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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:52

Fuck sake OP no one said obviously justified. We all said may be justified based on our own experiences. You don't know the dynamics. Butt out.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:53

How dare you Atlas. duck is not making this about her. She is offering her opinion based on her own experience. As are you. Difference is that she isn't judging, or telling others they are making it about her. You are an absolute disgrace.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:55

And how the hell do you know this is a totally different situation? You don't. None of us do. So stop your horrible nasty judging.

Atlastatlastatlast · 09/07/2018 08:56

No life, she is on a rant. I realise she's upset but she's still saying things that are unfair and implying that any elderly person in the early stages of bereavement who needs family support is going to milk her kids dry and lie about it and show no appreciation. That's just not true.

IrmaFayLear · 09/07/2018 08:56

I was no fan of mil, but I could not have abandoned her if fil had died two months previously.

There are a lot of posters on MN who seem quite cruel . Yes, elderly people can be a pita, and a bereaved elderly person can be an utter nightmare. Dm had a nervous breakdown when df died, and never recovered. But to trumpet, “Family time!” and “Need to look after myself!” simply comes across as nasty and selfish, if the dm is not actually an evil person but just rather an inconvenient old lady.

Agree with poster on first page that the most spoilt child in family does seem to grow up to be the meanest - or certainly have a “me first” attitide.

Atlastatlastatlast · 09/07/2018 08:56

And please stop being so aggressive.

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:57

no one here knows how the brother of the friend feels. i'm putting forward how he might feel.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:57

Oh so when I say other posters are vile I'm aggressive? Smile how very... twisted of you.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:58

Atlas she isn't implying anything. You on the other hand are.

Atlastatlastatlast · 09/07/2018 08:59

I'm just not engaging with you anymore Life so please don't address any more of your rude aggressive posts to me.

Loonoon · 09/07/2018 08:59

I think maybe the reason you only encounter people saying that their parents are/were abusive and so the person does not feel obliged to support them on MN is the taboo around admitting an apparently functional family is not as it seems. I wouldn’t tell many people IRL about my mums behaviour as it is embarrassing and I am ashamed. In fact I was in denial about it myself for many years. Even my adult DC only know a fraction of it I don’t want to set them against my abusive mum or burden them.

However I do feel I can be more open in an anonymous forum and sharing some experiences on here has been very helpful to me.

To reiterate what someone else said upthread, I’m not saying that your friends parents were abusive, I am just suggesting that as a third party who didn’t grow up in their home it is hard for you to have a truly balanced view of the situation.

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 09:02

I don't know how a third party, who is hearing this from a friend, and that friend is hearing how much the brother does filtered through the mother - how can they possibly have a fair and unbalanced and legitimate assessment of the situation?

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 09:02

x psot

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 09:03

It must be nice to be so blinkered and doggedly stubborn to not even be able to entertain other people's experiences and situations. And jump in both feet and judge any and every situation based on Chinese whispers and your own very limited worldview. It's the very basis for so many wars. Never judge before you've walked a mile in someone's shoes.

IrmaFayLear · 09/07/2018 09:05

Clearly there are nightmare parents. And ones who don’t merit their dcs’ support in later life.

But I think in many, many cases (as it appears in this one) the dm is simply inconvenient .

Furthermore, we all know that although it is the db’s responsibility, the dil will be the one who will be saying yay or nay about spending time with the mil. I happened to watch Sense & Sensibility yesterday, and one character very sweetly, but quite determinedly blocks her dh from helping his recently-widowed stepmother.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 09:07

If it's rude and aggressive Atlas for defending myself and others against people like you telling us how disgraceful and vile we are, then fine.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 09:09

Irma quite possible too. But we don't know so I'll reserve judgment rather than calling a stranger selfish and vile (I know you didn't do that).

ConkerGame · 09/07/2018 09:15

YANBU. Though I’m afraid in this current environment of “put your own needs first”, pulling together and putting yourself out to help family members is no longer a fashionable attitude so you won’t get much agreement on here :-( which I think is terribly sad.

Yes of course there are those situations where the mum is just an awful person and the brother shouldn’t have to deal with her even if she is widowed. But there’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that that’s the case.

From what the OP has written, the brother is acting incredibly selfishly in being no support to his mother during one of the darkest periods of her life. He is also selfishly adding to the burden on his sister by meaning she has no break from looking after the mother.

And to those saying she could just not visit her mum - some people are not that heartless.

So many situations where one sibling happily dumps all the responsibility on the other because they know they will pick up the slack. I hope the mother reflects the help she’s received from each in her will but sadly this is unlikely.

yogaginrepeat · 09/07/2018 09:19

Most parents care for and love their children, and have a decent relationship with them. That sounds like what's being described here. And yet some would like to project their own situation onto it, despite OP stating to the contrary, and despite the likelihood being what OP describes.

No one has children for them to look after you in old age; that's absurd. But a society where care is reciprocated to whatever group needs it at a particular time, and this is the norm,is a caring one with respect for the elderly. Society benefits when its population is less selfish as a whole.

In this case it sounds as if brother is being selfish. End of. He's putting his holiday ahead of a couple of weeks with his recently-bereaved mother. Let's not make it into anything more than that, as it's unlikely to be.

Atlastatlastatlast · 09/07/2018 09:28

Do people seriously think that this son would, in adult life happily accept free childcare, house deposits and accommodation from his parents and then suddenly decide, when one parent is vulnerable and heartbroken to start distancing himself because of an abusive childhood.

OP it sadly sounds as if your friend will not be getting much support from her brother. I also suspect that in years to come if the mother becomes physically frail it will be your friend who will be expected to pack up her life and make all the sacrifices while her brother escapes to his hidey hole in Cornwall to recuperate from all the stresses and strains of life.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 09:33

After all the posters trying to explain that things are often not what they seem and that you cannot judge others as you have not lived their lives, some posters still doggedly persist that they know enough, from a few words by an OP, who heard it from someone else, to judge someone... Incredible. All of you would judge me and the many others who for whatever reason cannot do what you would, based on what a friend of a family member tells someone else.

Shame on you.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 09:38

Society benefits when its population is less judgemental, and more tolerant, as a whole. You cannot decide someone is selfish when you do not know them.

But you know what, just carry right on. When you judge others you do not define them. You define yourself.

ConkerGame · 09/07/2018 09:41

I am fortunate to have excellent examples in my own parents. My mum is currently spending a lot of time with her MIL who she can’t really stand, because her MIL is going through a tough time with a bereavement and my dad works full time whilst my mum is retired.

Dad’s sister is also useless and does nothing to help support their mum. Yes, it’s a massive inconvenience for my mum, who could instead be off doing nice things in her retirement and no, it’s not great for how she feels atm as spending time with her MIL gets her a bit down as she doesn’t like her. BUT she knows it’s the right thing to do and is probably also fully aware that one day she might need her own DIL to care for her.

Sadly many people these days don’t have a sense of family duty or responsibility and it’s causing a crisis of loneliness in the elderly, especially in a rapidly aging population.

LoveLifeLive87 · 09/07/2018 09:55

I hope if the mother has any property she changes the will just to the daughter. Hate siblings that don't treat parents fairly but then it's a huge shame society has become like that, it's the norm these days. When she is too old to care for herself she will be chucked into a nursing home.

This is one thing I will always have great respect for ethnic minority, they treat their elderly a majority of the time with the most utmost of respect and dignity.

Bluelady · 09/07/2018 10:06

Hats off to your mum, Conker, she sounds lovely. And, of course she knows it won't be for ever, just until her MiL is more able to cope with life again.