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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:50

How is correcting her son on bad and insensitive behaviour 'having a go at him'? As many others have said, it is our JOB to make sure children know that it is unacceptable to talk like that. It is the job of a parent, to raise them properly to be decent, sensitive and thoughtful people. Are you honestly saying you think children should just be allowed to say what ever they want, and not be corrected? Hmm As you can see by the other posters above, your idea of not teaching children right from wrong is in the minority. As everyone else has basically said, that behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud. That is what a parent does.

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:50

sheldonesque " it is never too early to teach kids to be mindful of the feelings of others."
Exactly.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 08/07/2018 19:52

WeirdCatLady

Making an unpleasant dig about your mum's weight is completely different to a woman saying she knows that she needs to lose some weight.

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:54

KurriKurri "All the people on this thread calling you names or saying it doesn't matter when kids say this kind of thing presumably never learnt not to be nasty to others when they were children, learnt to blame the victim of their nastiness rather than take responsibility for thier own actions, and consequently have turned into unpleasant adults."

Never a truer word(s) said!! Unfortunately some people who are not corrected as children grow into adults who think it is ok to speak about others like that. It is pretty easy to spot them.

Aragog · 08/07/2018 19:56

explain how we are only responsible for our own feelings and no one else's - so he learns it wasn't his fault you got upset.

I've seen this type of thing here before. It isn't true really at all though. And it is the type of comment usually made by bullies themselves or people who like to make unpleasant and nasty comments, so they can shift the blame of their own actions onto others.

LilMadAgain · 08/07/2018 19:59

Hissy, are you always a nasty piece of trash or did you have to work at it? Fucking arsehole.

I hope you're alright now op x

Bingpot · 08/07/2018 20:03

OP, I just wanted to say I really admire that your response has been to get yourself some headphones and begin couch to 5k. You're a really positive woman and I think it's great. Couch to 5k really works and I wish you all the best with it - lurk on or join the threads on it here for motivation.

Jenasaurus · 08/07/2018 20:05

I suspect it wasn't your DS that wrote those comments

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 20:17

I never had a go at him. I'm fat it's true but I felt sad seeing the letter I wrote to him hijacked like that. I'm pretty sure he didn't write it

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 20:17

But to have a go at her child for stating the obvious is just wrong and will lead to him not feeling able to have an honest discussion with her on ‘sensitive’ subjects in the future.

I'm sure this has been said already but, just because something is true, it doesn't mean it's acceptable to say it. You might be as ugly as the back end of a bus, but I would still be wrong for 'stating the obvious'.

Coyoacan · 08/07/2018 20:27

I'm glad you dh has had a word with him. Some of the best people in the world do not have standard beauty and some of the most beautiful women in the world are rotten right through.

Lose weight OP for yourself, not to impress anyone else

ElspethTascioni · 08/07/2018 20:30

How dare he be so rude about his mum, and make a joke at your expense?! His mum (who I assume!) does everything for him? There is no way on god’s green earth I would let one of mine think they could get away with making a joke at my expense. He needs a proper dressing down from you on this! Your his mum, and he needs to treat you with respect. And don’t discuss your weight with him, it just gives him license to discuss it/have an opinion and it is bloody well none of this business! Whatever your weight it doesn’t devalue you as a person, you need to believe that and makes sure you pass that message to him. If you believe that, then what’s there to be embarrassed about?

I’m sorry OP, how bloody horrible, when you were just looking forward to having him home! Kids can be little shits some times...

notacooldad · 08/07/2018 20:47

I understand your feelings OP.
To be honest my DS would have had the telling off of his life if he had done that.
Ours had it instilled in from an early age about not following the crowd, not being rude, to hold the head high in front of classmates etc and I'm sure you have done the same.
I have no time for mollycoddling in this instance. He knew you would find it. He is 11 not 6.

