To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

I don't think you've taken on board what anyone has said. If nothing else you are giving the child a present, not the parent, so why would what the parents have paid for the party have any bearing at all?

I can see why you might spend less if it was a whole class party, because the children might not be close, but otherwise, I always spent about the same - you are giving a gift, not conducting a financial transaction!

I think I would be rather upset to think that someone had based the present they chose my DC on what kind of do we'd thrown as opposed to what they might actually like. There have been years in the past where we had barely any money but always tried to throw kids a party even if a little one at home with simple party games because to not do so would have felt like punishment for us having no money, and they didn't have much in the way of gifts from us but loved getting extra gifts from the friends. To think that they would have got a lower standard of gift than a wealthier friend because of our financial situation is pretty bloody hard to swallow actually. It sounds like raging snobbery and is instilling values that I really really don't like. The "logic" is very twisted and clearly about the parents and nothing whatsoever to do with the children. Very glad you're not in my social circle.

OMG-1st world"problems"..

Btw it does not reflect on the friendship side of it. Just my personal opinion of where the party was held. I use venues only because DC want to invite 6-8 friends average and I would only get about 2 kids in my lounge with my own 3 and 5 nieces and nephews I invite to every birthday plus parents.
Yes I suppose I do need to re evaluate my budget strategy. And just stick to an equal amount for each child.
That's me willing to see where I am going wrong and changing hopefully for the better so thank you once again for the more civilised and well mannered responses. Much appreciated.

As for all those rude rude comments written with complete lack of discipline or manners, I am not arguing or here for you to offload your personal frustration due to your own miserable state of mind/lives.
Have none of you been set in their ways or followed a set of personal principles until it's pointed out by someone.
I asked for some opinions and I am all for change, not to be bashed with mannerless and rude feedback by unstable individuals.

Hmm, I can kind of see your logic.

Formal gift-giving etiquette (of which most people nowadays are unaware) is that you are expected to 'cover your plate' i.e. that you spend the same/similar on a gift than the recipient spent hosting you at the event. This most commonly applies to weddings but also more formal birthdays/Christmas hosting/Dinner Parties etc

I have to agree though, its a bit 'off' to apply it to small children. In the situation you describe, I'd take the lowest amount you would spend on any child and apply it to all.

Technically YANBU, but really, would it kill you to be even handed here?

I've just reread the op again and had missed out that they actually TOLD the other mum it was because they spent less?

K'in hell! You've got brass bollocks op I'll give you that I seriously doubt any opinions here can ever change that sort of attitude.

Surely present value is dictated by the level of friendship? I.e. You might spend £5 for a child in school who your child knows but isn't that close to. For friends, especially friends in a group who you are also friends with the parents it should be equal amounts and more dictated by the interests of the child surely? I couldn't imagine penalising one child for having a party at home and spending more on another child who's party is in a more expensive venue...

p.s. the least polite person here was the other mum for actually having the cheek to question the price of a gift.

I'm actually cringing here on her behalf...

I'm aware of formal gift giving etiquette and usually follow it (depending on the situation) but to apply to a child's party is really off.

I do think it's weird to base your gift on their venue ... it's a party, not a transaction

Tbh, I'm struggling to get my head around this. You base the cost of your present buying on how much a party costs? So effectively, how well off the parents are? Okkkaaay. That sounds like you're very keen to 'keep up with the Joneses' to me.
If I was friend #2 I'd be backing off.

Very vulgar to make the present match the venue cost. I wince when I see this on MN wedding AIBUs.

shoelaces
All class parties tend to fizzle out by the end of yr1. I agree, when dd was this age I was spending less on presents per child. More like £5-£7 and perhaps a little more on a girl, who was her bestie at the time. This is normal considering there were 32 children in her class, most of whom had all class parties. Spending £10 per child under these circumstances would have been ridiculous.

I’m glad you’ve seen sense op. A party at home isn’t necessarily a cheap option. And even if it is, I’m sure the parents are doing the best they can with the budget they have.

Very vulgar to make the present match the venue cost

This has been accepted etiquette for centuries.

I'm holding Tarquins birthday party in a stately home - I expect gold plated Lego and hand made rocking horses as a minimum .

Who cares where they have it, they should still get the same amount spent on them. Now my son is at school there is about 2 party's a month and there is a personal £10 limit on all presents

As for the child involved, perhaps take them out somewhere nice with your dc as way of apology/smoothing over the situation. Alternatively bring them a £5ish present back off holiday.

I actually think with weddings, it does make sense; you wouldn't pitch up to a couple of hundred pound a head wedding with an argos toaster, nor to a room above a pub with a full set of Tiffany stemware.

Neither would be appropriate.

...but then again, neither involve the unsophisticated feelings of small DCs, hence its a bit much in the context of primary age birthday parties

OP. That’s a great last post of yours. Good for you for taking on peoples views and good for you for telling the obnoxious posters to bugger off (admittedly you did it more politely than that 😊). Unfortunately on Mumsnet some posters treat trying to put the boot in and being as nasty as possible as a sport. It’s pathetic.

I disagreed with the OP but managed to do it politely. It’s not hard...

If they are equal as friends then the gifts to each of them should be equal too.

The child with the lesser gift may or may not have noticed but it’s still infers you value them less.

Party venue prices have nothing to do with gifts value... what an odd notion

Oh, I hadn't seen your update OP - good on you, I think its the right way here tbh.

Seriously. Yabvvvu. Its a party. Doesnt matter where you hold it. You do the same for both. Never ever ever heard of this before. Its v odd behaviour. Im still holding dd party at home as more relaxing, access to kitchen toilets and tbh alot easier for naps etc. Best parties ive bedn to are at home

Formal gift-giving etiquette (of which most people nowadays are unaware)

People are still fully aware of gift giving etiquette, it's just the one you state was probably never a thing, but certainly is obsolete by 100 years if it was, now we expect to keep friends outside of our economic and social classes, so an etiquette designed for exchanges between people of similar wealth is no longer relevant. The current etiquette is about giving what you can afford but not being stingy, like it's probably always been.