To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

It wouldn't kill the brother and his family to have his widowed mother for 3 or 4 days I think.
Some family members can just be selfish.

I hate these threads where people wag disapproving fingers at other family members because they are not doing as they 'should'.There are many, many reasons why the brother (and his family) may not either want to or be unable to do this.

This is as unfair as the brother turning round to the sister and saying;

"You moved away and left me to deal with mum by myself. You should move back as I can't deal with this on my own. You only help out a few days a month. You have been very selfish putting your career/own life before your family's needs. You are single so you can now move in and care for her. I have 4 other people I have to look after already, you have none."

I suggest you friend focuses on doing what she want to do to support her mum and stops worrying about what other people do or don't do.

I was in my mid teens when my dad died and was the youngest child and the only one still at home full time. I bore the full brunt of her grief. In public she was soldiering on, smiling bravely. In private she cried. All. The. Fucking. Time. And yet, we managed to become great friends until her death 20 years later. She was clever, witty and brilliant fun. I miss her still.

My oldest brother and I are both really easygoing, laid back types. We both took her on holidays. She became a demanding entitled horror (not like she normally was to be fair). We both only did it the once.

So in conclusion, we have no idea how the relationship between the brother and the mother is. Maybe he is a selfish bastard. Or maybe she's worn him down. I don't think any of us can judge.

Also some posters are going on as if this is something that's going to be required for years instead of a few months while the mother gets back on her feet.
That depends on the people involved - sadly this type of dependency can go on for many years. My DM has not found her feet after 25 years.

I also hate that the DM is involving the friend by letting her know that she expects to be invited on the holiday - obviously expecting her to sort it out. That's pretty manipulative stuff.

I don't think the brother is being unreasonable. He needs space to grieve and maybe he doesn't have the strength to support the mother right now. Or maybe his wife feels she'd be having to support 2 people while looking after the kids. You just don't know.

Besides, inviting the mother might create a precedent for the future.

My grandmother used to come to stay with us in the summer house for 2 weeks every summer. She was unbearable. She was bored and grumpy, but everybody put up with it because it was supposed to be "the right thing to do". She would have been better off in her own home and seeing us for a couple of hours every few weeks.

This lady has many years ahead of being a widow. Everyone needs to get used to it. If your friend wants to be really involved, that's up to her but she can't expect the same from anyone else

The brother isn't 'anyone else'.

The mother has an open invitation but because she knows it means my friend sleeping on the sofa she keeps refusing.

So the Mother is 'refusing' to come to the OPs friend because she doesn't want her to sleep on the sofa but is happy for the OPs friend to travel to her... I don't know but that sounds like it could be a bit manipulative too.

Also, surely it would be simple to buy a mattress or something more comfortable for the OPs friend to sleep on it the Mother was visiting.

Another thought about the friends brother and the holiday is that if there are 5 in the friends brothers family so it would be really awkward to have a sixth person there especially one without their own transport. I know it wouldn't be a problem for everyone but it would depend on the OPs Friends Mum and Brother.

Sadly this is a common situation. One child/relative (often the one who lives a long way from the family) trying to dictate to other family members how they spend their time and provide support.
This will not end well.
Your friend should not be encouraging her DM to think she is entitled to gatecrash another family member's holiday - let alone actually helping her to do this.

Not read thread but I've learned the hard way that these things sound heartbreaking on the surface and nasty but usually there is a back story. There is no way I would have Mil nor dh for a few weeks.

Atlastatlastatlast What would be wrong with her going away for six weeks? The Mum doesn’t need help with basic care etc she is grieving and has been helped the last 8 weeks and probably before then. If someone needs a break after that length of time then so be it. No one is the same. If he disappeared the day after the father passed then I’d agree, he is selfish.

It wouldn't kill the brother and his family to have his widowed mother for 3 or 4 days I think.

a) depending on distances a few days really might not be feasible
b) it wouldn't be good enough for the sister anyway - she wants 'at least a couple of weeks' (the implication presumably being that ideally the mother would be on the holiday for the whole time) according to the OP.

The thing is, we all have our own idea of big asks. OP thinks two weeks of the holiday is nothing, but has repeatedly stressed her friend doing a two hour train journey as if it's a huge thing. Perhaps because I used to do longer than that on a train as a daily commute, I actually think a two hour train journey is no big deal. But it's not up to me - or indeed up to OP - to decide what is or isn't too much for these two individuals in the context of their lives.

He wants and needs a break, he has a stressful job, 3 kids and a wife with a stressful job. He does 12/14 days friends only does 2/14.

