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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by what I found out ?

226 replies

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 15:02

I will try not to drip feed.

My ds (11) just came back from a pgl type of trip. Before he went, we gave a letter to the teacher for ds to read when he is there. The letter was nothing extraordinary, I was just saying how hot it is, we miss him, hope he is having fun etc...

Yesterday, when I was finishing unpacking him, I found the letter we gave him. Between the lines, he or one of his friends (he is adamant it's him but the writing is different) wrote some comments. I wrote : It's really hot here so I'm eating loads of ice-cream (not really but I was eating one when I was writing this letter. Underneath I'm eating loads of ice cream, he wrote that's why your FAT.....He wrote other things but that's the worse.

I know he was just showing off and yes I'm fat, and yes I'm definitely going to do something about it as he is obviously ashamed of me.

I told him how it made me feeling but he said he doesn't mean it and apologised so I'm not going to go on about it.

Inside I'm crushed.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 08/07/2018 17:15

OP ignore the horrible posts. They aren't worth the head space. It's true what they say- it's what's on the inside that counts!
Id rather be a 'fat lump' than have the mentality of a few on here.

longwayoff · 08/07/2018 17:20

O Gib. Stop focusing on the fat. Its a standard schoolyard insult whether true or not along with a whole lot worse that will shock you rigid if you hear them from your lovely boy. Which you wont I'm sure,. Just imagine if you would, what Madonna or Katie Price would overhear in the playground. You're fat would be the least of it. However youve obviously taken it to heart. Join weightwatchers. Aim for half stone at a time .Thats achievable and youll feel better.

missperegrinespeculiar · 08/07/2018 17:21

OP, acceptable? you are a human being and his mother, you are perfectly acceptable as you are! I can't believe people are saying that the OP should take her son's appalling behaviour as a "motivation" to lose weight!

This should be the motivation to teach your child how humiliating other people is NEVER ok, and certainly not ok because of peer pressure. This does not lead to happiness or healthy friendships for him, if he is a nice kid, he will feel bad and ashamed of himself, not good for him and certainly not good for people who are the victims of such behaviour, the OP in this case, who unbelievably is being blamed by some here!

OP, lose weight by all mens if this is what you want, but do not for a moment feel bad or ashamed. The problem here is not whether you are fat or not, the problem is your son being unkind and giving in to peer pressure in ways that are damaging for him and others. If you magically became thin tomorrow his unkindness would still be an issue!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 08/07/2018 17:24

Looks like scum’s (oh how apt) post has been taken down. What a truly vile thing to say.
Op you haven’t missed the boat at 40, granted it gets harder as we get older but it’s not impossible. Try and be kinder to yourself. I still stick by what I said earlier, I’m sure no malice was intended and your son probably feels really shitty about it all.
Make little, permanent changes.
And don’t listen to shite from people who clearly have their own issues and don’t know you fron Adam x

Lizzie48 · 08/07/2018 17:49

My 2 DDs (now 9 and 6) comment on the fact that I have a 'big tummy' quite often. I actually blame Peppa Pig in their case tbh, where Peppa keeps telling Daddy Pig that he has a big tummy.

I try to not take it personally, and actually it doesn't upset me, as I'm a yo-yo dieter and my weight fluctuates wildly. I don't want to act like it's a big issue. They themselves are very slim yet nevertheless worry about 'looking fat'. So I mostly laugh it off.

Recently, though, I have been trying to help them to understand that it is in fact rude to make personal comments to people.

I understand why you feel hurt, OP, it must have come as a shock. Your DS needs you to tell him that he's been rude and unkind, otherwise he'll do this to another pupil next time and become a bully.

But it really is just about peer pressure, don't take it to heart.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 08/07/2018 18:29

OP, he needs to learn that he can't talk about women like this. Is there a male role model figure in his life who can let him know this isn't on

KurriKurri · 08/07/2018 18:30

explain how we are only responsible for our own feelings and no one else's - so he learns it wasn't his fault you got upset.

That is surely carte blanche to go around saying whatever youlike about people, and it is their fault if they are upset however nasty you have been. What a dreadful lesson to teach anyone.

It is his fault you are upset - he said something nasty, it hurt your feelings - that's a simple correlation easy enough for an 11 year old to understand. By 11 children know that saying unkind things hurts people.

Whetehr you need or want to lose weight is irrelevant really - he could have said any nasty thing about your appearance, and it would be hurtful. He needs to learn that it is not on, and whatever his reasons (showing off, trying to look cool, whatever)they are not good enough reasons to be unkind.

You don;t need to go on about ti - I'm sure he knows by your face and reaction that he has hurt you and he probably is sorry. Hopefully he'll be less unkind in future.

All the people on this thread calling you names or saying it doesn't matter when kids say this kind of thing presumably never learnt not to be nasty to others when they were children, learnt to blame the victim of their nastiness rather than take responsibility for thier own actions, and consequently have turned into unpleasant adults.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2018 18:35

Op, you said it's not his writing.

Are you sure? Could he be being bullied and trying to cover it up? As in someone took his letter and wrote mean things on it? And he's covering it up?

Or possibly they all did it, to all of their letters, wrote shit things on it. For you know the shits and giggles at that age?

