To think kids birthday presents should reflect on venue?

[sunnysky19]

Background: My DD is very good friends with 2 girls at primary. Due to their friendship us 3 mothers have become close over the 2 yrs often meeting up for coffee or play dates etc.
All of us are in similar financial positions, homeowners, part time jobs, DH/DP working full time, only one has 2 DC. I have 3 DC and so does another.

Issue: one mums DD 3 months ago had a birthday party in one of those trampoline parks, I believe the cost was approx £16-£17 per head. The Present I gave was a popular toy and cost £13
2nd mum hosted her DD birthday last weekend in her back garden. Nothing fancy, no bouncy castle or extra entertainment etc. She discussed the plans with us beforehand so I knew. Asked to bring swimming gear for kids to use paddling pool + had a dancing musical statue game. Food was average, sandwiches, crisps, rolls etc. Pressie I gave was again a toy not as popular at £6.

Got a msg to thank me for coming and 2nd msg saying she was surprised that she regarded us being equal friends but didn't know I favoured the other mother with a LOL at the end of her msg. When I asked what she meant she went on to say, "oh nothing really, just that the pressies made her feel less valued, it's not about the pressies but the principles of fairness etc re the kids.
Had a little chat with her pointing out mother no1 splashed out for a fancy venue hence the present there.
So mother No2 just debated it's a personal choice with venues, both birthdays were of equal fun and enjoyment. DD is a guest regardless of venue and I shouldn't judge on it financially, but be fair to maintain good friendship without ill feelings. Also adding she didn't mind spending the money on a venue like last year but as the weather is lovely it seemed a waste to be indoors hence the garden party this year. So it's not her being petty and stingy.

I did apologise to her that she felt like that to keep the peace but AIBU to believe the presents given should reflect the cost of a do/venue, if it's a simple party a simple present would suffice and if it's a fancy party to increase the budget to reflect that or that they should be given equally in cases like this. Re equal friendships between kids... ??

Sorry it's so long but opinions would be appreciated so I could re-evaluate my principles here if I ABU.

As for all those rude rude comments written with complete lack of discipline or manners, I am not arguing or here for you to offload your personal frustration due to your own miserable state of mind/lives.
Have none of you been set in their ways or followed a set of personal principles until it's pointed out by someone
I asked for some opinions and I am all for change, not to be bashed with mannerless and rude feedback by unstable individuals

Brilliant

I'm glad you're having a rethink on the sliding scale present thing OP. It isn't really the done thing is it? Your friend is a bit dodgy for mentioning it and is now wondering if you think she's a tight arse. Just stick to an average cost, makes life easier.

Really?!?! Goodness yes YABU.

Your friends sound as money-obsessed as you OP.

I think you are both BU. I have a set amount for each birthday present, regardless of the party venue; maybe a bit more if the birthday children are close friends with mine.
I wouldn’t dream having a party for presents; some kids who came through the years brought very expensive presents, I had one who forgot to bring a present once.

Unbelievably rude, both of you. The mum who did the party at home probably made much more effort than the trampoline party mum as well.

Haven’t RTFT but I think YABU re; the sliding scale. I tend to spend around £10 per gift for all parties, and generally find those kids who are less financially well off (and tend to have more modest parties) are also more grateful/more likely to send thankyou notes etc.

The only exception is if the birthday child is a very special friend (he has three of these) in which case he likes to choose the gift himself (always Lego) and the budget is a bit more x

What a bizarre thing to do.

Tringley 😂

However I do think your friend is being unreasonable to mention it! How rude to bring up the value of a gift with anyone- she doesn’t know that you didn’t have a lot of expenses this month and that’s all you could afford!!

Tbf, I would be quite hurt and think less of you if you chose to penalise my child because I didn't book a venue. I can see that you are willing to change but the fact that you considered this in the first place makes you sound quite cold.

I see how you have rationalised this to yourself but honestly I think YABU and transactional.

I am guessing she mentioned it to clear the air and also because it hurt her feelings as she feels like a “lesser friend”

You set up all this context about your life styles being similar presumably to justify that she can afford a naice party and justify the fact you gave a cheaper present in response to her less fancy party.

I was going to say
What if the parents have some financial obligation you aren’t aware hence they had a “cheap” party?
BUt then I realised it doesn’t matter even if they have more money than you I think what you did was cold and a bit mean.

Very strange way to think OP

Not read the entire thread, as it's 11 pages long.
You're BOTH ridiculous. She was incredibly rude to question how much you'd spent (who does that, you just say thank you for your child's present, the child doesn't care how much it costs!)
You're ridiculous for thinking if the venue is in a "posher" place then it means more money should be spent.
How about treating them equally, say a tenner a present wherever the party is held?

Assuming the first friend isn't a 'best' friend I'd always get a similar 'standard' gift. If the cheaper present is still a good and thoughtful gift I don't see why the cost matters, and the second mum seems very mercenary first of all for even noticing, and then actually saying something!

In your shoes I'd have just bought the best gift I could for a certain budget and if challenged would have been a bit wounded and bemused that it mattered, because surely it's the thought that counts etc. Your rationale about the venue has validated her cheeky behavior so you both look a bit bad.

No wonder parties are getting more and more expensive, parents are clearly judging each other on what has been spent. Personally I applaud a parent that has the imagination to create and puts the effort into a home party. I'm the same with a wedding present, I give the same type of thing whatever I'm invited to. It's a present not a review.

While I think she probably was a bit rude calling you out on it, I see her point if she'd seen you buy something lovely for someone else, then something much inferior for her child. Perhaps it's better she brought it up and you discussed it rather than her thinking badly of you behind your back. Although after your explanation she's perhaps looking at you through different eyes anyway. I probably would be!

YABU, and your logic is well... odd.

You must be fun at weddings

What a weird post. Gifts are given based on the recipient's desires and the buyer's financial abilities, not on how much the venue costs.

The other mother was quite cheeky and a bit silly to be comparing the prices, but YABU. I buy a present I think the child would like at an appropriate price. It doesn't change based on how expensive the venue is!

You don't really give a gift to a small child based on how much the parents spend on their party? And a (presumably) lower earning family get a cheaper gift? Yuck

@sunnysky19 l have genuinely never heard of that logic. I always have parties away from home because it's easier, house parties go on forever as people don't leave and all the tidying up before and after.

My budget always depends on my personal budget and the kids likes. That said, I always stick up on generic lego sets etc in the January sales, and the kids pick from whatever's available.

And people who give small gifts are my favourite. We are swimming in kids toys

Oops, pressed send too soon.

The most shocking this for me is your friend. You do whatever suits you, I can't say YABU Judy because I wouldn't do it. But I do think your friend IBVVVVU. I would never do that!

She is bu mentioning it to you but yabu ‘reflecting the cost of the party’ in presents!

Yes I get that and think really odd and embarrassing of her to mention it.

*Today 13:12 SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

She was rude to question the cost of the gift, but you were very wrong to punish the child whose parent had a less expensive party with a less expensive present, @sunnysky19!! Of the two of you, your behaviour was nastier, as it targeted the child - which was the effect of your actions, whether or not it was your intention.*

Please enlighten me as to why I was nasty to a child on my post?