I remember over hearing DS and his mate who were around the same age as your OP talking after dinner they ate at our house and the friend was being rude about the meal. I heard DS say ' My mum and dad made food for you to enjoy, don't be rude'. Half of me was proud he stuck up for his parents but the other half felt that I shouldn't have been surprised and shouldn't expect anything less.

Jux · 08/07/2018 20:50

It's showing off and to make his mates laugh and to be more part of the group, and they probably all did it - or someof them, at least.

Leave it. It's nothing. He'd probably have written a similar comment if you were stick thin, it's just meant to be funny and they're 9, so for them it is.

PolkaHots · 08/07/2018 21:22

The OP has said several times that she doesn’t think he wrote it!

I bet he will be covering for the person who wrote it, because he fears even worse bullying if they get into trouble for it.

BarbaraWarpecker · 09/07/2018 06:55

OP does not believe her DS actually wrote the offending comments. I imagine it is still peer pressure at play and the son was probably hurt and embarrassed by his peer insulting his mum, but in that situation felt he had to let it go and 'laugh it off'. I'm sure many of us have been there before - and done the easier thing rather than the right thing.
He has also apologised.
Stay positive OP- get started on that Couch 2 5K. I'm 50 and low calorie/ moderate carbing. Lost a stone in 6 weeks- first time I have ever tried to lose weight in my life. It's not too late at 40- you are a spring chicken!!!!

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 09/07/2018 07:19

@BarbaraWarpecker thank you there is hope. I’m angry against myself more than anything for being in that situation.
There is a big school event this Thursday, there is absolutely no chance I will go. I will be a big sweaty mess, I can’t lose all the weight in 4 days. I had a shit night.

OP posts:
Juells · 09/07/2018 07:29

You can't lose all the weight in four days, but you can take this as the starting-point of a new healthy life.

Whowouldfardelsbear · 09/07/2018 07:29

Hey Op - good on you for doing the Couch 2 K. There's some great threads for it on these boards with lovely supportive people all on similar journeys.

I did it 3 and a half years ago when I couldn't run for more than 60 seconds - did my first marathon last year!

Take it slow - its a not a speed test and hopefully you'll catch the running bug - it's awesome for your mental health too Flowers

Temporaryanonymity · 09/07/2018 07:31

For heavens sake. Of course you can go.

I say this as a fellow overweight person. I get that you are upset but I think you are taking this way out of proportion.

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 09/07/2018 07:40

I’m starting but I will be a big sweaty mess. I have been anxious about this event for weeks not just because of what happened this week end. I rarely go out, I don’t have much confidence.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/07/2018 07:44

I’m sorry the boys have been so horrible...but kids aren’t always terribly nice, especially at that age when showing off.

Go to the event on Thursday. Do not let a rude comment, made by a child, stop you participating in your child’s life. Even if you set about losing the weight, it’s going to take a little while...you cannot stop being involved in your child’s life until you’ve reached your goal weight...you really can’t.

I’m overweight, I understand how hurtful & embarassing comments can be, but you have to rise above it to be there for your DS.

ProfessorMoody · 09/07/2018 07:56

I'm a fat mum. I didn't used to be, but I've become disabled, can't exercise, use a wheelchair and have used food as a comfort as well as taking meds that have made me pile the weight on. I'm about 7-8 stone overweight.

Yes, I'm a massive, fat lump when I pick my child up from school. I'm a massive fat lump when I teach my class. Funny though, the only people to make snide comments or give me disgusted looks are adults.

If DS10 had done something like this to me, it would not be acceptable and he would be punished appropriately. I teach him to grow up with respect for others and understanding that all people are different. He also understands that overweight people can be overweight through no fault of their own.

Some of the comments on this thread are absolutely vile.

diddl · 09/07/2018 08:06

There's telling the truth if asked though & a completely unsolicited opinion.

Even then though if asked about clothes for example people would often say that they think something else looks better, rather than what is being worn looks shit!

fieryginger · 09/07/2018 08:16

Could be that all the boys in his peer group also wrote smartass comments in their letters, all of them being cocky. You might well not be the only mum pissed off by the letter coming home.