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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to take the morning after pill

238 replies

Stillwishihadabs · 08/07/2018 16:43

So background I am 42 and happily married 2 DC s (14&11). Having used the cooper coil for 10 years (since DCs) I have recently have some gynae issues so have to have it removed. I had a couple of months on the mini pill, but had horrific side effects and understand that the mirena would be similar. So approxiamately 2 weeks ago I stopped taking it and basically told DH I was sick of messing about with my body and it was up to him. Last night after the footy and a few drinks we DTD. I asked him if he was going to use a condom and he said "where are you in your cycle?" To which I replied " I haven't a clue" ( true, no period since stopping mini pill). I wouldn't mind being PG I have an excellent job with good maternity pay, a people carrier and a 4/5 bed house. Also one of my school friends has recently announced her pregnancy which made me go "ahhh". Today DH seems freaked out by what happened and is asking me to take emergency contraception. AIBU to refuse ? I think he needs to step up with contraception if he doesn't want another DC. I have a feeling that if I do this it will remain my responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 09/07/2018 08:22

I do understand the "take it this once then stand firm "comments. However if I do that what will be different next time ?
I think this isn't a bad one to stand firm on as chance of pregnancy is actually probably quite low, it's likely to be higher next time. I think there is a better arguement for taking it but not necessarily letting him know or not till he has sorted something out.

OP posts:
GameOfMinges · 09/07/2018 09:03

As you know DH and you think that using EC and telling him about using it would basically amount to enabling him to continue refusing to take responsibility, I think we have to assume there's something to that.

However I still wouldn't have PIV sex with him again without either a condom or a vasectomy. Otherwise you really will just end up in this same position again, except without the degree of protection that may have been afforded by very recent mini pill (I don't know whether it would or not but taking your word for what the leaflet said).

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 09:04

Well he doesnt really want one though does he? So whilst pregnancy may occur which is what you want, i wouldnt want a half arsed partner who didnt really want a baby just to prove a point. Thats all.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/07/2018 09:12

The thing is though. He shouldn't have gone paddling without his wellies, should he. He's a big boy I'm sure he knows all about the birds and the bees

specialsubject · 09/07/2018 09:13

ffs. one of you gets sterilised, you use real contraception (not withdrawal as some fool suggested) or you don t have sex. same as it has always been, same as it is for everyone.

point scoring playground games are for children.

CantChoose · 09/07/2018 09:30

Under your circumstances I wouldn't take it either, OP.
Especially f you had SEs with the minipill - the MAP is basically a giant minipill so you might well feel terrible for a couple of days after taking it. I really don't see why you should given that he had to option to wear a condom but didn't. Why should his 'comfort' and wants trump yours?!

Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 09/07/2018 09:35

Thanks for that special subject I have managed to reach 42 with 2 (planned) DC having been sexually active for 26 years without realising - thanks for explaining it to me.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 09/07/2018 09:54

playground queen bee sarcasm doesnt change science. it does confirm my earlier assessment.

try to understand correlation or causation - which are too difficult concepts for most on here.

plenty of pull out parents here too.

you got lucky. doesnt change the facts.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/07/2018 09:56

I don't see why the OP should get sterilised - she's taken all the responsibility so far. When is it his turn to grow the fuck up and do his bit? Especially since the OP would be quite happy to have another baby and he is the one who doesn't want to!

Original poster
Stillwishihadabs · 09/07/2018 10:00

Special subject I understand contraception I have used it effectively since I was 16. I had to have a coil ( reliable form of contraception I had been using effectively for 10 years) removed in April because I developed complications. I then tried another effective form of contraception, but was bleeding heavily 3 weeks out of the 6 I took it, so stopped (on medical advice). At that time I explained to DH that in order to prevent pregnancy he would need to use condoms ( which he had acsess to). I do not think these are the actions of a child, explain why you think they are ?

OP posts:
lennyisnuts · 09/07/2018 10:04

Your body, your choice! If DH doesn't want any more children there are things HE can do. It's time for him to take some responsibility also.

Hogtini · 09/07/2018 10:15

I really don't understand pp calling the DH an asshole, selfish prick, childish and so on. Yes the DH should have worn a condom but if he was proceeding without then surely the op has a tongue in her head to say hey hang on etc!?There was no co-ercing here and with the DH having access to condoms then short of the op having her hands tied around her back then she did too. Even as a teen I've stopped situations like this. Sex is two people and so both had a choice and were entirely responsible.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/07/2018 10:18

The difference hog, is that OP is quite happy to get pg and it is the dh who would prefer not to have another dc.So instead of taking action himself, he has sex without contraception and now wants her to take a pill which makes her unwell, just because he didn't want to use a condom. That's what makes him selfish.

