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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:
W1neNot · 09/07/2018 18:48

My DS came back from PGL 3 weeks ago and yes, we were asked to send in a little card or a letter

As to what I'd do? I'd ask for an explanation, I'd tell him he was rude and unkind and yeah, he'd know I thought he'd behaved badly

Mumoflove · 09/07/2018 18:54

I think he was very rude, ungrateful and inconsiderate! But he’s your son so you forgive him and gently show him the way.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 09/07/2018 18:59

Can’t believe the amount of people justifying this boys disgusting behaviours.
I would challenge it - but productively! I’d talk to him about being judgemental and how you know he can be a nice person, that you’re disappointed etc. You don’t want him to grow up to be a judgmental and ignorant little cretin. This is not normal 11 year old boys behaviour.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/07/2018 19:04

What is this school? Precious Lil Snowflake Academy? Is this a school for kids who melt in the rain? Do you all get permits to park on drives/paths/school steps to make sure they don’t melt when it’s drizzling?

I can't believe people are still dull enough to drag out 'snowflake.' What a quick way to sound small, mean and humourless.

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/07/2018 19:04

My DS is super skinny and his friends laughed at him for having knobbly knees. We had a chat about it and I reminded him of the time he laughed at me for being, in his words, 'fat and wobbly like jelly on a plate'.
I chose to turn it into a positive and had therapy to help me stop comfort eating and I have been eating healthier, not a diet but more a lifestyle change. I am feeling better mentally and physically. Do it for yourself and good luck.

Fightthebear · 09/07/2018 19:05

Way to breed the next generation of misogynists if this goes unchallenged.

Glad your DH had a word with him op.

And if it cheers you up I wrote 2 postcards to my DS at PGL Smile

squiz81 · 09/07/2018 19:11

*HotSauceCommittee

It wasn’t your son and I bet the slim, pretty mummies are as boring as fuck, all dye their hair blonde (yellow), take themselves far too seriously, and yeah, some of them bring their sons up to value women solely for what they look like*

I know you were trying to make OP feel better, but comments like this make me cross. Im slim and i dye my hair blonde sometimes...you cant go on to make all those assumptions about me. We dont need to put others down to raise ourselves or others up. Your comment is as bad as fat shaming and being nasty to someone for being overweight.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2018 19:27

I am fat. I’ve tried to teach my dd that it’s just a descriptive and the opposite of thin. Glad your ds apologised. Now the rest is up to you.

Lilacwine1 · 09/07/2018 19:29

Bless you, Gibraltarlady He was probably just showing off, and didn't think you would see it. I am sending you a mental hug. Flowers

SherbrookeFosterer · 09/07/2018 19:29

All 11 year old boys are horrible.

Suck it up, don't be upset. But keep the letter and show him as a reminder when he is older, as your revenge!

Stay strong.

Lizzie48 · 09/07/2018 19:34

And some of us are overweight, but also like to dye our hair blond. I have a friend who is a beautician and she does my nails for me. I also have 2 adopted DDs (9 and 6) who like looking pretty and who are also very slim. I wouldn't want people to stereotype them because of how they look.

All stereotypes are wrong, as we're all individuals.

W1neNot · 09/07/2018 19:40

Yes @Hissy - your comment is pretty ridiculous and shows you have no idea of what parents are asked to do/provide these days on a PGL trip

Jezebel101 · 09/07/2018 19:47

The son was just being a cheeky little kid, the OP made him apologise for something she read in a letter that she was probably never supposed to see, and now the son a) Knows her Achilles heel for his teenage years, and b) Feels like a horrible kid for hurting his mother when he never intended her to read it and probably just wrote it to get a cheap laugh from his mates, as kids do. Telling him he's disrespectful and responsible for hurting his mum is an overreaction of epic proportions.

He's a kid, cut him some slack and don't make him feel it's his job to massage your feelings or make you feel good about yourself. That's your problem, don't make it his.

Tillytrotter123 · 09/07/2018 20:22

I haven't read all the replies. I can see why you were upset, it's good you've told him how you feel and I'm sure in future he will feel sad about what he did. I came across my early teenage diaries a few days ago, I was horrid about my mum! I also hated my dad because he didn't tell me watch a film. I'm just saying that kids/teenagers might say horrid things but don't mean them.

neveracceptpoortrading · 09/07/2018 20:38

None of that matters "He is your son"

Time to get off your butt and do something that will make you both proud of your achievement - maybe you could include him in your
"new you" activity and sensible eating plan

PaintBySticker · 09/07/2018 20:49

It’s totally normal to send year 6 children a note when they’re on a school trip. No shame in that.

