To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

He is clearly doing a lot in between work and his family or the ops friend wouldn't feel the need to step in to visit every week.

It all sounds very stressful, sometimes you need to be a bit selfish to protect yourself. Grieving, working a stressful job and dealing with 3 kids as well as looking after a grieving parent isn't easy.

Your friend needs to look after herself too. There are probably charities in her mum's area that could help with the loneliness and grief to take the pressure off everyone.

He works and has a wife and family who need his time too. My mil wants us to spend 3 full days a week with her.....we work full time, she lies and is manipulative and plays on the ‘poor widowed old lady’ role. She is lazy and selfish but people think she’s such s nice lady!

When we go on holiday we go to spend time together and maybe this ladies son wants to concentrate on his immediate nuclear family. If mil wanted to go on holiday with us I would refuse point blank, not happening, no way Jose!

Because she would like someone to call in/visit at weekends? Weekends can be the loneliest times, particularly in the early days of a bereavement.

The brother calls in every other weekend. The lawn gets mowed..

Maybe the mum won't call him about the TV because she thinks he does a lot? It's possible that she values his contribution more than her daughter's contribution. Some women ascribe more value and effort to whatever contribution a man makes.

Maybe the mum makes an allowance for the fact that the brother has children and doesn't want to horn in on his family's life?

Some older women cut men more slack than they would cut for women.

In any case, I agree completely with CoffeeCoffeeTea:
Dear OP, don't judge the brother. Family dynamics are difficult and it's best not to get involved.
However it sounds as if your friend needs someone to talk to and she is very lucky to have you. Try not to accuse the brother of not helping, just be positive and support your friend. She is grieving for her father and is feeling guilty that she is not there 24/7 for her mum. She is doing what she can , her mum will know that.
If the brother does not invite mum, that is between him and his mum.
Just be there for your friend.

And please remember than anger can play a role in the bereavement period. It is not always justified but it's natural.

I agree that you don’t know enough to judge here. On the surface we are a lovely family who all get on well but those of us who grew up in my house know my mum can be a vicious, violent, bullying bitch and was particularly bad to me. We rub along ok nowadays as the power dynamic has shifted as she aged but I would never spend even one night with her without extended family members around as I never know when she might revert to type.

My mum died. Before she died we nurses her at home. For 18 months. I say we. My brother came to visit twice in that time. My dad did none of the personal care. I’m a single parent and I had a stressful Job. I used to go home, throw dinner at my kids and go straight over. towards the end because he and her didn’t want careers in and I lived there and came home just to feed my kids. My older ones were amazing.

And afterwards I stayed with him for a week. Then I had to go back to work and my kids needed me. And he told everyone he never saw me. I got up at 6 went to work came home and every Tuesday and Thursday I was over there for 7-30amd I was there for two hours. Every Sunday I arrived after church and sat all day.

I cut grass. I painted. I cooked dinners. Did washing.

And he told me how he would love to see more of his grandchildren. They take it in turns to go on a Saturday afternoon and now the holidays are here two of them will do week about for an afternoon too.

I would never do it again. Ever. It’s too much and I’m broken with it. I can do no more and it’s not appreciated. He told my auntie he never sees me and yet for 2years I have busted myself to be there for him.

Now he relies on me and I can’t back away from it because he’s got dependent.
I would never ever do it again. I am on my knees. My relationship with my DP is falling apart because I’m never bloody here and even when I am I have to be thinking of what food to cook or when I’m next going (he lives 40 mins away).

I am absolutely not a disgrace and I refute that absolutely. I am anything but unfeeling and hard hearted. But I wish I had never started it. I wish I had said from the beginning no. I can’t do that. That’s too much.

And its precisely because I’ve done it that I can see the POV of the brother.

No one knows how much he’s doing in a day to day basis.

My dad told my brother I’d did nothing and he never saw me. It was a lie. He told my auntie the same. I don’t know if grief does it or what but it wasn’t the truth. It isn’t yet the truth.

There is no way I could cope with my dad on holiday as well as everything else. And there is no way I’d take being told what to do by my brother. He’s good at the phone calls to tell me what to do and how much more I should be doing while he sits a distance away and phones now and again.

The brother is being monumentally selfish. A week or two out of his 6 weeks holiday is not too much to ask. Given the parents babysat etc I doubt there are any serious issues in the relationship. Taking their company away from her for 6 weeks in the early stages of bereavement is a bloody awful thing to do.

I really think you should talk to your friend though. Maybe suggest she goes every other week instead.

I lived with my Mum for 6 months after my Dad died. I was so busy sorting out his business, their other financial affairs and supporting my Mum that I didn’t grieve properly and several years on still haven’t properly. It affects me a lot and I worry for your friend doing the same sort of thing.

