To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

You’re being unreasonable . She sounds hurt by the fact you spent less on her child .

Surely formal etiquette doesn't apply when it's a kids party? By default, they are having the party thrown for them, not by them, so how does etiquette apply?

Our NCT group kids all get the same amount spent on them regardless of venue, because I wouldn’t want the kids to feel ‘lesser’ due to what their parents can afford to pay.

Oh this is funny.
You like, review, your friends' parties and rate their party food. ( Average sandwiches!!!! I can't get over it).
You buy a present which reflects how much money the party has cost???
No no no. A present should, within your budget and within normal limits, reflect your love, esteem and friendship for the recipient.

people who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing...ffs!

The "cover your plate" rule is rubbish.

It's not in any older etiquette books. It's for people who won't give unless they think they're going to get back the money they've spent. I think it's mean spirited.

Spend what you can afford to thank the person for the invitation and show appropriate appreciation for your relationship.

I can see your logic too, but it doesn’t work with kids parties the same like with weddings. The present usually reflects level of friendship but of course your income as well. I

This had nothing to do with our friendships. REPEAT nothing to do with the friendship. It was my own personal principle with budgeting, no one has to be identical in their principles.

The only reason this was highlighted was because we went together with our DD's present shopping for the first child.
The present we got for her daughter is in Asda, and she lives a few doors down from our local Asda and must have seen it there.

I don't understand why I am being called for treating a child unfairly for their parents chosen venue, that child is still getting a present that cost me between £5 - £10. Not like I fob them off with a Poundland toy.
Like pocket money, I give set amount per child due to ages and chores DC do around the house. It's a principle, not me treating my DC unfairly. Yes some will say do what you want with your own DC but when it comes to others treat them equally. I was following what I felt was a courtesy principle and I am seeing the bigger picture here where I acknowledge certain points. This is me seeing a need to change.
My DC may get a pair of socks as a birthday present from their friend but I will still hold my principle of present budgeting when giving presents even if it is to that same child who gifted the socks. So I don't feel I am petty and play tit for tat. So for those that commented this it's a shame your shallowness believes that I base my present giving on what my DC get.

Friendship and treating kids unfairly doesn't even come into it. This particular mother I do 3 school runs a week for her, my younger 2 DC are in primary with her DD. She in turn takes my DD with her DD to gymnastics club every Saturday morning. I have to backtrack a mile to collect her DD while she picks my DD on her way to the club.
When she was debating about the unfairness etc this thought did cross my mind that I do more mileage than you and more runs than you and that's being unfair etc. Just as examples to give a variety of scenarios where unfairness and inequality can be pointed out. Albeit I apologised for her feeling I was unfair to the situation re the birthday present. So no actually I am not petty as a person. Thank you to those very unkind and rude judgemental and sour comments!!
I suppose I am Just too stuck in some views and personal principles. I have never really had this discussion with anyone so remained stuck in my view. So apart from the sad and bitter minded comments I am glad I posted this.

That's me willing to see where I am going wrong and changing hopefully for the better s

My post crossed with this. So apologies OP and good for you!

Op it is unfair and mean op, not nice to do that! It is up to the parent to have their party at an expensive venue, they don't expect more expensive presents as a result. The mum might have not been able to afford and expensive venue, or hire bouncy castles or entertainer, so they get a lesser present because of that. If I were the other mum, I would be hurt, as I would think that we are all equal as friends, obviously not!

You still think your right, and are unable to see the bigger picture. So a child should get less because of their parent's choice of venue, op, can't you see that its not nice. When dcs are invited to a party, I will ask the parent what they are into, and give according to my personal budget, so £8-10 each where ever the party is.

I am genuinely shocked at your approach. I have a 10yo and a 6yo who have been to countless parties and the only distinction I ever make is how close friends they are. I'll spend more on a close friend of my dds than a random classmate who has a class party IYSWIM. I would never dream of basing the present on the choice of venue. That's disgustingly tight fisted, mean, stingy and nasty. Really, I'm stunned.

