To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

OP has updated in a graceful manner. . .

You’ll probably still get pages of people saying you are being unreasonable but anyway.

Are you going to get back in touch with your friend about it?

I do think that the ops logic is weird but so many people have missed that the op said all ofthe friendship group are in similar financial situations so it’s not a case of penalising people who are worse off. Maybe the op feels that if her friend spent less on hosting she may have spent more on presents? Who knows? But people can spend what they like on a gift and with sales and stuff I doubt a difference of a tenner would be that noticeable that the child would have cared. It’s not like the op got one child a bag of Haribo and the other an Xbox!
The op probably shouldn’t have told the other parent that it was because their party was cheaper but if someone contacted me telling me my gift wasn’t good enough I doubt Od have felt like being particularly polite tbh.

I don't think cost should reflect the venue. I have started spending a bit more as my kids get older and go to fewer parties (e.g. in Reception I spent about £5 per present as there were so many parties, by year 2 it was £8-10 and DD who is going into year 5 next year will be able to spend a bit more as she now has just 4 close friends). I wouldn't necessarily reflect strength of friendship either because they all talk and there's no need to cause division or make children feel less worthy.

SirFred The majority of responses to this thread suggest you are sadly incorrect.

The whole concept of RSVP seems to be on the way out too - a lot of people just don't understand what it is asking of them these days.

Its a fair point that throughout school, most people have friends from different financial backgrounds, but IME, this tends to change at university age, where birds of a feather do have a tendency to flock together.

The amount I spend on a present reflects the child not the party. If it's a school friend that I don't know it's £5 present or note in a card. If it's a friends child it's about £10. If it's one of my god children it's more like £20. I do see where the other mother was coming from, however if I had been I wouldn't have said anything.

YABU i think it was incredibly rude. You give presents to make the child happy, not as some indicator as to whether the you think the party was up to scratch or not. It's not the child'a fault that in your eyes, the standard was sub-par

However, I do think the other mother was rude also for confronting you.

Eh?? Why on earth would you only give a gift based on how much the parent has spent on the party? That has absolutely nothing to do with the child, if you are all equally close I would give presents of the same value, you sound like you did it on purpose to prove a point that the parent should have made more "effort" I probably wouldn't have mentioned t to you as the other parent but it's pretty shitty from you

If they are both your DD’s two good friends I would have bought something equally as nice for both of them - quite often I end up getting exactly same gifts for friends.

I wouldn’t have based my gift on the party. I usually spend £10 per gift but if it’s a really good friend sometimes a little more. I think for the sake of a couple quid you should have got them both the nice presents. I can kind of see where the mum is coming from but I would never have the cheek to actually say something.

You’re both ridiculous tbh

I think this pretty much sums it up. You for choosing a present based on the value of the party invite. The other Mum for saying anything other than Thank you in response to the present.

I can't help think you both are a little childish. YABU

The present reflects the friendship, you don't give to receive!! Essentially what you're doing is saying x spent more money on the party so I'll spend more money on their child's present that is outrageously rude. If anything it would be the other way around, if it was costing £20 to go to one child's party you might have a little less in the budget compared to a party that is free for your child to attend, but that would only be if you are constrained by manners. I've never heard of acting so horrible as to give a child a cheaper present because their parents spent less on their party.

This all kinds of wrong. Bonkers match present spend to amount spent on party. Bonkers for one friend to confront you on amount you spent compared to a gift bought for another.

*constrained by budget

A party based at home will have meant a great deal more effort in terms of cleaning beforehand, food prep and later cleanup.

Gosh! I'd never consider the cost of the venue in buying presents! What if Childs family can't afford a big do - so poor kids get smaller presents than rich kids? How weird

Actually, I might spend more on a party that was smaller because of the expense of the venue (so only say 4 close friends) against a party at home where the whole class were invited. My children's friends are all similarly affluent so this rich richer and poor poorer argument doesn't work for me. X

Sorry thats awful. I give a £10 worth maybe £15 if best friends

I've just dropped my 7 yo ds at a party, I never take into consideration the venue, I find that really odd! I ask the parent what the child is into and spend around £15 (in this case pokemon) on a suitable present. I also find it rude that you were criticised for the gift though!

This has been accepted etiquette for centuries.
People used to only mix socially within their own social class though. Would you expect a parent to decline an invitation if they couldn't afford to match present to party cost? Or to put themselves in financial difficulty?

I would spend more if my child was invited to a small party, than for a whole class party. Or if they were a close friend.

My sons friends all get £10 regardless of whether they spend a day paintballing (the recent trend) or watching a dvd and having a dominoes! Best friends may get additional wrapped sweets but this is regardless of venue!

Your logic is bonkers OP. How awful to give a child a lesser gift because her parents spend less on a party! If everyone does that and she sees all her presents are crappier than her classmates presents were she may conclude she is less well liked. This seems even worse if you factor in that the gifts from parents may be less too because of their financial circumstances.

As for home or hall based parties being cheaper, this isn’t always true and a lot of effort goes into them. I have done the self catering hall thing only once. The food and party bags were minecraft themed and entertainment wasn’t cheap. I can think of nothing worse than having a dozen kids round the house at once so hats off to anyone who will.

The best thing about all these different parties is our kids get to experience them. They are usually very happy to go regardless of cost/venue/theme.

What you're effectively doing is punishing children whose parents can't afford a big party!

However it's very rude for the other parent to point it out. She didn't know the first gift wasn't on sale and you actually spent the same. Or that you could afford more at the time of the last party than you can now

I think the mother was incredibly rude to question it with you. Did the other mother keep a bloody list of who gave who what, to compare to?

People should be grateful for any present they get at a birthday party really. I also subscribe to the everyone gets the same sort of thing present buying strategy for parties. I go for the cheapest but least cheap looking item I can find and try never to spend more than £5 for an all class party. I also spend more on close friends though.

That's a weird thing to think, especially when these are children's parties, I'm sure they'll have fun regardless of the venue so why should it even be considered? I think you were probably better off buying a similar priced present for both girls. Since this is more about them, it's the present they're receiving "from" your daughter.

YWBU and quite tight. What if the mother could not afford a fancy venue, so they get a lesser present then , not nice op. You give presents from the heart, and find out the type of things they would like, not give according to the venue totally wrong. She was wrong to bring it up, if I were her, I would have thought less of you for doing that, and treated you as such.

How mean-sprited can anyone be! I always thought you chose the present for the child, not according to how much the parents were spending on a party. Equal firendship = equal presents. I think YBVU.

Nothing to do with venue/expense of party etc if it's a close family friend we'll spend more (and probably ask what the child would like/is in to/needs) if it's a randomer and times aren't too hard £5-£7.
It really isn't about the gift. I've been to parties and not brought a gift (hard times) and had kids come to my child's party and poss not bring a pressie - I really don't keep a tally. Life's too short.