AIBU to refuse to take the morning after pill

[Stillwishihadabs]

So background I am 42 and happily married 2 DC s (14&11). Having used the cooper coil for 10 years (since DCs) I have recently have some gynae issues so have to have it removed. I had a couple of months on the mini pill, but had horrific side effects and understand that the mirena would be similar. So approxiamately 2 weeks ago I stopped taking it and basically told DH I was sick of messing about with my body and it was up to him. Last night after the footy and a few drinks we DTD. I asked him if he was going to use a condom and he said "where are you in your cycle?" To which I replied " I haven't a clue" ( true, no period since stopping mini pill). I wouldn't mind being PG I have an excellent job with good maternity pay, a people carrier and a 4/5 bed house. Also one of my school friends has recently announced her pregnancy which made me go "ahhh". Today DH seems freaked out by what happened and is asking me to take emergency contraception. AIBU to refuse ? I think he needs to step up with contraception if he doesn't want another DC. I have a feeling that if I do this it will remain my responsibility.

Gunny, feminism to me is about equality of opportunity. Pay gaps are to do with how our society has been set up and nothing to do with biology.
Women don't generally choose to have children by themselves - there is a father, who gets to carry on as before. This is because often the family cannot afford the childcare if both parents return to work, or because the parents want one of them to be a sahp and it's usually the woman because it is not a societal norm for men to do it. If we structured society so that men were as likely to care for their babies as women, we would not have so much discrimination in the workplace or earning gaps.

In all honesty, I don't see men being forced to become fathers against their will. The law insists on child support which in no way covers what it actually costs to raise a child. He isn't forced by law to be a part of that child's life - lots of men can and do walk away.

Gunny this is a massive derailment of the OP’s thread. Plenty of opportunities to discuss this elsewhere. Mind you I suspect you’ll have your arse handed to you on FWR but since you’re usually right it shouldn’t bother you much

I'm not sure how science backs you up, as babies have been known to survive when born earlier than that, very rare of course, but it happens. Also there's a heartbeat long before 24 weeks and the foetus starts to move before then as well.

The law backs you up in this country, but the legal limit is earlier in other European countries. So it's pretty arbitrary and doesn't prove much.

I hardly think the world over it's true that more men are forced to be fathers against their will. In India and China everything favours the men. And in Africa as well. Even if they become fathers against their will, they don't have to do anything about it, the woman is left holding the baby.

In the Western world you do have a point, as women do have more rights and have autonomy over their bodies. But men do still walk away regularly with impunity.

I'm not saying you shouldn't disagree, that's your right. But rudeness isn't on, it actually weakens your argument.

In any case, our personal opinions are not really the point here. There are a lot of women on Mumsnet who are firmly pro choice but wouldn't have one themselves. What you're arguing is that they should go against their instincts and terminate their pregnancy if their partner doesn't want a child in the case of a genuine contraception failure. Because that's the only way a man could opt out of parenthood.

I'm very sure some women do just that. Because they have to choose between having a baby and their relationship and obviously sometimes they don't want their relationship to end.

But no one on Mumsnet would advise her to terminate her pregnancy just because her partner didn't want a baby. The advice would be to do what's right for her. It's an agonising decision for a lot of women.

I don't see that there's a solution to this so in essence we're just going round in circles.

@bakedlikeabun

People seem to strangely proud of how hostile FWR is. The only reason people "have their arse handed to them" is because it's not debate; more shouting and refusing to engage with any contrary ideas. I've enjoyed reading others considered opinion here. I find, despite it's reputation, discussions like this on AIBU tend to be less agressive and certainly more of a mix of opinions instead of an echo chamber of feminists (is that the correct collective noun?) congratulating each other.

@Lizzie48

What you're arguing is that they should go against their instincts and terminate their pregnancy if their partner doesn't want a child in the case of a genuine contraception failure. Because that's the only way a man could opt out of parenthood.

Absolutely not. I'm suggesting (and remember I called my position 'on the fence but leaning towards') a man being able to opt out of fatherhood at a very early (MAP) stage. This doesn't remove any autonomy from the woman as she can continue the pregnancy or not.

"I don't see that there's a solution to this so in essence we're just going round in circles."

There is. Giving men the option to opt out of fatherhood before x weeks. We allow women to. You and I clearly disagree over whether this is fair or, maybe, whether this unfairness is acceptable.

Anyway, we are going around in circles. Enjoy your weekend.

Yes it has been a good debate, though PPs are right that it hasn't been fair on the OP to derail her thread.

Having said that, I would like to point something else out. Men sometimes panic when their partner becomes pregnant and ask their partner to terminate the pregnancy. But then they come round to the idea of having the baby later on. A lot then become great dads. Whereas some men who bang on about wanting a child don't step up to the plate when the baby has been born. It's really not at all clearcut IRL.

It sounds as if the OP's DH will be a very good dad if it turns out that she is in fact pregnant. If you're still reading this thread, OP, I hope you haven't been put off by the way this thread has gone. We would like to know the outcome.

"We would like to know the outcome."

[thums:up]

Patience my friends 14 days since we dtd cycle is all to cock so no real idea when to expect AF, stopped bleeding on the 28/29th June so will test next week sometime if no sign

gunnyBear I agree and you type it much better than I could.

But op let us know next week, I think if I was in your position I’d already be testing, I think I’d have become excited at the thought of another baby even if a little worried lol

Well did a test this am -bfn which I am not surprised about and probably quite relieved tbh- especially for our existing children. Still no AF, no idea at all when to expect it tbh.

Is he going to take responsibility, going forward?

So what will happen going forward with contraception? If he refuses to put on a condom will you just have sex anyway or will you say no? Just curious given your last post you are relieved.

There probably wasn't much chance of you getting pregnant anyway, under the circumstances. But you do need to be on the same page about this, otherwise you'll have this come up again.

I really think he gets it now. Are you always this black and white quack ?