As a mother of one son who is likely to be an only child this thread is quite scary. Can I expect to never hear from my son as an adult? Kind of feeds on the stupid stereotype "a son is a son til he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life", doesn't it?

AnnieAnoniMoose

I really think you should talk to your friend though. Maybe suggest she goes every other week instead.

She does every other weekend now.

Of course the brother is being unreasonable - out of six weeks holiday he could spare at least one for his recently widowed mother.

But don't forget all care is always supposed to fall to girls and women isn't it. Heaven forbid a man ever has to stick his neck out to look after an ailing relative.

Can't believe there are posters arguing otherwise.

I would laugh in the face of an adult who said they were so 'knackered' from their term time job that they 'really needed' six weeks on holiday. He's not even being asked to miss any of the holiday, just have his mum there for a week or two (okay, I think two weeks is an awfully long time, but he could suggest a week) with five people to share the keeping her company and two adults who won't be at work to do the practical bit. The vast, vast majority of us can reasonably expect to never go on a six week long holiday, ever. No wonder your friend is upset with him.

OP
Does your friend have children as that makes huge difference.

Why are some posters still trying to insist that there's some abusive or dysfunctional backstory here? If there was the brother would hardly have allowed his parents to frequently look after his children or have moved his entire family back in with them. Some of you seem to project your own experiences onto everything and bring no balance to any discussion.

^^ what atlast has said.
Most families are not abusive

Why does whether or not she has children make a huge different e. She has a fulltime job and a four hour round trip to see the mother. Ideally hate the way some people think all the care of elderly relatives should fall on the sibling without children and those with children can do what they like and must not be criticised. So selfish.

I really hate....

BatShitShuns, I agree it's terrifying. There's another thread running at the moment where op wants to move six hours away from bereaved mil and see her eight times a year. Her DH has said he won't move more than two hours away and wants to see her more. Lots of support for dil, her dh has been called a 'moron', people saying he'll never cut the apron strings.

It seems that the stereotype of daughters doing all the support while the sons swan off is at least down in part to all the dils who think that a supportive son is a moron who won't cut the apron strings.

There doesn't seem to be a history of abuse here. The brother moved his family in with his mum for a time, and used her for childcare. Don't suppose he thought of her as a burden then. Don't suppose she saw him and his family as that either.

We just don’t know the brother’s or his family’s personal circumstances.

The PP talking about the holiday: Teachers/school leaders work long hours, all week long, often in difficult circumstances, and don’t actually get a full 6 weeks off, most work during that time too.

I haven’t read the full thread but maybe OP is in fact the daughter not the friend. I think the brother could manage a long weekend with his mum out of six at least be it before they go or mid way through the holiday.
I feel for the mil or mother but as well as family supporting her can she does not have anyone else she can start to build a social life with?
DMIl lost her husband about 18 months ago. She goes through stages of being quite independent and getting out and about and being quite needy. We all rally round but we have children and are three hours away so his sister who lives 5 minutes away with no children does the lions share.
None of us are fortunate enough to have 6 weeks off, fairly late starts and early finishes unlike teachers though.

Teachers/school leaders work long hours, all week long, often in difficult circumstances, and don’t actually get a full 6 weeks off, most work during that time too.

Sorry, but I wouldn't be entertaining that line of thinking for one minute in these circumstances if I was his sister.

None of us are fortunate enough to have 6 weeks off, fairly late starts and early finishes unlike teachers though.

Do you mean teachers have a late start in the morning and an early finish after teaching? Because that’s not the case for teachers.

for duck. It's relentless, isn't it.

Why are people assuming the brother is the only one with a stressful job. The sister might also have a difficult job and, from the sounds of it gets very few holidays. She also lives in a one bedroom flat while the brother has a second house in Cornwall in which to spend his six weeks holiday. Yet for some posters its all about his stressful job and his need for a long relaxing holiday.

The thread is about the brother, as the sister and her friend think he’s U for not driving his mother to / from Cornwall to join part of his family holiday.

It’s not about “entertaining a line of thinking”. The sister can ask her DB to do things but can only make decisions for herself.

Some people have stressful, long hours jobs that negatively affect their physical or mental health but can’t quit, some have health or relationship problems, or DC with problems. We don’t know if any of these apply to the brother and his family.

My sibling for example has a very difficult, long and unsocial hourd public sector job that is bad for their health and leaves them very little time and energy for the extended family, they struggle with their partner and DC. There are also some family dynamics which, whilst in no way “stately homes” territory, make long stretches of time together difficult. They would not be able to cope with a parent to stay for a whole week, in any circumstances. Sad, but not their fault IMO.

It’s all relative and depends on the journey from home to school, type of teacher they are primary or secondary and how long they have done the job for etc. the couple of teachers I know leave the house at 7:50/8am at earliest and are back in decent time. My DH not a teacheris out 12.5-13 hours a day which involves an early start and late finish.