YABVU. The gift is for the child who has no control on how much their mum chooses to spend. Giving a gift of less or more value should be irrelevant as long as it's something the child will like. All they care about is having a good time with their friends.
I give gifts according to how much I can personally afford at the time. Usually around £10.

Why in earth would you base it on how lavish the party is. How bizarre

You are so massively fucking unreasonable. So was she to call you on it. But your thinking is pretty abhorrent because it actually involves penalising a child for your perception of what their parents put into their party. A party at home may or may not cost less, because I spend plenty on at home parties as I put on a full spread for about 80-100 people (kids and adults). And I go to massive work preparing the house for the party, shopping for and cooking party food, cooking during the party, organising activities, personally ensuring everyone is fed, keeping kosher/halal/vegetarian/vegan/coeliac/nut-free food separate and available. Personal and long-term useful party gifts for all the kids that I've spent months choosing (as I hate the straight to landfill tat from party bags). And then hours and hours of cleaning up my ruined house once everyone has gone. Paying slightly more money to take a fraction of the kids to a party place where all I'd have to do is provide a cake would be the very, very, very, very easy option.

If I thought my child's party was valued less than an activity outing I'd be pretty miffed. I wouldn't say it, but I'd think less of you for your horrible, horrible money driven thought processes. That said, I value presence over presents and am perfectly fine with someone bringing no present, small presents, homemade presents even if it's something from a child, or group presents from guests coming together, etc. It's the thought that counts. If the thought is, "this is the best I've got," or "mini-tringley will love this even though it's cheap," that's lovely. If it's, "Tringley's party is at home so it's worth less," then that's just rotten.

Reading your last post, I am glad you are reconsidering. If you are unhappy with the pick up and drop offs you need to stop them, or cut them down if it is causing resentment.

Wow.

I really didn't think anyone calling themself a friend would keep track of spending on a children's party and give a child a proportionally smaller gift! Your response above also does not reflect well on you.

On the bright side, the mother who made a snide comment about the value of your gift sounds equally graceless, so I suspect you are well suited.

I think you are all ABU! What a depressing penny pinching bunch - keeping a tally of how much each is spending, judging the food as ‘average’. Reckon you deserve each other!

Fair play op, glad it's given you food for thought. I do admit I was harsh as tbh I have never come across this viewpoint about little children before (context of friendships yes, but never cost of venue!) and it did make me think "say whhhhhhaaaat?!".

I do think it's good you apologised, I probably wouldn't have said anything if I was the other mum but I would probably have sussed out the reason and would have quietly wendied you tbh(sorry I know that's being harsh again but I am normally only close friends with people who are on my wavelength) ateast bringing it out in the open might have cleared the air a bit and you can all move on!

OP is mean, petty and unkind.

Please stop updating! You sound worse. Mileage??

And you are not 'graceful' in accepting what 'polite' Mners have pointed out. Your friend and DH pointed it out first and you still thought your principles were sound. Why strangers opinions over close friends/relations?

Yabu in your approach. I’d give all DD’s friend gifts that cost a similar price regardless of venue etc. Usually around £8-£10 ish.

Sibu by questioning your choice of gift - it looks rude, grabby and ungrateful.

You’re as bad as each other.

I think your friend showed bad manners by commenting on the value of the gift. You, on the other hand are completely in the wrong if you spend differently depending on venue. Why should the child get a crap gift because his/her parent chose to host the party at home?

Completely unfair, mean and wrong so of course YABVVVVVU.

WTF? YABU, I've never heard of that. If that was the case, then I'd never let the kids go to a trampolining party, as I wouldn't be able to afford the present! My budget is usually £10, because anything cheaper tends to be shit.

(and re: mileage etc - work out her hourly rate for taking your DD on Saturday giving you the free time, I reckon it all events out given mileage rates are what 40p per mile )