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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:01

Ad the thought that some friend of my brother who has no idea about me or the stresses in my own family life could take to the internet to berate me for not doing enough for my dad, based on second hand reporting from my brother and that fed through my dad (who tells lies about how often I am there) is just beyond ridiculous.

What the heck has it got to do with a friend of my brother? (taking it to my situation) How very bloody dare they? Do they know my relationship is breaking down? Do they know that one of my children has had multiple suicide attmepts this last year? Do they know I@m awaiting surgery on my back and have had cancer in the last 18 months? Of course they fucking don't - because they are hearing second hand info filtered through my dad to start with.

And neither does the OP.

Except now she's going to say she's the sister. Well my brother doesn't know all that either. Because he's not interested and because DD asked me nt to tell anyone and because it is none of his business when all he wants to do is tell me how fucking shit I am for not being there more for dad and how I dont do enough.

Ghanagirl · 09/07/2018 08:14

Don’t state school teachers get 12 weeks throughout the year?
Surely one week isn’t asking a lot...

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:15

Atlas Some of you seem to project your own experiences onto everything and bring no balance to any discussion.

You are but we're not. All we're e doing is explaining that none of us should judge because we don't know the situation. There have been quite a few posters now who have given very good reasons why they for example would not take the DM on holiday. You have dismissed all of us offhand and thereby done us a great injustice. Because in your mind this isn't what happened, simply because it isn't your own personal experience. None of us are saying there was abuse or dysfunction, or whatever. We are just saying that we don't know and should not judge. You are judging. I don't think you would like to be judged for doing something by others when they don't know or understand your reasons. Extend others the same courtesy.

RainySeptember · 09/07/2018 08:15

But duck, even if he's got the most stressful job on earth, even if he's got health issues and marital problems and difficult kids, he is still lucky enough to have an entire six week holiday in his own holiday house and I'm struggling to see how he can't spare a week of it for his Mum.

You know, like she probably had stuff going on when she let his family move in with her.

And like the sister probably has stuff going on but only has four weeks of holiday in the whole year and a one bed flat.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 09/07/2018 08:17

Op is getting secondary information unless she’s the sister herself she’s not armed with the full facts of the situation. I’m pretty sure the db POV would be completely different. I also agree it’s likely he will pop in more throughout the week because he is local.
My db2 makes out me and db1 do nothing when truth be told we do we just don’t make a big song and dance about it when he comes up he thinks he’s amazing for doing so much and has told us as such. I don’t think he should be obligated to include his dm on his family holiday.

RainySeptember · 09/07/2018 08:19

And saying we can't judge because we don't know the situation is barmy. On mn we take the situation as presented as fact don't we? Otherwise every post would have one reply - sorry can't give an opinion, can't judge because we don't have absolutely all of the facts.

When someone says some dickhead has just parked across my drive we don't say 'don't judge, he could have dumped it in the process of having a heart attack or delivering a baby'. We take the post at face value.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:20

Ghana a lot of those holidays are spent working. And have you read all the posts by people explaining why in their situation they would not take the DM on holiday?

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:20

I have 42 days of holiday every year I can take whenever I like.

I could not take my father on holiday for even a long weekend. it would end me.

And that is simply where I am at with it. It would end my relationship if my partner had to put up with my dad for a full week. My kids would struggle with it. And I have to put them first. I am on my knees. I can do no more for him than I am already doing but no matter how much I do it is never ever enough. I'm off this week. I'm taking my dog for a haircut and then driving 15 miles to his house (from the dog cutter) and stopping there while my dog gets her hair done. It won't be enough. He will tell people he never sees me and I only called in for an hour. I cannot do any more. I really cannot.

But noone outside myown immediate family sees it. No one.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 09/07/2018 08:22

As I said it’s secondary information from a friend of the person involved not the person themselves who might be able to answer how much the db does. Tbh it’s not even really ops business

beanaseireann · 09/07/2018 08:24

On the face of it the brother is being selfish.
A few days break for his Mum, if she gets on with her son's family, would not be too much to ask.
I'm a bit Shock at some of the replies saying yabu.
Family members can be very selfish when it comes to giving up their time for their elderly relatives. I speak from experience.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:25

I think these types of situations (family relationships, second-hand reports, perceived ideas of how other people should spend their time etc.) are a lot more grey than someone planning their car on someone else's driveway. On those threats you almost never get anyone saying 'oh I did that once because my DM got a heart attack and I had no other choice'. Whereas in this thread it has almost been 50% of posters explaining why they think the DB may not be unreasonable based on their own experiences...

