To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

Early stages of bereavement are difficult for everyone. I am 3 years down the line with my mother and not much light yet. My dad died suddenly.

I still can't grieve for my Dad. The focus has never shifted from my mum. I do whatever I can for her, but it isn't enough. Insufficient yet killing me with a young family. My days are horrid. This causes so much anxiety and stress.

So much goes on in families that we don't know - past and present. So when I hear these stories from other carers/friends I know to not judge.

Op this really is not any of your business. I don’t know why you are so involved. You don’t know tge family dynamic necessarily and whose to say you are getting the full story from your friend. Stay out of it and stop judging.

You maybe a close family friend, but it's easy to be on the outside looking in and say the brother should do this and that! Maybe the brother had no time off when his dad passed away and had to carry on a very stressful job and wants to deal with his grief.

YANBU OP. I feel sad for your friend's mother. We live in a very selfish and self-centred society..

When my mother died, in spring 2015, I spent most of my holidays that year either staying with him or taking him on Holiday or having him to stay. My family was very supportive. My father died 10 months after my mother and I will never regret having devoted so much time to him. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

Boney, I haven't said the sister is a caring saint have I?

But she gets four days off every fortnight, and spends two of them with her mum, which is all you could reasonably expect of someone who lives a four hour round trip away.

And she has 4-5 weeks of annual leave, and has already spent one week of it with her Mum, and planned another week in September.

So, as a % of her down time, she couldn't do any more.

Unlike her brother, who has 13 weeks of annual leave and won't give his mum one of them.

In my family it is perfectly normal to rally round when a married person is suddenly widdowed, so I think the brother is BU.

I hope my DC will do the same for me or DH when they are older too.

She also asked her brother if there was any chance he could do four weeks in Cornwall and be around the first week and last week of the holidays and she'd get down her two weekends and it wouldn't be so long for the mother without family. But he said 'no'.

This from the OP kind of got lost in the thread.

It sounds as if the db and sil are distancing (literally) themselves from the mother. I have personal experience of this: when df died one of my siblings set out their stall and said they'd be doing nothing. They didn't want to set any kind of precedent or expectations and refused to help dm at all (and yes, she had been the favourite spoiled beyond spoiling). There was a lot of trumpeting about "my health" and "I only have one life" blah de blah. There was not a thought about not only dm, but also other family members who had to do everything for dm who fell very ill.

Sorry, OP, but I do think this is not your business. Your friend should do what she's able to do, without martyring herself, and maybe her brother can step up in time. Everyone thinks my DM is wonderful, but only my DH and DC see the effect she has on my mental health when I spend more than a day or two with her.

As a mother, to be frank, she very often put herself, work, etc before her family, and still does. It's been hurtful our whole lives, but she can't see it and thinks she's a great mother. She wrecked our confidence with terrible criticism, and being with her just takes me back to that place. Having her on holiday with me for a fortnight sounds like hell, and I PARTICULARLY could not have done it in the months after my dad died - I was very bruised, and barely allowed to grieve because it was"so much worse for her". I try to do my bit, but my mental health is too important to risk on someone who thinks so little of me.

I suspect people think I was awful to my mother after her nan died. I went away for a friend's wedding about a week after the funeral, and, from there, went to the place I'd been living for the previous nine months ( and where I ended up moving to permanently) for a few days to stay with friends for a couple of days before returning south. My mother suggested she met me there and I said no. I'm sure she thinks I was cruel, and, a year later, told my cousins she was "never" allowed to visit me there which was simply not the case.

The truth is, I'd been staying with her about a month before my nan died, and was planning on being there another couple of months. Which meant I was her main support, but was not allowed to have my own emotions acknowledged (it's a family thing - I don't have emotions, apparently). My sibling invited her to go and stay with her after the funeral, but my mother wouldn't go, she only wanted me, which meant I wouldn't be given time, or space to grieve.

I needed those few days to myself to not do very much. I'm an introvert, and having time alone is vital, even more so considering the circumstances. If my mother had come I'd have had to 'do' things and go places, which is not what I needed at all. Plus I'd have had to organise everything. And remember, she had the option to do this with my sibling, but chose not to.

I spent most of those days alone, lying in fields. I only spent time with my friends in the evenings. They were fine with that, as they knew exactly why I was there. It meant I could grieve, clear my head, and then go back to my mother and help support her.

