To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

Oh @LifeEhFindsAWay you're like a broken record now. You have to take posts at face value online; that's what we've done. In real life, it's more likely to be the situation the OP describes, so again this is what we're assuming when posting.

Posts saying they hope the db is disinherited is part of the problem.

Pretty toxic to be help me or else I will cut you off when I die.

Not that this db sounds like he needs the cash.

You really do seem overly invested in this OP. Maybe time to take a step back? Not your family after all. You don’t have your information from an unbiased source and it is not actually your business. Family dynamics can be hard to follow even from an inside position, never mind to an outsider with only part of the story.
You do you, and let your friend and her brother do themselves. Obviously you can be a good support to your friend as she seems comfortable telling you all about it.

This attitude that if anyone treats their parents in a selfish inconsiderate manner then they are obviously justified because their parents obviously deserve it in some way is sad and depressing and something I've only encountered on MN.

They are not "obviously justified, it's just that if they are justified, what the heck would you know about it? Probably the guy would not have phoned you up to tell you his life story because, well it's inescapable really, that family is not going to see that relationship as any of your business.

...and you know, it isn't.

I am sorry for the bereaved mother.

However, as far as we know she is in her early 70s which is not that old nowadays, and she has been able to cook, etc and look after grandchildren until very recently.
She is not frail or ill, just bereaved.

But many posters seem to assume that a holiday with her DS & DGC will somehow fix her grief.
It won't , its not that simple
and like a drowning person she might well drag them down with her, to the benefit of neither.
Most of us will be still working full-time until we're 70plus, and mowing our own lawns & cooking our own meals, whether married/single/divorced/widowed.
I don't think babying her would be in her best interests, it would be informing to her that she is helpless and that mowing a lawn or calling a handyman is beyond her capability.

And as for the comments that she won't be around much longer, if we assume she married at 20-odd then she is now 70-odd.
Her life expectancy would be another 15-20 years, but she could well live another 30 years. Even by the shortest of those times the DGC's childhoods will be long over.
Are they then obliged to spend every weekend looking after both parents & grandparents? Because by the longer of these timescales their parents will be older than granny is now.

I'm not advocating that anyone abandons a family member, but it is as always a matter of compromising.
The OPs friend should not do any more than her mental & physical health allows. Otherwise the advantage to her mother is outweighed by the disadvantage to her, which iOS not fair or sustainable.

Margaret you can couch your post in all the nice language you like but you are still saying that brother and sister should leave their recently bereaved mother to her own devices for the rest of the summer if it suits them.

And the mother may be 'only' in her seventies but many months of nursing a dying spouse followed by the shock and grief of their death takes a massive toll on someone that age. Its not a case of just picking herself up a few weeks after the burial and getting back to her bridge and gardening and life going on as normal.

That all takes time, and is often a case of two steps forward one step back. And during that time family need to be on hand, gradually stepping back as the bereaved person gets stronger.

It's not a case of ''leave them to get on with it asap or you'll become their nursemaid for life'.

Wow! Such a lack of kindness on here. I wouldn’t do this to my mother-in-law (who isn’t even very nice to me). I still feel some sympathy for her as a widowed lady living far away from her kids and have her over often to visit. Funny how the brother’s “family” time is sacrosanct but the definition of family cannot be extended to include his mum. What do you think his kids will learn from this and how does he imagine they will treat him or his wife when they are old/bereaved?
Of course if there’s some massive backstory about an abusive parent etc that’s different but so sad in a normal loving family.

'Goady brat'.??. So rude.

The brother sounds horrible

How fucking dare you OP to judge someone else when you are not in this situation!

Oh the irony

OP is posting on behalf of her friend, and that is who YOU are judging, rather hypocritically Temptress

Newsflash - everyone's situation is different. Stop projecting your own experience here.

While some of the posts on here are downright nasty some seen to be coming from people who've never been in this position and genuinely can't understand why an elderly and recently bereaved woman can't just pull herself together and get on with it. I really hope that when they do find themselves looming after a grieving parent that they gain some insight into the situation and have more understanding of the process involved.

not unreasonable at all. my dad died in the spring and after supporting mum for months, as soon as the summer holidays came around, I took my kids to our caravan for the entire summer break.. I needed that time just to be and to come to terms with my loss, without still having to support my mum through hers.

When you're supporting a parent who is bereaved, your own grief and loss gets shoved on the back burner as it becomes less important.

He and his family need that time. Its not selfish at all (well it is, but its necessary selfishness)

Did your mother have other close family to share time with her while you were away? Because is so fair enough. But if you left her on her own or with just one other sibling to do it all then I can't see his that wasn't unkind.

Wow! Such a lack of kindness on here. I wouldn’t do this to my mother-in-law (who isn’t even very nice to me). I still feel some sympathy for her as a widowed lady living far away from her kids and have her over often to visit. Funny how the brother’s “family” time is sacrosanct but the definition of family cannot be extended to include his mum. What do you think his kids will learn from this and how does he imagine they will treat him or his wife when they are old/bereaved?
Of course if there’s some massive backstory about an abusive parent etc that’s different but so sad in a normal loving family.

