Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:

Juells · 08/07/2018 15:34

explain how we are only responsible for our own feelings and no one else's - so he learns it wasn't his fault you got upset.

Blimey, I'd never say that to a child who had hurt me or anyone else by being unkind. Good way to bring up a little shit. It was his fault his mother was upset, and it isn't OK.

I suspect it was someone else who wrote that, and that it was a bit of bullying. The best way to upset a child is to be mean about the mother.

missperegrinespeculiar · 08/07/2018 15:35

Sorry, against the majority opinion, but I think this is actually horrible. I would make sure he knew exactly how upset I was, and what an awful, ungrateful thing he did, mocking his own mother to gain a few brownie points from his peers? learning that it is ok to mock others, including your own mother to be cool and fit in? terrible, cowardly thing to do. Don't for a moment feel ashamed, he should be ashamed.

He needs to learn to resist peer pressure for his own good, and the sooner he learns this the better. It is not good for him, I am sure he feels terrible about it, it is not good for his self-esteem to feel he has humiliated his mother to get a few laughs from his mates. Talk to him and support him in getting stronger and saying no to things like this in the future.

Beaverhausen · 08/07/2018 15:37

I am so sorry OP as a fat mom myself I must be lucky that my daughter constantly tells me how beautifull I am.

Honestly OP it is not you who has to change but your son if he did write it. If I were you I would sit him down and explain to him what effect such harsh words can have on someone.

TeenTimesTwo · 08/07/2018 15:48

All the people going on about letters. It is not an unusual thing to do, our primary school did it. For a number of these children it will be the longest they have ever been away from home.

LyndseyKola · 08/07/2018 15:49

Sorry you’re so hurt OP. I would be too!

At school there are tonnes of fat jokes going on all the time, especially the age old ‘yo momma so fat her ass in two post codes’ sort of jokes. So I’m afraid to say I’m not shocked to hear he’s made a comment like that if he had other kids around, the letter was about eating lots of ice cream and you’re overweight!

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you very much, and he may even be gutted he’s done something so hurtful, you won’t know without talking to him. Might be worth having a conversation about how the way we talk about people behind their backs matters, just like what we say to their faces matters too. Scope it out and see how he feels about it all.

WeirdCatLady · 08/07/2018 15:50

What did you actually ‘find out’? That you're fat? Did this come as a surprise to you?

I think it’s awful that you made your son apologise for that. If you’re happy with your size then you should have just laughed it off. If you’re unhappy with your size then why aren’t you doing something about it? Way to make sure your son never discusses weight with you ever again

chrysalis7 · 08/07/2018 15:52

Oh dear, can't kids be cruel little fuckers?!

My friend's daughter (when she was 13,) asked her why SHE never bakes cakes from scratch when her 'cool' mate's mom does. And my other friend's daughter asked her why SHE doesn't work, when her pal's cool mom is a lawyer? (My 2nd friend is a SAHM, and also has a disability.) I know someone else who told me her son made a new friend and his dad was a police detective, and he asked his dad why he 'only works in a factory' and how cool his mate's dad was.

Kids say the meanest, cruelest things sometimes, and the comments can be very hurtful. I don't think they do it because they are nasty people though, or because they dislike you/hate you; they just don't think like we do, they haven't developed the same levels of empathy that adults have, and they want to appear COOL in front of their mates.

There is a family opposite me with a boy and a girl. The girl was 8 when the family moved here 6 years ago, and she always called out 'Hi Mrs Chrysalis!' when she saw me. Now (at almost 14,) she barely acknowledges me, and I just get a half smile, and a 3 second glance... And when i saw her in town with her teen mates, she looked the other way. When she is 20/21, she will become nice again LOL!

Sorry you are hurt @GibraltarLady but don't be too blue. Kids can be thoughtless little sods sometimes. But they don't mean it (as hard as it is to believe that!!!) I think I would tell him how hurt you were by the comments though, as he needs to know his actions have consequences, and that it's unacceptable to make nasty comments about the one person who loves him unconditionally.

Chuckle2 · 08/07/2018 15:56

Some people on this thread are being really nasty OP. The lack of sympathy of some of these replies on here are infuriating because you've every right to be upset!!
I would make sure he knew exactly how upset I was, and what an awful, ungrateful thing he did, mocking his own mother to gain a few brownie points from his peers? learning that it is ok to mock others, including your own mother to be cool and fit in? terrible, cowardly thing to do. Don't for a moment feel ashamed, he should be ashamed.
I completely agree with this ^

Bobbybear10 · 08/07/2018 15:56

Honestly I thought no it was horrible.

I don’t think it’s ok to give a pass on this one of ‘11 yr old boys can be horrible’ etc etc
I think it’s the perfect time to teach some empathy.

It was an unkind thing to do and actually at 11 he should really know better!

WowLookAtYou · 08/07/2018 15:59

Lots of schools encourage the letter-writing from parents during a trip away.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 08/07/2018 16:04

I think school wbu to ask you to do this tbh.

