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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:
BevBrook · 09/07/2018 08:17

No idea why some people are saying it’s odd, weird, or - awful word - snowflakey for the school to ask parents to write a letter. This happened on week long school trips when I was that age, and I am mid-40s. We all got a letter from our parents mid-week, and had to write one too.

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 09/07/2018 08:31

@Weirdcatlady, I competely disagree with your post.

I think it’s awful that you made your son apologise for that. If you’re happy with your size then you should have just laughed it off. If you’re unhappy with your size then why aren’t you doing something about it? Way to make sure your son never discusses weight with you ever again.

Way to raise a spoiled unempathetic little sod who thinks it's ok to name-call and criticise people, you mean.

@missperegrinespeculiar - I completely agree with your post:

*I think this is actually horrible. I would make sure he knew exactly how upset I was, and what an awful, ungrateful thing he did, mocking his own mother to gain a few brownie points from his peers? learning that it is ok to mock others, including your own mother to be cool and fit in? terrible, cowardly thing to do. He needs to learn to resist peer pressure for his own good, and the sooner he learns this the better.

labazs · 09/07/2018 17:38

not quite a teen not a boy not grown up silly idea of school for a letter no not good

Butteredparsn1ps · 09/07/2018 17:44

I’m a little confused as to whether you believe that DS wrote on the letter or if you think it was another child?

I’m raising this, as DS had a rubbish time at a year 6 camp because his room-mate constantly goaded him about DH in pretty vile terms (so vile DS was too embarrassed to tell any teachers). There was a back story about the lads behaviour, which as adults, DH and I could recognise, but DS at 11 took really personally.

Of course you are hurt, by the comments, but if they were instigated by another child, then your DS isn’t to blame and is probably feeling upset himself.

Good luck if you want to lose weight, but please do it for you and only you Flowers

Justturned50 · 09/07/2018 17:54

Perhaps all of the kids wrote similar comments on their own letters. It does seem an odd thing for the school to ask you to do.

Strongmummy · 09/07/2018 17:54

Op - it must have been very upsetting to read this. I think it is absolutely right that you told your son how upset you felt and how hurtful the comments are. As others have said however, I am sure this was him trying to act “cool” and has no bearing on his love for you. Being a parent is tough!!!

Krae91 · 09/07/2018 18:06

Gee, I would be crushed as well! I'm not sure I'd have much to say to him for a few weeks - that's real life, when you hurt someone's feelings they back away from you. Maybe a lesson he should learn now than later.

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 09/07/2018 18:07

I don’t recognise his writing ! I have bounced. I have signed to a slimming club and a boot camp style exercise. I’m motivated. It happened for a reason and I want to make something positive coming from it. No more excuses.

OP posts:
Maemae06 · 09/07/2018 18:09

Try not to take it to heart.my girl is 11 and says some horrible things to me at the minute.ut does hurt but then I remember saying similar to my mum at that age. If your weight is a problem for you though why not maybe going for a walk/jog with your boy a few times a week which would be nice bonding time when you could talk to him why he’s at this difficult age and also would help shift a bit of weight?

Beeziekn33ze · 09/07/2018 18:10

Skinny 💐 a lovely post.
Gib 💐you ARE acceptable, a loving mum. I'm sure many of the other mums, whatever their appearance, have doubts and worries, most of us do! Give your son a hug and never mention the letter again!

Spellcheck · 09/07/2018 18:10

I’m a teacher - we always ask parents to send a letter with our years 5 and 6 on school residentials. The children love their letters, all of them.
Sounds as though one of them got hold of your son’s letter and wrote on it. Your weight isn’t the issue, it’s the person who wrote on the letter. Speak to the class teacher. Please don’t let this make you feel bad about yourself xx

Lollypops20181 · 09/07/2018 18:16

Chin up lovely! Probably showing off with his friends and being the big man!

Have a lovely summer x

user1495390685 · 09/07/2018 18:22

What's happened to politeness? Even if someone is overweight, does it need to be said? Does nobody know that feelings can be easily hurt by such comments. I heard my six-year-old calling someone in his group fat today and came down on him like a tonne of bricks.

