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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 10/07/2018 09:42

How did the run go OP?

When I first did C25k I think I repeated week 1 about 3 times, but then week 2 was quite easy. Remember go at your own pace and it doesn't matter if you walk through a couple of the minute run sections, it was at least 2 weeks before I even attempted all of them.

Juells · 10/07/2018 09:48

Tell him he should have torn it up and flushed it down the loo, if it was someone else who wrote it.

Tomatoesrock · 10/07/2018 09:56

Please do not be sad, it was a mean thing he done though I would say your letter embarrassed him.

Kids are mean my DD aged 10 picked on me one day for wearing the same kinda clothes to the school, She done it infront of her friends. I was embarrassed as I had been suffering pnd for nearly 2 years without realising and had had let myself go badly. I always dressed well and was living in joggers with a half hair brushed. It was hurtful but a wake up call.

It is upsetting but kids get embarrassed at that age. I hope you are ok. Flowers

AlwaysTheEnd · 10/07/2018 10:06

OP, good luck with getting a bit fitter and losing some weight.

💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

Fairyhill · 10/07/2018 10:54

Please don’t let it upset you / you ll probably find - every kid wrote something on their parents letter - to show each other how lame your parents having to send a letter is !! I think the school played that wrong -
My daughter at that age would have loved a letter from me - my eldest boy would have played it down - being a boy - by 11 for some reason you are not expected to love your mom !

And the only show off comment to saying you are eating ice cream is to say you re fat - it does nt sound like it was your son either.

If you want to lose weight - do it only for yourself - not what some 11 year old wrote. Wishing you well my lovely x

Xiaoxiong · 10/07/2018 11:26

I have some book somewhere (I think it might be Calmer Happier Easier Parenting) that says that a lot of the qualities that kids have can be a positive or a negative and loyalty is one - it can be wonderful to see your kid sticking up for a friend, but when it becomes covering for a friend who did something mean then it can tip over into meanness or worse. It seems to me that your son a) knows it was mean, so isn't being thoughtlessly unkind, and b) is trying to be loyal to his friend and not drop him in it. And he knows you love him so you can take the mean comment. So those are three good things, just directed in the wrong way if you see what I mean.

My dad once said something to me which meant a lot - that just because someone is family and loves you doesn't mean that you can treat them any more unkindly than a stranger. And conversely, just because someone is family doesn't mean you need to put up with them treating you like shit. I'd sit down with your son and say it hurt your feelings and you don't really care who wrote it, you just want him to know that you were hurt and words like that will hurt when they get back to the person they're about.

And on the C25k - good work!! Definitely combine with My Fitness Pal and come over to some of the fab support threads on here. I don't know if you meal plan but I find that entering everything into MFP all at once - eg. in the morning on the train, or when you do your weekly meal plan - and adding up the calories stops me eating other things because then I'd have to go into the app AGAIN and add that thing. So I am trying to use my laziness to not overeat Grin I was so shocked to find that my standard breakfast of a latte and a toastie was almost ¾ of my allocated calories for the day - no wonder I never lost any weight!!

mikado1 · 10/07/2018 12:34

Really feel for you OP and while I think it's really positive and important to start making changes for your self, physical and mental. However I think children should know people are all different shapes and sizes and that's ok.

Another lesson is words don't have to mean anything or hurt... Tricky I know in this situation but it's an idea a preschool teacher mentioned to me. While we of course teach our DC to mind others' feelings, it's also important to look at how we're guiding our DC in reacting and we hr said it's v useful when dealing with jibes or bullying later. In your case it bothers you so you're going to do something- speak to D's/make changes but sometimes we can ignore/laugh off if we're not bothered. Takes the power out of it. Not sure if it makes sense but I try to show my DC that what another person says doesn't have to be About me, they might be trying to be funny, or they're angry or jealous etc . Your acceptance of yourself more important than anyone else's words.

Jux · 10/07/2018 13:06

DD's school didn't ask for letters when they went on their first week-long trip at that age but it was 10 years ago.

I can imagine everyone feeling a little tearful and missing home having read the their letters, and the boys particularly doing something like this as bravado and counter-action to their own perceived 'weakness'.

I really doubt that this was personal, I suspect that given what you wrote about eating loads of ice cream the riposte was an obvious one and would have been written on even the skinniest parent's letter. Whoever wrote it probably wasn't thinking of you at all, just looking at the words

raviolidreaming · 10/07/2018 14:26

He needs a lesson is RESPECT!!!