Much of society, including some ‘grown ups’ on this thread, have a real problem with larger women and unsurprisingly 11 year olds pick up on this too and in this case have used it to hurt him (assuming it was written by someone else about you) and / or he has joined in with this even though you’re his mum.

I think you’re perfectly reasonable to tell him you’re hurt by the comments. But as it seems like your weight is a particularly sensitive subject for you (and for many people, bearing in mind society’s attitude and judgement over people who have higher fat levels) perhaps try to imagine it was something else rude that’s focused on something you’re more confident about. Focus on the rudeness of the comment rather than your own feelings about your weight / size.

Make changes if you want to for you. Make them sustainably, preferably by changing one habit at a time slowly.

Please go to the school event on Thursday if you planned to. Don’t miss out because of this silly comment.

I say all this as a larger person myself (size 20).

CasanovaFrankenstein · 09/07/2018 21:15

OP I really feel for you. I know you say it's what was written that hurts but it's really the sense of betrayal. He should feel bad about that.

Please do not follow the advice of saying that it's not his fault you're upset - of course it is! At that age I'd expect him to realise that which he probably does, eleven-year-olds can be awful (not as awful as some of the supposed adults on here).

Personally I would not discuss how he feels about your weight or include him in your weight loss plans. That's just indicating that it's acceptable to bully people into things.

Good for you to turn it to something to make you feel positive. It's not easy. I am not in any sense saying that you should feel bad about being fat - I wish it wasn't seen as this terrible insult.

DON'T let it ruin Thursday for you. Treat yourself to something new if that's do-able. Check out someone like curve creation on Instagram for some tips on a 'quick fix' if that will make you feel more confident.

Don't lose heart. It was a silly thing that's been done, the work of seconds - don't let the impact of it create permanent damage.

Kerrylou92 · 09/07/2018 21:33

Why don’t you ask him, who really wrote it. Have a honest heart to heart with him. You might think he is ashamed of you. But he might not be. Every boy loves their Mum. He is probably crushed too, I think you just need to let him know it’s not ok to knowingly hurt someone’s feelings. Honestly I would stick it on the fridge and use it as motivation chuck all the shit out of your house and get heathy stuff! You can do this girl! 👍🏻👊🏻

dorisdog · 09/07/2018 21:44

You poor thing. That's pretty heartbreading.

My DD went through a phase of pointing out I was 'fat.' I was about two stone overweight for a few years. I swallowed the hurt and used it as an opportunity to say " who cares- I like myself and I don't care what anyone else thinks about how I look.' It's was a useful opportunity to explore body positivity :-)

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 21:45

Asking you to write letters is a bit precious though. What did they expect, that the kids would be comforted by them? My son would have took the piss as well. As if a bunch of 11 year olds are going to show weakness-I bet they were competing as to who wrote the most gushing letter-I bet some mums cried writing theirs!
Don't feel bad.

jellyjellabi · 09/07/2018 21:46

You’ve confronted him, he’s apologised and is most likely feeling embarrassed and ashamed so I would leave it at that. You’re obviously concerned about your weight or the comment wouldn’t have bothered you so why not take it as a nudge in the right direction and do something about it

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 21:50

I really feel for you reading this @gibraltalady. I have an 11 year old son and it’d KILL me to read something like that (even though I know I should rise above it as the adult).
Really? I'd just eye roll and move on to the next thing. They are just Kids. If my husband had written it, yes, I'd be gutted, but not my kid. You are fat. I am fat. He just wrote you are fat. It's a fact, ice cream makes you fat. He needs to learn the fact that socially it isn't nice to call people fat, but he isn't wrong.

Zephyrsinskyatnight · 09/07/2018 21:54

Ahhh I'd be crushed too. Please dont be too hard on yourself although you have peaked my interest to follow you whether here or instagram etc. I wish you the best of luck xxxx

TeddybearBaby · 09/07/2018 22:08

Yes really! I’d be gutted that my son read a nice little note intended to make him smile and used it to insult me when I’d done nothing. I can totally see from an outside view how it happened and wasn’t meant nastily but I’d definitely want to let him know about empathy and kindness. And I don’t necessarily agree about the whole fat thing either. Every single one of my friends would describe themselves as needing to lose weight / fat and they don’t at all (in my opinion) so it’s not ALWAYS fact.

Justtheonequestion · 09/07/2018 22:14

But saying 'youre fat' isnt an insult to an 11 yo. Yes they need to learn but i would say it hurt the op more because she hates being fat, than the fact he wrote it. I dont care, hence my indifference.

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