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:27

Planning? Plonking!

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:28

Flowers Duck

Pericombobulations · 09/07/2018 08:30

I suspect I am biased as I am in your friends position. DH and I do her shopping, sort any problems she has and see her regularly. I am also the person she calls at 2.30am when she falls out of bed. We have taken her on a holiday every year since dad died as she wouldnt get one otherwise.

Brother who lives locally cant even be bothered to phone her regularly, happily accepts her offer of paying for a holiday cottage for us all, but never once has even offered to drive her there despite having a people carrier as opposed to our small family car. We manage one week holiday without her these days, and I spend it feeling guilty whilst brother wont even ring her to check shes ok.

However he has given the impression he thinks Im stealing her money because I use it to buy groceries.

I am with your friend on this one.

RiverTam · 09/07/2018 08:31

What an utterly revolting thread. I hope the brother's children dump him in a home at the earliest opportunity (along with a fair few on this thread). Well, I don't really but Jesus, can some of you hear yourselves?? 50 years of marriage. 50 years. But no, chop chop, sort yourself out, I don't have time for your nonsense.

Jesus wept.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:34

River you had better not try to call me revolting, or duck for our opinions. As that would be utterly revolting of you based on our personal experiences with family members.

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:42

Wel apparently I'm a disgrace, unfeeling and hard hearted according to this thread. So myabe I'd be better doing what my brother does and phoning once a week and turning up once in a blue moon like the prodigal.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 09/07/2018 08:43

I had to stop reading this thread. The OP said the father died TWO MONTHS ago.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:44

Also, I bloody well hope my DC put me in a home when I can no longer look after myself. They will have their own lives to lead and I wouldn't want any of them to care for me and possibly break them or their marriage. I didn't have DC so someone could look after me. Jesus wept.

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:45

I will never ever put on my dc what has been put on me this last 2 or 3 yeasr. I will go to a home gladly and not put them through this. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and it has destroyed me.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 09/07/2018 08:46

Wow. I thought my friend's brother was uniquely selfish but obviously not. For the record his parents have always treated him well, looked after his kids, had them for numerous sleepovers, , helped him with the deposit for his first house, been there at every family event -christenings, birthday parties etc and generally been normal, loving parents.

This attitude that if anyone treats their parents in a selfish inconsiderate manner then they are obviously justified because their parents obviously deserve it in some way is sad and depressing and something I've only encountered on MN.

OP posts:
duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:48

I never get a break. Ever. I don't get a day off without having to go to see my father. If he hears I am off it's the first thing he says. I sometimes sneakily take a day off and don't tell him but I am afraid to leave the house in case I'm spotted and someone tells him I'm off and then the "why didn't you come to visit" starts.

The adored grandchildren line realy got to me because that's the exact thing he pulls - I love them, I want to see them ,they are everything to me - well yes dad but theyre teens and they have their own lives and they don't want to be there with yu every day nor do they want you here every time we get a day or two off.

And turning up once a fortnight or once a month or whatever is not the same.

duckfuckduck · 09/07/2018 08:49

x-post.

Nice to know I'm uniquely selfish. Thanks for that.

LifeEhFindsAWay · 09/07/2018 08:49

The parent whom I have gone NC with has been spreading stories about me and goes crying to anyone who will listen about what a terrible daughter I am. God knows what those people think of me. However as I grow older I have learned not to care anymore - my friends and remaining family know the truth and that's all that matters. But it does still get my blood boiling when I see how many people on Mumsnet would readily judge other families when they haven't got a clue.

Atlastatlastatlast · 09/07/2018 08:51

Duckfuck any chance you could stop making this thread all about you? I realise you're obviously at the end of your tether but projecting all that onto the op and her friend isn't fair. This is a totally different situation.