I think he was being a smarty pants trying to look cool at your expense, which is not on and all and something I would be having a serious word with him about. I’d shrug it off. It’s nothing to do with your weight, and everything to do with your son being disrespectful in order to win over some of his playmates. He’s only 11, so not the end of the world, but I’d definitely try to nip this in the bud. I know grown men who make fun of important women in their lives and disrespect them in order to win over their buddies and make them laugh. It’s so unattractive in a grown up,

I’d make sure he knew I wasn’t pleased.

Also tell him it’s “you’re fat” not “your fat”.

Danniz · 08/07/2018 16:05

Sundancecowboy Some of the worst advice I've seen on Mumsnet. Have a

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 08/07/2018 16:06

I wouldn't have put it like Hissy did, but I think these schools encouraging these letters for 11yos are misguided. At that age being away for a few days they either shouldn't 'need' a letter or it might do more harm than good - setting off homesickness that had been distracted from by keeping busy. It's making being away into a bigger thing than it is - of course it is a big thing for the individual child but the implication is it's not survivable without contact from home. Then there are the children whose parents don't do one for whatever reason or the potential for bullying (which I guess may have happened here) and silliness.

As for the 'fat' thing, I'm in agreement with WeirdCatLady. If you are overweight, it'll be obvious. Why can't you bear to hear it? Treat it as a statement of fact and it will have less power. I do wish women wouldn't consider 'fat' the worst possible insult.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 08/07/2018 16:07

However this shuggles down, your kid will have learnt something from the experience. Perhaps that other kids can be arseh*les, some people will always try to use any information in a horrible manner, sometimes remarks made in one set of circumstances - will be found out and cause hurt whether that was the intent or not and loads of other magical scenarios. Cut him some slack - he’s eleven and it sounds like he’s had a tough few days. The smallest part of a PGL-esque trip is the activities. It’s finding out new things about other people you thought you knew etc etc. Give him an ice cream and a cuddle. Put the letter on the next bbq ... or light one specially and have a bloody good laugh using it as a firelighter 🔥 while doing it - don’t dwell on it or rehash it. If he didn’t write it he’s double suffering anyway, some kid has been outed as a judgemental git - he doesn’t want to “grass” them up, or upset you ! He would be an emotionally gifted kid if he had a ready solution for this. The last thing that letter is now really about is your weight Choose 💕 love !

CyclesPerfecta · 08/07/2018 16:09

Definitely not a nice comment about your weight. My 10 yr old occasionally jokes about my “fat” belly or my “fat” bum. I’m a size 10 and do regular exercise! So I guess that’s just the way kids are. But you mentioned you wanted to do something about your weight so this might be a good motivation to get started soon x

Ethylred · 08/07/2018 16:15

At this point what do you want OP? You have found out that he knows that you're fat and that he doesn't like it. And that he feels awful for having hurt you. Really it's worse for him than for you at this point; you're the adult and he's the child.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 08/07/2018 16:18

Aw I can see why you’re upset but you really mustn’t take it too much to heart. Whether it was him or one of his mates I bet your son feels awful about it, it wasn’t done maliciously, just a group of 11 yr old boys trying to look cool in front of each other

Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 16:19

I am definitely against the grain here. I would be telling my 11 year old son that my weight is nothing to do with him, that personal comments will not be accepted on our family, and the consequence is the removal of privileges for a period of time. I would expect a full apology.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 16:27

As I said I didn't go on about it to him. I think seeing it on paper wrote by own son upset me...I'm allowing myself to be sad about it while making a plan for a healthier life.

OP posts:

NameChangeUni · 08/07/2018 16:35

His comments are mean but I think you’re being over bearing with the letter. Like beyond. At the very least keep it short and sweet like you would with a text - ‘hope you’re having fun, miss you, see you soon’. There wasn’t a need to talk about weather and ice cream etc, he probably felt embarrassed as you’re treating him like a 5 year old. Let’s be honest, it’s not interesting information. He probably acted out of embarrassment and was trying to distance himself from the babyish image that you have forced on him, and went along with mean banter with his friends to seem cool

longwayoff · 08/07/2018 16:37

Agree Danniz. And its not about your bloody weight. Its about being 11 years old and feeling his way towards separation from parents, putting distance between parents and himself and growing up. Help him. He knows its wrong, give him some strategies to deal with peer pressure situations.

wheezing · 08/07/2018 16:41

Oh OP it’s cruel and you are NBU to be sad. Children are sometimes but still...

Oh come on PPs about the fat thing. It’s not a child remarking honestly that someone is fat, not intending to cause harm (which would be fine). It’s clearly a mean dig.

thescummum · 08/07/2018 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Topseyt · 08/07/2018 16:46

It absolutely was his fault that you have been hurt and there is no reason why he shouldn't be told that. If it makes him think twice about being so tactless, immature
and stupid next time then you will have achieved something.

What he did wasn't clever, and if he is now ashamed of himself then that is as it should be so let him stew now.

Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 16:46

i would be mortified if some fat lump was coming to pick me up at the school gates.

Vile comment. You should be mortified rather than the OP.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10