prior to his refusal/inability to use a condom but wanting to DTD anyway. And now he's putting it back on you to sort it out?

I'd be furious, too, OP, even if you hadn't discussed having another baby with him if that was a possible want for you. Or at least an idea that you wouldn't be unhappy about.

OP's partner still wants her to deal with contraception. She's done enough: she's had their children and taken charge of contraception for most of their relationship by the sounds of it. And now she's told him it's his turn to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. When they were sober. And he has failed. And wants her to take drugs to sort it out.

He's an asshole. Not sure I'd want another child with him, tbh, but also not sure I'd want to stay with such a selfish prick.

Racecardriver · 08/07/2018 17:34

YANBU not to take it if you don't want it but you have to accept the consequences if you wind up pregnant and not just blame it on your husband (both of you are responsible for contraception). You should also refuse to have sex unless you husband either sorts out his own contraceptive (gets the snip basically) or he agrees to another baby. Otherwise you will likely find yourself having to decide between a happy husband or an abortion.

KimKatCourtney · 08/07/2018 17:36

It’s really unlikely you would fall pregnant but in your situation no I wouldn’t take it, likelihood is it will force him to start accepting some responsibility for contraception

Seasawride · 08/07/2018 17:37

Of course it makes you a bit silly at your ages though.

You should both be on the same page. If he doesn’t want more kids he needs the snip and if you ‘don’t mind being pregnant’ you should have that honest convo and discuss it without alcohol and then dtd unprotected.

We had a large age gap after dc4 and ended up with twins. Shock

However we both wanted more. But trust me it’s hard to start over again to sleepless nights and all that palace. And I was 6 years younger then you op. Honestly think it really through.

Nousernameforme · 08/07/2018 17:38

I agree he was willing to take the risk last night then a pregnancy is something he can't be that against.

If you don't want to take the MaP you don't have to. Tell him again contraception is now his job and if he doesn't want to wear condoms or get snipped then its either no sex or a possible baby.

Seasawride · 08/07/2018 17:40

BewareOfDragons

So you think the op should leave her dh abd break up her family because they were both stupid and had drunk unprotected sex.

Seriously really??

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2018 17:40

I don’t understand how you let it get this far.

You want him to take responsibility for contraception but you still had unprotected sex. No condom, no sex.

GameOfMinges · 08/07/2018 17:41

It's not unreasonable to not want to take MAP if you are happy with the potential consequences of not taking it.

I don't, however, think it was very sensible to have unprotected sex with someone who you know doesn't want a child. Even though he's completely in the wrong in his belief that he ought to be able to ejaculate as irresponsibly as he likes, and not take any responsibility for it. But I would not want to be placed in this position again by him, which it sounds like you probably will be if you have more unprotected sex.

BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2018 17:45

That's not what I said.

EveningHare · 08/07/2018 17:47

Not quite sure why that makes us nobs TBh but thanks

No, what makes you nobs is the fact you are prepared to have a baby because you are sulking

PlaymobilPirate · 08/07/2018 17:50

Will he stand by you if you're pregnant or would it be a deal breaker for him?

If you're certain it wouldn't be the start of the end I'd not take it. If you do you're setting yourself up for him always expecting you to take it.

Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 08/07/2018 17:50

Thanks again all, still considering what to do.Just to clarify it was a few drinks, not blind drunk ( 2 beers each). Also I even said last night "wouldn't it be romantic, we could call it Samara as a middle name". So I think I was quite clear that by carrying without a condom pregnancy was a possibility.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 08/07/2018 17:53

Why did you just not have sex? If you were both drunk and both clearly decided to risk it, I understand him now being sober and thinking fuck, what have I done. Hopefully it’s a wake up call for him. I’d probably take it if we weren’t trying for any more but you don’t have to. Saying you aren’t bothered if you get pregnant isn’t the same as not minding another baby though.

GabsAlot · 08/07/2018 17:53

not to go into detail this happened to someone i know came off the pill due to certain health reasons told her partner who just agreed and they still had sex

rollon 2 months and shes pregnant and he walked away-dont play games its not worth it