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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 08/07/2018 22:29

Carer
*

velocitykate · 08/07/2018 22:30

All ages of people can be manipulative, Kate, it's not the prerogative of the elderly!

Of course they can, sorry. I just meant that the potential manipulator in this situation is elderly (as is my mother)

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:30

And I'm so grateful my family and friends aren't like some of the people on this thread, demanding an arm when I give them a finger. I'd never place that kind of pressure on my DC, they have their own lives and I respect that. Probably why we have such a great relationship.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 22:33

Bollocks, LifeEh. That's not it at all. "No other reason than that they don't martyr themselves?"

It's the vile accusations of "emotional manipulation," and outrage that a recently-bereaved person might derive comfort from seeing their grandchildren. And that the brother in this case is perfectly justified in going away for 6 weeks leaving his mother to it as she doesn't "need babysitting."

As I said, unpleasant in the extreme, and a depressing insight into how some people lead their lives. Glad I'm part of a (healthily) close and nice extended family. Good luck to some of you in later life!

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:35

NotAnother so easy to say but you might very well think differently if and when the time comes. Or even if you do go on holiday with her, you might come to regret it bitterly. Or it will become an expectation and you'll be on here asking what to do. Point being, don't judge others for their decisions.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 22:37

Who's "demanding an arm?" Where has it been said that this bereaved mother has asked anything at all of her son, actually? VelocityKate has referred to her as "potential manipulator." How on earth do you get to that conclusion, beyond projection of your own sad setup?

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 22:44

No one's demanding an arm. But most decent people will instinctively rally around an elderly relative who's just lost their life partner. The elderly person doesn't even have to ask. Having your own life and being a compassionate member of an extended family aren't mutually exclusive. And I certainly wouldn't respect someone who was so independent they had no time to spare for a recently bereaved parent. Quite the opposite.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:46

WowLook thing is we don't know these people. We all take decisions that are right for us. For all we know DB is on the brink of a breakdown or divorce and needs to attend to that first and foremost. For all we know he has a horribly strained relationship with DM. For all we know there has been abuse or complete lack of boundaries growing up. Maybe he was about to go NC before DF died. Or maybe not and maybe he has given so much of himself, with daily visits to DM (who doesn't convey this to DS) on top of marking until the early hours of the morning, trying to be a DF and a DH, and is exhausted. Or maybe none of this. Who the hell knows. I don't. You don't. The OP doesn't. And in the meantime people come on here calling him, and anyone who offers a different viewpoint to the OP, or based on their own experiences, vile, selfish, a disgrace etc. Based on nothing but a story they made up in their head.

My own experiences have been of abuse, people martyring themselves, placing crazy expectations on others etc. My take on it might be right, maybe yours is. But we don't know as we're not them. Never judge. Never call others vile and selfish when you haven't lived their life. You haven't a clue.

yogaginrepeat · 08/07/2018 22:46

You know what @LifeEhFindsAWay ? I KNOW I wouldn't react how some of these posters would. I was raised to respect and care for family, through good and bad. My parents have always cared for me, they're so good to my DC; if and when they need my help I'll be there for them. Especially two fucking weeks of a six week holiday. Jeez. Is it really so hard to believe that some of us have been raised to respect our parents, and to reciprocate the care we've been shown? It's basic bloody decency, not being a martyr.
And WTAF that we shouldn't be on mumsnet cos we're too busy saving the world.....kinda reinforcing your bitter world view there eh?

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 22:48

My dad is independent and determined to "get on with things." That said, he's 87 and we don't want him to be lonely. There are also bits of support available to him that he was unaware of that we've been able to set up for him. Is this "mollycoddling?" Or being a decent person.

UneMoonit · 08/07/2018 22:48

I find it really bizarre that a sibling's best friend who may even live a few hours away assumes they are remotely qualified to judge the ins and outs of someone's relationship with their mum. WTAF.

There are sound reasons why we wouldn't have certain family members on holiday for 2 hours let alone weeks but my siblings best friends would not have the first clue about why. I can't be alone in this.

UneMoonit · 08/07/2018 22:50

Juat realised I read "best friend" into it because of how presumptuous the whole thing seemed, and it's not even that. I mean...

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:50

Wow erm you are projecting just as much

It's the vile accusations of "emotional manipulation," and outrage that a recently-bereaved person You're calling other people vile and sad etc. Based on nothing but your own projections.

You can't say that the DB isn't doing enough and call him names. You don't know what he has done or what he has been through.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:52

Yoga of course it's not hard to believe that some people have been raised in a happy family. But why is it so hard to believe that some people haven't? Why judge when you haven't lived their lives? Make your own decisions based on what is right for you but don't be outraged that it isn't right for others.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:58

UneMoonit exactly. Imagine if a friend would go on Mumsnet complaining about how you or I don't take one of those family members on holiday, and calling us selfish... Because they were lucky enough to not have the faintest about toxic relationships and don't know us from Adam. People should stop and realise that their experiences are not applicable to everyone else and keep their nose out other people's affairs.

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 23:04

I haven't called anyone vile. I've mentioned "vile accusations." Which they are.

Anyway, I'm out. Too depressing today, to even think about the mean-spirited views of some on here.

dahliaaa · 08/07/2018 23:05

I am absolutely staggered at the views re. bereavement from some people on this thread. Basically seems to boil down to : 'she's going to have to get used to being on her own so leave her to it.'
Really ?? Sad

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 08/07/2018 23:07

Dear OP, don't judge the brother. Family dynamics are difficult and it's best not to get involved.
However it sounds as if your friend needs someone to talk to and she is very lucky to have you. Try not to accuse the brother of not helping, just be positive and support your friend. She is grieving for her father and is feeling guilty that she is not there 24/7 for her mum. She is doing what she can , her mum will know that.
If the brother does not invite mum, that is between him and his mum.
Just be there for your friend.

yogaginrepeat · 08/07/2018 23:07

Me too @WowLookAtYou. Too depressing to argue with such viewpoints.

Bluelady · 08/07/2018 23:10

Totally agree with you both. This is a sickening read

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 23:15

Well yeah, life is depressing for some people. You're still judging though. Mean-spirited? E.g. how is it mean-spirited to not want to go on holiday with a parent who beat me to a pulp regularly for years? And yes, that's just my situation and it is unlikely to be the brother's but you don't know and should therefore hold your tongue. At least I have enough sense to realise people might have very good reasons for not acting like I would in a given situation. Rather than calling them mean-spirited. I'm sorry that people not having lived the exact same life as you is depressing. I think judging others when you know fuck all about them is a lot more depressing personally.

Thursdaydreaming · 08/07/2018 23:16

A sister doing everything for her parents while a brother can't be arsed, well I never. How unusual. What's next? A man not doing housework or child care leaving it all to his wife? A man dodging child support payments? Impossible!

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 23:18

The op has said that the brother often asked his mother to babysit and that he and his wife and children actually moved in with the parents for a while when they were between houses. So it is pretty obvious that there was no toxic history, major falling out, NC issues. But don't let that get in the way of making excuses for a selfish tosser with no concern for anyone except himself.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 23:21

Atlas ha you would be surprised. I only managed to go NC with the parent in my late twenties after extensive counselling made me realise that the abuse wasn't my fault. You. Don't. Know. Besides I love my MIL and I still wouldnt go on holiday with her because it would end in one of us killing the other one + a divorce.

cherrytrees123 · 08/07/2018 23:23

Unfortunately this situation is all too common. It's happened in my own family. Often it's a son who doesn't pull his weight or seem to care.