LuMarie · 09/07/2018 10:21

I wouldn't take it in that situation.

You aren't averse to the idea of another (I'm reading it as a "not trying but if it happens it happens and would be happy with that"), if he is so against it he should be taking responsibility yes.

Seasawride · 09/07/2018 10:22

Honestly op I don’t understand mind games in relationships I couldn’t be arsed and we love and respect each other too much for all this crap.

You were both daft and careless but my view is you want a baby and you encouraged him to have unprotected sex and now you are ‘taking a stand’ hoping you are preggers and then
You put the fault into him saying you told him to use a condom and he didn’t do it’s his fault tough tit.

You are playing with fire op in my opinion and you are both irresponsible especially when this cavalier attitude involves a baby.

I had my twins in my late 30s it’s vety very different from babies in early 20s, that’s easy. It gets much harder in your body and you are 42!

LuMarie · 09/07/2018 10:29

What on earth is going on on this thread!

OP, this is all madness (and ridiculously rude) here.

It seems you have your mind, relationship, life and family in a good place. I think you are being very reasonable and thinking through a good point in a healthy way.

Good luck either way:)

CantChoose · 09/07/2018 10:52

Yes, exactly what @IWannaSeeHowItEnds said. Couldn't agree more.

bakedlikeabun · 09/07/2018 10:53

ffs. one of you gets sterilised, you use real contraception (not withdrawal as some fool suggested) or you don t have sex
What’s wrong with using a real contraceptive method like a condom? Oh yes, poor diddums man would have to take charge of that and maybe not enjoy himself quite as much.
This thread is making me really angry. The internalised sexism is depressing

BrownTurkey · 09/07/2018 11:02

I would take it but not tell him and also keep mentioning any funny feelings or symptoms I get (so he can't push it to the back of his mind). For three months.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 11:23

From what the OP has said on here, it's highly unlikely that she'll get pregnant anyway. So I'm not sure why you're all going on about it so much. But I probably would take the MAP in this instance, but make it clear that he needs to take responsibility for contraception in the future, he can so easily go and have the snip if he knows he really doesn't want any more DC.

Dljlr · 09/07/2018 11:31

I think you take it and don't tell him, and don't shag him again until he's stuck a condom on it. He sounds like a selfish arse.

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 12:02

I don't think the OP should be responsible for contraception but what I've said is that it isn't the best move to have unprotected sex because a useless bloke can't be arsed to use condoms (which she could have insisted on at any point, but didn't, because she wants to be pregnant).
I wouldn't want a baby, no matter how broody, that was conceived because dad didn't stick a johnny on and felt 'FFS' at hearing I was pregnant. The OP said he 'wouldn't leave' but that wouldn't be enough for me. Babies when you're older are challenging, you are more tired. Having one parent who didn't want that baby resenting the sleepless nights and crying, even if he didn't say so, would be wrong to me. I think the child would pick up on that, it would be obvious.
Even if he should have thought with his brain not his bits.

AngelsSins · 09/07/2018 13:19

So the message here, in 2018, is that women are always the ones who have to take responsibility for contraception, and secondly, we should all be good little girls and take whatever pills our partners want us to, so that they can have unprotected sex, and if we don’t do as we’re told, were unreasonable and childish.

How far we’ve come...

worstmovieever · 09/07/2018 13:35

I wholeheartedly agree with what you are doing op. You told him to take care of it and he didn't so he should accept the consequences. Regardless that the map is available you don't want it and are prepared for a baby to follow so it's irrelevant.
I'm so sick of men just expecting us women to sort it out when they couldn't be arsed to slip a condom on. The map is for emergencies such as a condom splitting not to take because your partner was too lazy to put one on the night before. No wonder they don't bother when so many women will helpfully run out to the chemist to sort it that's not really the point is it.
I would however op say no condom then no sex from now on as that will probably be enough to make sure he puts one on quickly before you are both lost in the moment.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 09/07/2018 14:21

Quite Angels! Women are accused of mind games if they refuse to do all the thinking for their grown arse husbands.