Mum could stay in a B&B near daughter, Mum could go away with other friends. Daughter could take annual leave / compassionate leave and go down. But really your friend is totally rude and unreasonable and has made the situation worse. Back off and tell her to back off too.

OP - are you a close family friend? Maybe you could offer to take the lady out for a day.....National Trust or something?

The daughter isn't due any more leave until September and you can't just 'take compassionate leave', that's not how it works.

This thread really is a sad and depressing reminder of just how individualistic society is becoming and how it's all 'me me me my needs my wants' with some people.

I realise some posters are looking at this through the prism of their own difficult experiences. But others seem to be just bending over backwards to find reasons to excuse self centred and uncaring behavior.

I can't read any more of those posts.

I'm out.

It isn't just a matter of the prism of our own experiences creating bias, though.

We know one fact: a third party far away that is not apprised of the situation between someone else and their parent, is judging how that person behaves after a bereavement.

There's not even a need for a value judgment here: Judging people for how they respond to a bereavement when you don't know them, the situation, or the whys and wherefores is clearly unreasonable from any rational standpoint.

@Atlastatlastatlast - you are right this thread has touched a lot of nerves with posters. It has with me.
In my case my DBs did very little to help my DM and it was all left to me, which I did willingly. But the more I did, the more my DM expected. But 25 years later she is bitterly disappointed with me as a daughter because I could be always be doing more. My local DB - who does very little - can do no wrong. My mum's house is full of photos of DB, but not a single one of me.
So when I see a post like this with a DM who feels aggrieved she is not allowed to invite herself on a holiday, my instinct will always be to tell the child to never get trapped like I did. If I had my time again, I would do it all so differently. And maybe my DM would have been happier too if I had not let her develop that dependency.

I think it's quality and not quantity that's important here. If somebody's grieving, just an amazing long day away to somewhere special can be a wonderful antidote from sad negative thoughts. Even more so if these days are punctuated over a longer period of time....rather than wrangling over a family holiday, the mum feeling wrecked doing chores and people who don't normally share the same roof getting increasingly grumpy or possibly morose in this case.
I'm struggling to understand your motives here OP. I've every sympathy with the brother and his family wanting time away together. The big hole that I see is family and friends - the brother included not taking the lady out and about. This can be done on a weekend.

The mother has lost her constant companion for over 50 years. It is a huge issue. If the father was ill before death it is a common thing that friends and family back off so that they are not left to care for an ill person even for a few hours. There is a huge dent to confidence when your life companion is no longer at your side. I would seem to me quite natural to turn to your next closest relatives such as the adult children who again could be trying not to be expected to be carers now or in the future.

Is there no kindness in the hearts of these adult children? I wonder how they will feel when it happens to them.

It was not 50 years for me and I feel awfully alone. I do have adult children but I am only a nuisance to them in their eyes. I am actively moving back from them because of how things have turned out.
Please be kind to people, you never know when you might need friends and family

Surprised at the number of selfish posters who think the DB is NBU.

You can put up with anything for a week. I feel like I could put up with Stalin or Pol Pot or pretty much anyone. It doesn't matter if you're shattered, in need of a break, stressed, whatever.

If you've got six whole weeks of recuperation in your own large holiday house, you can spare one week of it for your own mother, who lost her DH of five decades just eight weeks ago.

You know, the woman you used for childcare, and the one you moved your whole family in with when you needed to.

And I won't think he is BU next year, because I agree that she will need to build her own life, but eight weeks, come on.

RainySeptember
Surprised at the number of selfish posters who think the DB is NBU.

still surprised at the number of people that think turning up 2 days out of every 14 makes someone a caring saint.

The brother seems self obsessed. Of course he should help his mother. How can you not?

Families are incredibly complex and we have no way of knowing what is going on for any of them.

That said, on the face of it, he seems a bit uncaring and he could offer something out of a six week break, maybe not a third of it but something.

My other thought is this may be as much a sibling issue. I say this as my husband is in a sort of similar situation at the moment and I have to remind him often to put aside sibling tension and keep in mind the person they are caring for.

I also know from experience, some elderly parents can be quietly manipulative, including playing one off against the other, and, in my experience, they are often the ones that outsiders think are wonderful parents.

As I said, families can be incredibly complex. He certainly seems unreasonable but I don’t think you can know for sure what is going on for him unless you spent as much time hearing his thoughts and opinions.

He does just as much if not more than his sister, why is he the unreasonable one?