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 18:40

It's definitely not his writing but he wants to cover for his friends

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 08/07/2018 18:49

they probably all sat there and wrote stupid comments on their letters then

yanbu ti be upset. it sounds like the sort of thing that 11 year olds would do though.
chuck it away. move on with your life. no doubt the other mums were fat, skinny, had funny teeth, smoked, moaned or spend their lives at work/on the phone etc.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 18:56

All the mummies are slim and pretty so I definitely do not fit in. I have ordered some headphones, starting couch to 5 k tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

ScipioAfricanus · 08/07/2018 19:02

Is there someone else in his life (male role model etc) who can talk to him about it and suggest that he might not want to hang out with ‘friends’ who think it’s okay to be so rude and disrespectful of his mum?

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:17

What an awful feeling, OP. Unfortunately children can be quite cruel sometimes, even to their own parents. I also think that if you mean that the handwriting isn't your sons, then maybe it was another kid being mean to him and he didn't want you to know, and perhaps forgot to hide it from you. As an overweight ice cream lover, my sympathies to you.

skinnymalinkmalojin · 08/07/2018 19:19

**
I'm 40 and 5 stones overweight, I feel I have missed the boat. I became fat because I ate too much..mental health can be bad so I used food as a comfort. I'll try my best to lose it to look acceptable

Gibraltarlady- my heart goes out to you. It isn't easy hearing negative things said about you, especially by people you love.

My old colleagues had a horrible, fattist nickname for me and they thought I didn't know. I heard them referring to me in this way unbeknownst to them.

I'm 40 and I've lost 4.5 stone since September. I've 2.5 to go to my goal weight. I didn't change my lifestyle for the sake of my nasty co-workers. I did it for me and for my health. I've 2 children and I wanted to be healthier and more active for them too.

I bumped into one of my horrible ex colleagues recently. His jaw dropped when he saw me considerably thinner than when I quit that job. Now, THAT was satisfying.

If you decide to make changes- do it for YOU. Not to be 'acceptable' to anyone else. Love yourself and respect your body. Your body is amazing and so are you!

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:21

WeirdCatLady Wow, what a very nasty thing to say.

PurpleBoot · 08/07/2018 19:25

Be careful with Couch to 5k, I'm quite heavy and always injure myself doing it, and have to stop for months. Something less high impact better to start with, I think, although if you have excellent trainers might be ok. Good luck, don't take it to heart. Your son didn't write it.

Original poster

Gibraltarlady · 08/07/2018 19:27

Dh was appalled and had a big chat about it with him. @skinnymalinkmalojin - that's very inspiring, thank you for sharing

OP posts:

WeirdCatLady · 08/07/2018 19:32

Salem, how was I nasty? The OP states herself that she is ‘fat’ but also says that her son has been made to feel bad for agreeing with that.

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:35

scummum (hmm apt name) the OP can always lose weight, but you'll always be ugly on the inside and self-loathing, bitter and frustrated and needing to put others down to make yourself feel better about yourself. I'd say OP is way ahead.

KurriKurri · 08/07/2018 19:35

I'm 58 and about 4 stone overweight OP. I joined slimming world six weeks ago and I've lost a stone so far (so I guess I'm 3 stone overweight now).

I've found it much easier to lose when you have the support of a group - everyone is really friendly and the diet itself isn't too awful - you can eat a reasonable amount (it is basically cutting out a lot of sugary and fatty treats - you can still have treats just limit them). I'm sure weight watchers is similar - the main thing I think is the group setting - everyone is very kind and supportive, and you reach smaller goals along the way so it doesn;t seem like such a daunting task.

Really just saying that you certainly haven't missed the boat at 40, and if you want to lose weight there is help and support out there. But do it for you, because you want to feel better, not because people are nasty - whatever your weight doesn't excuse people saying horrid things.
I'm glad your Dh has had a word with your DS - I'm sure it was thoughtlessness and silliness with friends rather than being malicious, and I'm sorry you were hurt.

SalemBlackCat · 08/07/2018 19:37

WeirdCatLady read your post over again. If you cannot see how insensitive and nasty the tone of it is, well I don't know what else to say.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/07/2018 19:37

He will feel guilty deep down OP

If the most hurtful comment was the fat one - well it could have been worse

I was such a selfish kid can imagine myself pulling a stunt like that and feeling awful afterwards

CrackerCrisp · 08/07/2018 19:44

OP you haven’t missed the boat! I’ve just turned 40 and have lost a stone on slimming world. However if you want to lose weight you need to do it for yourself. There is a lot of support out there.

WeirdCatLady · 08/07/2018 19:45

Oh right. So it’s okay for the OP to say she is fat, but no one else is allowed? FFS. I’m not saying the OP is a horrible person, I’m sure she is a lovely woman and a good mother. But to have a go at her child for stating the obvious is just wrong and will lead to him not feeling able to have an honest discussion with her on ‘sensitive’ subjects in the future. That’s the point. But feel free to keep having a go at me if it makes you feel better.

sheldonesque · 08/07/2018 19:46

No, being told you're fat doesn't come as a surprise if you are fat. Still doesn't stop it hurting. And worse, if people are discussing it. Kids or not.

We are all fighting our own battles and it is never too early to teach kids to be mindful of the feelings of others.

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