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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
WhiteWalkerWife · 08/07/2018 21:09

What was the brother's relationship like with his parents before this? Surely if this is typical behaviour then this isn't the first time your friend would know.

Some people do leave the caring to other siblings because of selfishness, but other times it's because the relationship was bad before bereavement.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 21:11

The relationship was fine. Parents used to babysit for the brother's children and he and his family lived with the parents at one stage when they were between houses.

OP posts:
WhiteWalkerWife · 08/07/2018 21:34

Sounds like he is more selfish then op....

Your friend needs to look after herself too though. You need to convince her of that.

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2018 21:41

SoddingUnicorns, would your Dad not get involved in any of the Age Concern 'buddy' volunteer roles? If you aren't mobile, you can do it over the telephone.

""I think a lot of people posting here have zero experience of bereavement or grief""
I was speaking as someone whose DH of 22 years died.

My Grandmother, in similar circumstances as the OP's Mother was determined that she wouldn't make her children beholden to her, so started voluntary work in her 70's, she also helped out with the Neighbours children.

My Widowed Mother became a lollipop lady until she was 80.

I'm going to stay single, but I would never expect my Adult children to be obliged to me. It's up to me to pick myself up. I'm recovering from serious illness, but I've signed up to be a reader in a Primary school, because I can do it sitting down.

It's early days, but it sounds as though the Brother is pulling his weight, but the Sister wants her Mother practically babysitting, which isn't good for her, because it can't go on long term.

Not still thinking that you can be useful and sitting stagnant, impacts on health and puts you in an early grave.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 21:47

I don't think the mother is going to require long term care from her children. But she's in the early weeks of bereavement, after several exhausting months of nursing a seriously ill husband. She's currently bewildered, broken and worn out.

She has friends, plays bridge and will I am quite sure gradually come to terms with what has happened and start doing her normal activities. But in the short term, as she feels her way through early bereavement, it's her family she needs, including her adored grandchildren.

OP posts:
duckfuckduck · 08/07/2018 21:52

I’m sorry but what? Totally unrealistic to expect grandchildren to care for her. Really out of order and emotionally manipulative.

velocitykate · 08/07/2018 21:54

Wrt 'I don't like to ask Brother' - grieving parents are not always fair in their expectations of what children will do, and not always honest in their account of what individual children do. When talking to each child, an older parent may give one an impression that they are fine, need no help, all is well, when actually there is a list of stuff that the parent is going to ask the other child to do. Then they may badmouth one child to another, or point out things the other child has not done. A cycle of blame and recrimination and guilt and anger is fueled.
Grief affects everyone differently

This. If my brother and I were in the above situation, my mother would be telling my brother that she didn't want to go, whilst telling me that my brother is being mean and leaving her on her own all summer. My mother also expects me to do everything, but doesn't have the same expectation of my brother. Elderly people can be very manipulative

Bluelady · 08/07/2018 21:56

Nobody said anything about grandchildren looking after her.

duckfuckduck · 08/07/2018 21:57

Well what does family she need including her adored grandchildren sound like to you? I hear emotional manipulation

yogaginrepeat · 08/07/2018 21:58

I'll say it again - is it any wonder this country has substantial rates of crime against the elderly, their social care is woeful, and they're generally not respected as they should be? Some of the responses here are shocking; may you reap what you bloody sow.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 08/07/2018 21:59

All ages of people can be manipulative, Kate, it's not the prerogative of the elderly!

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 22:00

WTF?! "Emotionally manipulative? To have some adored grandchildren who she'd like to see? Don't be so ridiculous! My dad was hugely buoyed up by the love and support of his grandchildren, all of whom visited him, rang him, emailed and sent photos etc to stay in touch.

the Sister wants her Mother practically babysitting, Because she would like someone to call in/visit at weekends? Weekends can be the loneliest times, particularly in the early days of a bereavement.

I don't know whether to be staggered or horrified by the callous an unpleasantly selfish views on here.

Not to mention this:
Elderly people can be very manipulative
Well, there's an ageist view, if ever I saw one!

Bluelady · 08/07/2018 22:01

Needing your family around isn't the same as them caring for you. I hear callousness.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 22:02

duck her grandchildren are 9,11 and 13. Of course she doesn't expect them to care for her. But seeing them and spending time with them is a big comfort to her at the moment.

OP posts:
adreamofspring · 08/07/2018 22:05

I’m sorry for your friend’s loss but as others have said, you/we don't know the full story.
(My grandma would always tell me she hadn't seen anyone for days when my mum had taken her shopping, helped her in the garden, and driven her to bridge and to visit friends that week.)

What I do know, however, is that your last post smacks of emotional blackmail “needs her adored grandchildren”. Is this the language your friend is using with her DB?
If so there's a chance she’s viewing this in a very short term way; this sort of talk will not motivate anyone to do more, particularly if they are grieving themselves.

Why can't she leave him and his kids to decompress and reconnect for a couple of weeks so that he’s in a better headspace to be able to help out for the longer term?

MargaretCavendish · 08/07/2018 22:06

All ages of people can be manipulative, Kate, it's not the prerogative of the elderly!

I completely agree that anyone can be manipulative, but in my very limited experience (my own grandparents and one great-grandparent) it is common for people to become a bit more self-centred and sensitive as they get older and a bit less engaged with the world - as they have less going on in their lives the tendency to dwell and brood on perceived wrongs can be pronounced. My grandmother sometimes insisted that 'hardly anyone ever came to see her', which really hurt my dad who went round three times a week and then daily towards the end. She'd also sometimes blame him for not doing things that she'd never asked him to do, but which she felt he should have known to do, like bleed her radiators etc. The thing is, I suspect she did feel like she was alone nearly all the time, and since she would think endlessly about the central heating she thought everyone else should too. But her expectations of someone working full-time with a long commute weren't always reasonable.

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 22:08

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WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 22:09

This is without doubt one of the most depressing threads I've read for quite some time.
There are some very selfish and unpleasant people around.

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 22:13

dream she is actually asking the brother to invite the mother for two weeks out of 6 so he will have 4 weeks to decompress.

My mother got great comfort from her grandchildren after my dad died. Never occurred to any of us that this was 'emotional blackmail'. What a weird view.

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 22:16

Totally agree wow. I am actually stunned at the attitude of some posters on here. It's really sad that some people have so little compassion or concern for elderly people. Sickening in fact.

yogaginrepeat · 08/07/2018 22:25

....and yet people moan about the state of society's problems. Any fucking wonder when so many have such vile attitudes.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:26

I think it's disgraceful and sickening how people have such unrealistic expectations of other people and call other people on here selfish and 'a disgrace' for no other reason than that they don't martyr themselves. It's not selfish to not give more than you can.

Bluelady · 08/07/2018 22:26

It makes me bloody grateful for my family, I'm so glad my kids aren't like some of the people posting on this thread.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 08/07/2018 22:27

I mean, all you saints on here, why are you on Mumsnet and not giving literally all of your time helping the poor and needy? Selfish gits.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 08/07/2018 22:28

It's such a shame.

My Mum used to be a cater and she said it was staggering how many of her clients had children that didn't bother or it was just the daughters and sometimes DILs who came to help.

I don't like my MaiL much at all. But you know if heaven forbid she lost FIL I'd suck that up and invite her on holiday. Because you only get what you give and honestly I wouldn't want her alone and sad andBIL is as sensitive as an ape.