I think you son needs a lesson in looking beyond a person's appearances, especially in somebody who has been there for him since day 1. At 11, he should have plenty of sense and know how hurtful this can be. I'd ignore your son for a while. You may not go on about it, but show him you are really hurt. I am angry with him on your behalf. Flowers

sonsmum · 09/07/2018 18:22

you're upset by his comments, so take that as motivation to lose some weight and get healthier.
You'll then find you have better self-esteem to deal with future unflattering comments (whether they are truly meant or not)

BrookBabbler · 09/07/2018 18:23

You poor thing OP. It’s completely normal that you’re feeling so upset. Kids can be so mean. They’re still learning (& naturally self centred!) and don’t often realise how hurtful their words & actions can be to others. They do however need to learn!
“I would make sure he knew exactly how upset I was, and what an awful, ungrateful thing he did, mocking his own mother to gain a few brownie points from his peers? learning that it is ok to mock others, including your own mother to be cool and fit in? terrible, cowardly thing to do. Don't for a moment feel ashamed, he should be ashamed.”
I completely agree with this too.
Big love

HotSauceCommittee · 09/07/2018 18:23

Just wanted to say, couch to 5k (the free BBC version-I listen to Sanjay) is ace. You’ll enjoy it and you can have your music on too.
It wasn’t your son and I bet the slim, pretty mummies are as boring as fuck, all dye their hair blonde (yellow), take themselves far too seriously, and yeah, some of them bring their sons up to value women solely for what they look like. I hope that puts being overweight in perspective.

NC4Now · 09/07/2018 18:26

We wrote letters. It’s standard - and lovely!

Kids hardly ever get to send or receive letters in the post anymore. It’s a great opportunity.

pollymere · 09/07/2018 18:27

What a terrible idea from the school! It sounds like someone has grabbed his letter and written things on it. I also imagine an 11 year old would write about a Mum being fat, even if she was a size 0 so don't take it personally. Ask your son why he feel he needs to cover up for someone. He might be scared you'll take it further. On the positive, you've less than two weeks of school left!

40andfucked · 09/07/2018 18:34

I feel for you OP I really do. Kids can be so mean. My kids have got upset about other kids calling me fat before. My husband left me last year (for a younger and I’m going to assume thinner and prettier woman) and in my head it’s all to do with my weight. But has any of that made me lose it and get fit? No! I know no one believes me when I say im ‘starting a diet’ because I’m incapable of sticking to it, or my mental health takes a dive and it all goes back on again.

I know exactly what to do to lose weight and I’ve done it numerous times, but it always end up back on.

When you suffer with confidence and mental health issues it is so hard, even harder than usual, to lose weight.

I had a year of counselling to deal with my divorce and my self esteem. But when you feel like absolute shit and can barely face getting out of bed because you feel worthless you really don’t feel like going for a walk/run and filling the fridge with fucking kale!

Good luck on your new regime. But don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and the most important thing is that you are an amazing mum x

Grandmakiely · 09/07/2018 18:37

Oh for God sake. I hated my mother when I was 11. He will say worse and so will you. Being a parent is hard work. And being a child isn’t much easier sometimes. Give him a hug. And get one for yourself too.

billybagpuss · 09/07/2018 18:38

Good luck with c25k and your new regime.

Put the letter in the bin and all the negative thoughts that go with it and no, you can't lose all the weight by Thursday but you can see what you can do to gain more confidence. When was the last time you treated yourself to something new? Don't use this as an excuse to hide, take a little time over your outfit and go and have some fun. Flowers

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 09/07/2018 18:42

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all the comments

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 09/07/2018 18:43

I really feel for you reading this @gibraltalady. I have an 11 year old son and it’d KILL me to read something like that (even though I know I should rise above it as the adult).

I think my issue is it’s great to be healthy and lose weight but does being thin and beautiful mean that you deserve to be respected / treated well but not otherwise?

So my issue is not the weight it’s the unkindness BUT you were never meant to see it and I like to think that he would never intentionally upset you. I would defo speak to him and explain that people’s feelings could get hurt so we have to be careful with what we say because we’d never intentionally want to do that to anyone would we?

Have you / he read a book called wonder? It’s amazing. There’s a line in it that goes ‘when given the choice between right and kind. Choose kind’. I love that!

Good luck with your weight loss 😘

hungrypanda2008 · 09/07/2018 18:45

I am a teacher in a tough secondary school and I think sending a letter to 11 year olds is a lovely idea. Lots of mine would secretly love it. Kids know how to get under people's skins and they will jump on any insecurity so if it wasn't weight, it'd be something else. It could well be someone else wrote it but you know your son- in my experience, most would usually say or go quiet unless they joined in, even just a little bit. I agree with p.p who have said a lot kids say things without realising the consequences of hurt feelings and sometimes the way boys talk about each others mums leaves a lot to be desired. I hate to say it too but as brown Turkey said earlier, sometimes a male speaking to them about conduct in general, can have a better impact.

hungrypanda2008 · 09/07/2018 18:46

Oh and you are not BU. I would be hurt too and I have a very thick skin