To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

You are trying to redeem yourself but just sounding worse with each comment

Now your being petty because you have to drive a mile more than someone else. She can't help where she lives in relation to certain venues. It really is pathetic.

If you have resentment then don't do it. If not be quite a be happy with it.

Look at this another way. When I've had "at home" parties I've generally spent several hours planning games, planning crafts, organising a treasure hunt, making party food etc. When I've had a venue party you basically pay your money and sign a form and that's it.

Saying you give a more expensive present because of the more expensive venue is showing (to me) that you value money spent over time given. As that's not a value I hold, it would really make me question our friendship.

YABsoU. How much the parent spends on the party has nothing to do with the child. The present is for the child. What a weird way to look at things. Don't do that in the future.

What a miserable bunch you and your friends are.

Shit. DS2's going to Legoland on Friday for his friend's birthday (inset day). WTF should I buy the boy as a present?

One question though OP. If you hadn't been told what the 2nd party involved (no entertainer, no bouncy castle, 'average' sandwiches) but you did know it was an 'at home party' would you still have got a cheaper present?

Because if you would have got a similar gift to the one you got for the 1st party then I can (just about) see the logic. I don't like it and I've never done this ridiculous 'paying for your plate' - people get what I can afford and that's that.

If you would still have gone for the cheaper present because an at home party is seen as 'cheaper' then I think you're daft. I think you've now seen that. I hope, really, that this doesn't kick back on you - if I were another mum planning a party I'd be seriously debating whether the invitation would go out and it'd only be your DD's feelings that would rescue it. I hate the idea of anyone being judged on how deep they decide to delve into a wallet and the fact that some of my friends are in the same income bracket as us doesn't mean I 'expect' any particular level of party. Some of the best I've been to have been in a garden, cuppa for the parents and 'average' party food for the kids. It's the warmth of the welcome and the friendliness of the children that makes the party.

Ugh you sound quite the charming group. Who A) tots up how much the host spent on their child’s birthday and then ‘covers their plate’ (vom)? Who B) then gets into a fight with a friend because the present they gave their child wasn’t expensive enough (vom again)?

Classy.

Shit. DS2's going to Legoland on Friday for his friend's birthday (inset day). WTF should I buy the boy as a present? shock

Legoland is pretty expensive. I think you probably need to buy him a car.

That's a weird thing to do op. Surely you buy a present based on what the child would like/you can afford?

I've heard your 'principle' applied to a Wedding cash gift, but never for a child.

I think the spirit of gift giving and sending good wishes should take over.

If I know that the Parents are comfortably off, I would perhaps give less than someone who struggled to put a house party together. So the opposite of the principle that has applied for centuries.

That principle was, as said, when people stuck to their own kind. WC had little money, presents didn't always happen etc, but the upper classes would score future favours/contacts by what they gave/did for each other.

It's a principle based on people being worthwhile, depending on what you can get out of them and no value being put on personal relationships.

I don't think it would occur to me to vary the amount I spend according to where the party was held.

But the mother questioning your present sounds really childish and petty.

You sound really snobby. The other party cost more so that child is worthy of a fancier present? I would hate it if you were my friend.

I don't give cheaper presents to children with home birthday parties than those at play centres. The exception is if I know the parents have had a smaller very expensive party which I know has cost £25 a head (because they are local and everyone knows the price) than I will throw in an extra £5 above what I would normally give for a play centre or home party. I agree with the mum that children have just as much fun at home birthday parties as play centres - BUT I can't believe she called you on it. Not a nice lady! Also, some years children have play centre parties and then the following years they have home parties...I wouldn't feel good giving them less money than the previous year because they had a home party.

It would never occur to me to spend according to how lavish a party is. I also think you should show some consideration to the effort that goes with hosting a party at home. Not everything is about money. Organising and preparing all the food (mostly not eaten), entertaining children (+siblings and parents), party games, prizes, all the cleaning before and after is stressful, time consuming and exhausting. A party is not less worthy just because it is at home.

Yes I think yabu, with birthday presents you set a budget that you can afford and get the child something they like based on that. Judging a child's party then rewarding one child for an expensive party and punishing the other child for a "cheap" party is pretty awful behaviour towards the children in my opinion. I would never have actually said anything to you but am wondering what you can get for £6 did it come across as cheap and nasty and that's why the mum felt compelled to comment?

You sound an absolute joy, OP.

Should be based on closeness of friendship, or venue

Do people actually register what gifts their kids get?

I never know who has given what abd frankly don’t care. All the kids want to do is unwrap something on the day.

Relative value of gift to party venue to friendship rating on the day is petty in the extreme.

Find something more important to worry about

You and your pals sound petty AF!!

I'd never do this !! Dc have some much closer friends and also my close friends have dc and they would get a more expensive gift normally .

In terms of classmates parties it's none of my business what they can and can't afford to do party wise , everyone has different finances and ideas of what they want to do in terms of birthday celebrations and as such dc have been to parties at expensive venues and also party teas at people's houses . As if I'm going to give some kids a shite present as punishment for their mum only being able to provide a few sandwiches and a pass the parcel . I'm just pleased my dc have friends who want to celebrate with them whatever the venue happens to be

Get a grip !

My DP is a children's entertainer and performs at parties in people's homes. He is very expensive. His fee is more than I have paid for event parties. So home parties are not necessarily cheaper.

Would you have bought a more expensive present for the birthday child if they had booked an entertainer OP?

OP it's not about having different budgets for different kids. I'll spend more on kids my dc are closet to than ones who they are just acquaintances of. It's also not about how much you spend. You could have spent £4 if that was you budget and it shouldn't have been questioned. It's the fact that you use the apparent cost of the party to decide how much to spend that is very unfair. You're defending it as ok as it is one of your principles but what the majority of posters (and your dh) are saying is that that your principle is flawed.

I don't think the other mother would have questioned the value if she hadn't seen such a discrepancy between what you gifted to two children who you claim to be equally close to. You say it's not about friendship and maybe it's not, but that's obviously not how she saw it, especially as she saw what you gave the other child. She probably felt the need to comment becasue of the discrepancy rather than the value itself.

And your comment about the extra mile is just not helping your cause.

People actually care enough about this stuff to send messages! I wouldn't give a rats ass how much my friends spend on my child's presents, wouldn't even cross my mind. I have only ever come across such people on Mumsnet threads.

I wouldn't think about how much I was spending although I think I have a tendency to overspend to get the right present. It certainly wouldn't occur to me to link it to the venue. And would never ever dream of texting my friends to complain about how much they'd spent. It's so so rude. I'd tell her to bog off.

SIBU for mentioning the value of your gift. How rude to complain to someone that the gift they gave you isn't expensive enough!