Totally agree. Excellent post.
After this lady's loss, one of the things she can take pride and comfort in is her remaining family. Children and gchildren being the future etc.
But she doesn't get that from her son. Sadly bereavement doesn't always bring family together.

Humph. I’m on the fence about “necessary selfishness” .

“looking after your own mental health” and “putting yourself first” are fashionable phrases at the moment, and of course it is unhealthy to be a doormat, but unfortunately some see this as a carte blanche never to put themselves out for anybody. And sadly there are a lot of MNetters who stoke the flames of any poster’s family discord and encourage NC and wotnot for the slightest transgression.

my mum had my older brother around, and other family, and I was in contact regularly over the phone.

After those 6 weeks I came back refreshed and picked up the slack again.. I am still her main company and care several years on and still dealing with her grief as it never really goes.

Do people seriously think that this son would, in adult life happily accept free childcare, house deposits and accommodation from his parents and then suddenly decide, when one parent is vulnerable and heartbroken to start distancing himself because of an abusive childhood.

This ^^ actually did kind of happen with me. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mum growing up. I was also sexually abused for ten years by her husband. I tried for years and years (after I moved out) to rebuild the relationship, sometimes it felt like it was working and she helped with money when needed etc we also let her live with us until she got a place sorted when she was leaving her husband, then they were back together or something. Long story short, my grandad (her dad) passed away. It was hard, I’d never lost someone I was close to before so this was a first for me. He was like a dad to me in many ways and I stayed with him a lot while growing up. She got very nasty after he died and after the funeral and me still trying to have some sort of reaionship she took it too far. I stopped contact and haven’t looked back since. She seems to be with another controlling creepy man but that’s her business and I wish for me and my kids to be no part of it. It’s difficult because my four year asks about her but because she witnessed my mother screaming at me, over her own head she kind of understands. Maybe bad timing and looks awful but it was the best thing for me and I finally feel free from all the abuse I’ve received.

With regards to the op though, I’d stay out of it but be supportive. He sounds like he does do a share of caring for their mother but the sister is feeling under pressure. I think she should take a little break herself. Call her Mum often but just take some time for herself to also grieve.

user1485342611
Wow. I thought my friend's brother was uniquely selfish but obviously not

From someone whose friend only goes around 2 days in a 14 day period.

Still don't know who does what the other 12 days cos it sure as hell aint your friend.

People absolutely do accept/give help and even have sporadically loving relationships with people who have abused them. Sometimes nobody else ever even knows or would work it out unless they notice you wouldn't eg: stay with your abuser under the same roof, you don't leave your kids with them or whatever. Sometimes people push it down for decades and say, relive it alone at night one time too many, or suffer a bereavement, lose a job or something else and stop being able to pretend.

This is sometimes in the nature of the conflicted unhealthy relationships abuse can create. I understand people being incredulous, but it is a thing. Also, sometimes one sibling is abused and another isn't - it is easy to make mistakes when judging people due to this alone, let alone all the other stuff.

I don't for one moment suggest this is definitely true of OP's friend's brother, but it is a good reason not to be harshly judgmental of other people's relationships with their parents when really you just don't know.

Not being harshly judgmental when you don't know the details is actually a generally good policy.

Oh lord, only teachers have stressful jobs, only women need to take care of their wider family. Men must only ever thing of their wives and themselves.

Op YANBU. The son is.

She lives a four hour round trip away boney and works full time. She also leaves dinners in the mums freezer, checks up on her regularly by phone, has had her to stay even though she has only one bedroom and has given up all her leave to be with the mother. Did you miss all that part?

I presume the mother copes as best she can when her kids can't be there, she doesn't seem to be Ill or helpless. Just heartbroken, lonely for her husband and in need of support.

Atlastatlastatlast

Yes she goes for 2 days out of every 14 and appears to have no idea about what her DB does when she isn't there. Yet she seems to been seen as some sort of hero.

Or did you miss that part?

I think the grieving mothers needs come first. Yes the brother needs to grieve but he has support. His mum does not. I'm surprised any one would do things differently

an for people lumping me in with 'selfish' for taking the 6 weeks away.
in the 3 months prior..

I watched my dad die.
I registered his death
I helped arrange the funeral
I didn't leave my mom other than overnight, I was with her EVERY DAY.
I took her shopping, I kept her company, I made sure she ate and drank.
I helped with all her finances, informing everyone dad had died.
I cleaned her house, walked her dog. I did her odd jobs.
I helped her sort through dads belongings. Selling his car and buying her new one.
That's without all the other stuff you do every day like talking, comforting, just keeping company. Helping her relearn who she was without Dad after 50 years together.

This was on top of the previous 6 months of doing daily 70 mile drives to take her to the hospital where he was being looked after and looking after her in general as she was on her own.

On top of this I had my own house/family (and a disabled child) to look after.

So no, it's not 'selfish' to want to go away to process my own grief and loss without having to support someone else.. it was needed time for my H at the time to support and comfort me. When you've spent nearly 10 months holding everyone together through illness, several near death experiences and the actual death and its aftermath, its not selfish to need 6 weeks to yourself, so then you can carry on being everyone elses rock.

It's easy to say 'selfish' about the OP's friends brother, but its the every day stuff that mounts up, not the 4 days a month being a martyr.