HE DIDN'T WRITE IT. Will someone please think of the children, and by children I mean the OP's child who didn't write it, had problems with his peers last year, but apparently needs no further consideration in this. Good grief.

cms1972 · 10/07/2018 17:38

A lot of posts are saying "it's got nothing to do with your size". But it might have. You say you are 'fat' - but are you really? Do you just have a few pounds to lose, or are you genuinely obese? If you are seriously overweight then yes, he is probably embarrassed. I remember as a child back in the 1980s, how embarrassed I was when my dad came to pick me up. He was obese... huge! When you're that age, what your peers think is so important & as a self-conscious kid I used to die inside. OK obesity was less common then, but children must still feel that their friends judge them by their parents. So if your BMI is within the normal range, he is out of order. If it isn't then start exercising and eating healthily, set him a good example and show him what you're made of! He will boast about you to his friends if you give him something to boast about.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 10/07/2018 18:02

I don’t think the op is obese @cms. Just based on the picture she posted of her going for a run.

Even if she was, I still think blaming her for being fat, so she deserved the bitchy comment from her ds’s ‘Friend’ is completely wrong.

I had a quite overweight dad too and also went to school in the 80s. I really don’t recall being embarrassed by him. I think it depends on the child and the school.

I see where you’re coming from though, if it’s a really unusual level of obesity, like your dad sounds. Children like to blend in and for their parents to blend in.

But now most adults (I think?) in this country are overweight. Even where I live, in a ‘slim’ part of the country, there’s a big mix of weights at school pick up. You’d have to be really unusual to get a funny look from children because of your size.

And I just can’t imagine a child boasting about their mum losing weight and being slimmer tbh, but maybe I’m missing something. Ime children boast about their parents’ cars, new toys and outings. “My mum lost three stone in six months” doesn’t sound like your usual playground chat!

It’s great the op is doing something about her excess weight. But I don’t think she should feel guilty or responsible for her ds’s self esteem. It’s a pretty shit world if we all have to change how we look to appease a not very pleasant 11yo (the friend who wrote this). What if he had taken the piss out of a wheelchair user or a divorce, or something else which really couldn’t be helped? The problem in the op which needs fixing absolutely isn’t the op’s weight.

lynmilne65 · 10/07/2018 19:53

I constantly embarrass my (grown up) children, my dgc think I am awesome 😎

Deejay25 · 05/08/2018 19:38

How are you getting on Gib?

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 05/08/2018 20:03

I’m doing well !! Lost half a stone so far ! @Deejay25 thank you for remembering !

OP posts:
Deejay25 · 05/08/2018 20:27

Well done! Great progress. Keep going. I hope you and your son are good too x

Smurfy23 · 05/08/2018 20:38

Well done OP!Flowers

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 05/08/2018 20:43

We are fine thank you and I'm on great form physique despite being too hot ! You are both very kind 😘

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 05/08/2018 20:49

Well done OP!!

Smallhorse · 05/08/2018 21:32

goodness OP you are certainly turning a bad thing into a good thing.
Keep going.
And well done

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 05/08/2018 23:01

No more excuse for not losing the extra weight ! My knees are already thanking me for it !

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 06/08/2018 00:44

Well done, OP, you're doing so well! SmileSmile

fraggle84 · 06/08/2018 08:47

What diet are you following? I’m overweight and really want to lose some

I lost 2 stone a year ago with slimming world but have put 7lb back on ☹️

I do feel embarrassed at the school gates

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 06/08/2018 12:12

@fraggle84 I'm sorry, it's not right. I'm doing slimming world but I joined a group on Facebook following someone's advice on this thread. The name is Pinch of Nom. It's a really nice, supportive group. Give it a go

OP posts:
ListenToTheWords · 06/08/2018 12:17

Flowers I can only imagine how utterly crushed you must have felt reading the horrible comments on the letter. I'm so sorry.

However, your update has brought a big smile to my face. Well done and keep on going. Flowers

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 06/08/2018 12:55

@ListenToTheWords thank you :) I think I have reached rock bottom where my weight was concerned when I saw it on paper. And my motto is no more excuses when I start thinking that being big is not so bad after all.

OP posts: