Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 08/07/2018 16:47

The letter from home thing seemed pretty standard for the week long year 6 trips that all the primary schools around here did ( still do I believe. ) Both my DDs said they liked having it - they had it a couple of days in when homesickness usually kicked in for the class after the initial excitement - they had both been on Brownie camping holidays so weren’t as unnerved as some. Just a light: ‘missing you but know you must be having a wonderful time , the dog says hi, look forward to seeing you xx ‘

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 16:48

i would be mortified if some fat lump was coming to pick me up at the school gates.

What an awful thing to say ! I'm a human being 😢

OP posts:
Topseyt · 08/07/2018 16:49

And Scummum's post needs to be delete. Disgraceful.

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 16:50

You are right I'm a fat lump, a fat waste of space whom you know nothing about.

OP posts:
WittyJack · 08/07/2018 16:52

Ah Gibraltar, you poor thing. It’s awful to feel so sad about yourself. And losing weight is really really hard. If it weren’t, nobody would be fat.

All I can suggest is, can you somehow take the good out of it; ie use it as motivation? So next time you feel like eating something that won’t help you, you remember how you feel right now, and it might help you to make a different choice.

I once heard myself described by a client as “the big girl at the back”. The worst thing was, he was wasn’t being mean, just descriptive. I cried all night, but I lost 3 stone off the back of that comment and kept it off too! I put a fat photo in my wallet near my debit card so that I saw it when I went to pay for food; that made me put back chocolate on several occasions Blush

chicken75 · 08/07/2018 16:52

OP ignore the scum. Biscuit

Iceweasel · 08/07/2018 16:54

Silly idea of the school to get parents to write letters for only 5 nights away, it would embarrass many kids even if everyone is getting one so it would be expected that they would be comparing letters and laughing at them.

Cub scouts often go away for that long on summer camp, from the age of 8 (maybe still 7). I would expect an 11 year old to be fine, but if they are not, would a letter actually help?

ScipioAfricanus · 08/07/2018 16:54

Ugh what a horrible thing to say scum

My mum was overweight and I wasn’t embarrassed by her. The ‘yo momma’ jokes do the rounds at schools now but the boys I know make them as a genre joke and not about anyone’s mum in particular (most of the mums are beautiful and annoyingly trim anyway!).

Saying ‘fat’ is an insult as long as it’s used as one (just like using ‘gay’ as an insult, even though it’s also just a factual description of some people). An 11 year old boy should respect his mum and not hold her up to ridicule to fit in. As PP have suggested, you could look into things you could do to increase his ability to stand up to peer pressure and practise empathy. A lack of respect for women and a critical and rude judging of them by their appearance is something one doesn’t really want to foster in a son and it’s not just being sensitive over the slight to you, it’s also about raising him with good manners and values and not have him be a horrible teenager and potentially young man.

Meanwhile, Flowers that is really upsetting.

WittyJack · 08/07/2018 16:54

I’d a million times rather be fat than a trolly fuckface who just wants to upset people.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/07/2018 16:55

I'd rather be a 'fat lump' than a horrible, nasty, mean bitch.

WatcherintheRye · 08/07/2018 16:57

explain how we are only responsible for our own feelings and no one else's - so he learns it wasn't his fault you got upset.

I'm not sure I agree with this. Yes, we are responsible for our own feelings, and it's damaging to make our children feel that our emotional well-being depends on them, but this is different. That's like giving him carte blanche to go round saying hurtful things about/to people without worrying about the consequences. It was his fault the op got upset, because he made (or allowed someone else to make) a hurtful comment about her, which she then saw.

I think we'd probably be pretty horrified about some of the things children say to each other out of the earshot of adults. There's a lot of bravado, trying to fit in and playing to the crowd or playing it for laughs, which lead to things being said which are probably immediately regretted. I think op's ds's biggest mistake was not destroying the letter, and letting her find it with comments attached.

Don't take it to heart, op. Flowers

Oh, and by the way, scummum, with a role model like you, it was probably your child that wrote the comment.......... People can always lose weight. Harder to get a personality transplant.

bubbles108 · 08/07/2018 16:57

You know what I'd do? I'd tell him that it upset you but that it upset you because it's true. I'd tell him that you're now going to lose weight and ask him for his support. Be positive about it when you're speaking to him. I'm a great believer in 'everything happens for a reason' and in truth your son (or whoever it was) HAS helped you, although the truth is often painful to hear.

hidingmystatus · 08/07/2018 16:58

How are children - and particularly, in this context, boys - expected NOT to grow up to be the sort of unpleasant men we read about who make nasty comments to - say - women runners or swimmers or in gyms, if this sort of unpleasantness is not firmly corrected?
The child who says this now and isn't corrected may easily be the adult who thinks it's fine to cat call from cars.
OP - if this were my child, I would be correcting them very firmly. It's not acceptable, and they need to learn that now.

To some PPs, would you be as happy to accept this commentary if it were to you from a man in a van, car, building site or anywhere else? If so, crack on. If not, maybe OP is quite justified in being hurt.

Original poster
Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 16:58

I'm 40 and 5 stones overweight, I feel I have missed the boat. I became fat because I ate too much..mental health can be bad so I used food as a comfort. I'll try my best to lose it to look acceptable

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 16:59

You know what I'd do? I'd tell him that it upset you but that it upset you because it's true.

But that isn't why it upset her. She knows she is fat. It upset her that her son made a spiteful personal comment about her.

henpeckedinchief · 08/07/2018 16:59

Aww OP. Please try not to take it to heart. Kids say ridiculous and sometimes awful things when they're showing off and saving face among their peers. I expect he's embarrassed and also upset that he hurt you. I think that it's ok to let him know your feelings are hurt but also remember that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is ashamed of you.

Please also ignore cruel comments on here. Your weight doesn't make you less valuable or important or worthwhile than anyone else.

Topseyt · 08/07/2018 17:01

You are not a fat waste of space. Ignore the piece of shit above who is implying that.

I am overweight too. I have medical conditions which contribute, and it isn't easy. People judge us and fat shame far too often with barely a fraction of the facts.

Do not be ashamed. Ignore the shits.

WittyJack · 08/07/2018 17:04

No way have you missed the boat. 40 is still hot!!

Have a look at the slimming world or weight watchers magazines. Many of the slimmers featured in there have lost loads of weight, well over 5 stone, and are often a lot older than you. Good recipes too!

user1471558723 · 08/07/2018 17:05

Oh please don't take it to heart so. I have sons and I think it is just a certain type of humour they go through at this age, some never grow out of it.
It isn't about you at all, it's just him having a laugh with his mates, not even considering that you would eventually read the letter.
If you make a big thing of this with him you could really cause some damage between you.

Take it as a joke between boys which you were never intended to see.
There will be lots more "humour " of this type to come and if your son learns that he has to hide things from you as you are such a delicate little flower then you will both miss out

I have great fun with my sons and their friends, they pull my leg and vice versa.

In a general way as he gets older you can explain that he needs to be sensitive with his jokes as some people are more vulnerable than others. But for now I would let this go. I'm sure he and his mates don't look at anyone's mother long enough to work out if they need to go on a diet or not. Don't put your insecurities on to him and upset your relationship. If you want to lose weight do it because you want to not because of what you think some eleven year olds perception of you is.

You sound like a great mum, caring and sensitive to your son. Enjoy your relationship, have fun. In my experience It's just as much fun when they grow up, if you make sure that they feel free to be themselves with you.

Sharkwithknees · 08/07/2018 17:05

Urghh, this reminds me of when I was in school and a teacher caught me and a few others passing notes around about the teacher - in the note we were saying she was fat- to this day I feel shame every time I think of it. I'd never have been so awful if I'd thought she'd see it and it was just me and my mates showing off and being twats. I expect your son was doing the same and actually doesn't care less about your size. Must be an awful feeling though Flowers

henpeckedinchief · 08/07/2018 17:06

explain how we are only responsible for our own feelings and no one else's - so he learns it wasn't his fault you got upset.

Also this is literally the biggest pile of steaming bullshit I've ever read in my life. If a child is a bully or saying cruel shit, are you really suggesting you should say 'crack on love, that kid you made cry by taunting her is responsible for her feelings, so it's not your fault she's upset'. What kind of a psychopath are you trying to raise here?!? Not being responsible for someone's else's feelings doesn't mean it's ok to be a vicious prick to them, does it?

Pengggwn · 08/07/2018 17:06

I'll try my best to lose it to look acceptable

No, OP, you can't think like this! You spend your life looking after your son. His view on your level of MILFness isn't your reward for that. He needs to have more respect for you and you need to promote that by showing him that you are not an object for him to comment on, nor for him to judge.

petrolpump28 · 08/07/2018 17:11

hurtful but ignore and move on. Silly little boy really.

AlwaysTheEnd · 08/07/2018 17:12

If your son is generally a nice enough kid then I think you are reading way to much into this. Tell him not to be so cheeky and explain to him how it could upset you but other than that I wouldn't give it any thought at all. He has already apologized.

ScipioAfricanus · 08/07/2018 17:14

By all means lose weight for yourself, but that’s irrelevant to his criticism. And it’s not being a delicate little flower Hmm to suggest that boys who comment in this way on women’s appearances and judge them on this grow up to be less than pleasant men. It is possible to have children with a sense of humour and respect.

Swipe left for the next trending thread