Sad and illogical how little people care for their parents whilst being completely devoted to their children.
Don't know the back story of the op, but just from the comments it seems many just don't care. How would you feel if it was you in that situation?

My MIL is always saying "I don't expect anything from you when I'm old, put me in a home, don't want to be a burden, that's not why I had children"

I think the attitude is so sad tbh. I wouldn't dream of putting her in a home unless she required full-time complex care or she was a horrible person (she's not).

Now I have my own son I think about all the things my mum must have done for me. She cleaned my bum, mopped up my sick, put her career on hold, held me as I cried over boys and exams and fall outs with friends, knew every little nuance of my day as a young child, got up in the night to feed and cuddle me. The idea that I would just abandon her in her old age is totally unthinkable.

Assuming you have a good relationship with your parents and they're not abusive twats, I don't understand it.

@BatShitBuns your mum sounds lovely. Mine wasn't like that and she wasn't an abusive twat - she just didn't really have a bond with me. I was astonished by the love I felt for my DC when they were born - I had no idea it would be like that, because that wasn't what I had with my DM. My DDad, now that was different, and I did spend a lot of time caring for him when he was ill. I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone.

So the truth for many is somewhere in between what you had, and abusive twats. Not everyone is a great parent.

On Monday I had lunch with an old schoofriend. She met her husband when she was 15, they married at 18 and were soulmates. He died in January and she's desolate after losing her love of 50 years.

It made me really sad that she apologised for crying (who wouldn't cry?) and said that she could no longer see the point of herself. I completely get that. The thought that her daughters would just leave her to her own devices for six weeks is appalling. Thankfully they wouldn't and won't.

There are 2 camps on this thread - those who obviously have lovely parents - supporting them must be a no-brainer.
But we don't all have that - and churning out phrases like Sad and illogical how little people care for their parents is just ridiculous.

There are 2 camps on this thread - those who obviously have lovely parents - supporting them must be a no-brainer.

There are also people who have had perfectly decent parents but still don't want to help them out for whatever reason.

Spandex - You think some people don't have lovely parents. You could be right. I had good parents, of the firm but fair type. I did not get away with much. I supported them right up to their deaths and beyond even. I dealt with matters after their deaths.
I was devastated after a succession of deaths including parents. I was left to my own devices within 2 weeks of death by my adult children. When it suits them I am good for babysitting or money. I have never had so much as a pat on the arm as a gesture of support or whatever.
Some people have children who do not even seem to have any humanity about them. Before anyone starts on me, they have been living their own lives for a very long time and as adults they have to accept what they have chosen. As an adult I make my choices based on the circumstances and I have not been impressed by such a lack of consideration compared to the demands.

Hear, hear @BatShitBuns .

User02 💐

Bluelady Thanks for flowers. DCs never thought of that. You are so kind

I'd give them to you in real life if I could. And a bloody massive hug.

My mother has probably told the whole world how I do nothing for her and refuse to let her see her grandchildren
Yadda yadda
I know the truth
Going non contact has finally rescued my mental health and self esteem
But hey everyone should be st their parents beck and call no matter what

There are also people who have had perfectly decent parents but still don't want to help them out for whatever reason.
That's also true.

But we will never know for sure which category this son or his DM fit into. So each to their own perspective. Which is always this case in any AIBU post.

Surely most parents try to do their best for their DCs. There may be those who have addictions which prevent them from being able parents. There are people who would complain no matter what.
This thread is about a parent and 2 DCs. None of us know the family in question. What this thread has become is a divide where some people thought their parents were good and others had parents who were not good. None of us know anyone's parents here. We also do not know what today's DCs will be saying about the mums on MN today will say in 10 or 20 years time. Again there will be people, the grown version of today's litlle DCs who wont be satisfied ever. I dont think there is such a thing as the perfect parent. Just those who stay to bring up DCs making what they hope is the best decisions

The thing is you only have to look at the relentless sneery posts on mumsnet whenever someone writes an op about being upset because their DC didn't get them anything on their birthday or mother's day or whatever. "Surely adults don't expect presents etc etc?"

IRL I don't know ANYONE who would ignore their parent's birthday unless they were NC with them.